Finally letting it out

I do have a question. How does one deal with the pent up anger and resentment we caused in a loved one when it's unleashed? Even if I don't trigger it (which I haven't lied in over a month) I'm the one that caused it to be there. If something triggers it all the anger and resentment comes to the surface and my past actions are brought up again.

The only way to really be able to deal with the pent up anger and frustration of loved ones without losing it yourself is to understand their psyches and why they are feeling like that. Once a lying addict understands why they feel as they do they allow the person to "be" and even empathize with them as they rage. I know that sounds way out there but having been on both sides of the fence of addiction for many years and listened to literally thousands of people on both sides of addiction over the years, this has been bore out time and time again. To that end then, here is a post I wrote about what it is like to be the loved one of a lying addict...

compulsive-lying/topic129105.html

Bottom line is this Colt... all as a loved one ever really wants in those situations is to have their feelings validated, honored and respected. They just need to be heard and for once to be told they are not crazy for feeling as they do.

In relation to old lies and behaviors being brought up time and time again... unfortunately that is just par for the course in the early stages of recovery from addiction. Loved ones are raw - like addicts themselves are - and are simply venting old poison from their bodies. Rest assured though that the more you stay clean of lying, the less this will happen and trust will begin to build. Roll with the punches and it will pass in time... Just give your loved one their moments. They've deserved it after the trauma of living with your active addiction.

I understand, it can be a bit frustrating at times though. Things are still going well here . I started a journal, have never had one so it should be interesting.

I know it can be frustrating Colt. But that's recovery for you! Relationships are where we take our recovery on the road so to speak!

Keep us posted on your progress with your journalling.

Another lie free peaceful weekend .Things are still going well. It's amazing how when you don't lie to avoid confrontation you don't have any lol

Wonderful irony!

colt wrote:I do have a question. How does one deal with the pent up anger and resentment we caused in a loved one when it's unleashed? Even if I don't trigger it (which I haven't lied in over a month) I'm the one that caused it to be there. If something triggers it all the anger and resentment comes to the surface and my past actions are brought up again.

I feel you. I really do. Here is my technique, and it all stems back from my "self serving" motivations for my lying behaviors when I did. I was worried more about *MY* frustrations than the other persons normal and appropriate reaction. Does your loved one have deserved pent up anger? Likely so. Not blaming or pointing fingers, but it is appropriate, Im sure you agree. So, heres what I did- I had a little mantra that I repeated. In my head. Out loud. I even have a printed copy that is taped in my wallet so I can read it as I need to. It says "My behaviors have hurt XXXXX, and I'm happy that she is doing what she needs to in order to be happy and healthy." Whatever that may be. Shout, yell, be angry, go away, whatever. And *I* believe it, and it makes me feel better, because it's what I want. It really helps me to cope and manage.

I agree she deserves to vent and that I should be the target. My frustration comes when something someone else does triggers it, then I get blasted. I have no problem owning my mistakes and will listen whenever she needs to vent. BTW, nice to see you posting again panda

colt wrote:I agree she deserves to vent and that I should be the target. My frustration comes when something someone else does triggers it, then I get blasted. I have no problem owning my mistakes and will listen whenever she needs to vent. BTW, nice to see you posting again panda

Well, I'm not sure I'd go THAT far- It's not that you *SHOULD* be the target. It's that if you ARE the target, that's understandable.

But, yes, I completely feel you. Unfortunately, that's the fallout that is going to happen. And we just have to weather the storm. In my situation, my girlfriend/love of my life is separated from me, and is staying with her mother to figure things out. All the while, the input and triggering she is getting is completely unknown to me, and is putting us through the gamut of emotional spectrums. It is uncontrollable to us, no matter what we feel or want to control it. And accepting it's uncontrollable is all we can do.

Oh, and sorry for the lapse in posting. Life got busy. It feels so good to post here.

And even further case in point to your question- at my own desire and suggestion of many (incuding my therapist), I decided to reach out to anyone I felt necessary to apologize for my actions and past. One of these people included a great from of my girlfriend. I merely said that I was very sorry for what I did, and that I wish I could take it back, and I am striving to better myself.

The response I got was so laden with anger, venom, and bitter hatred that it hurt quite a bit. A lot of incorrect assumptions and a lot of incorrect accusations. It left me reeling. It took me a few days to recover and realized that such things are going to happen, and they are beyond my control, and I did all the right things in doing so.

Such lashing out is going to occur, and as painful as it becomes, we must simply acquiesce to it, and strive to continue to better ourselves.