Finally letting it out

Just some backround first. I'm 49, have been married to the most wonderful woman for 25 years and have been a CL since I was a child. As many on this board have stated they just come out. After reading the posts on this forum I know they stem from low self esteem and conflict avoidance.
I have lied to "protect" her feelings, Lied to avoid arguments, lied by omitting information to sway a discussion my way. I have also stashed money. Each time I was caught I would always either try to lie my way out of it or be defensive to get her to back down. Even when presented with hard facts that I lied I would still try to get out of it!
We've had blow ups before over this and I would always promise to fix it until the heat went down then it was right back to the same old lying. This time will be different!! In the past times she would try to "fix me" by buying books for me to read and as I said, I would until the heat went down. I guess I just wasn't ready. This time I'm doing the work, I found this site and a few others that I read everyday, picked up the books she had bought me and blew the dust off them and actually started using them.
Just taking it slow and steady, one day at a time. It's just a shame we all have to wait until a loved one has one foot out the door to realize how hurtful our actions are

Big Respect Colt for having the courage to face yourself. Welcome to Recovery. You are no longer alone.
Big Hug,
Billi Caine

Thank You Billi,
I know it's going to be a long road to fix this. But I'm up for it! I'm thankful and lucky to have the support of my wife through this. I have bookmarked all of your guides for easy reference as they are very helpful. Thank You for those

You are indeed lucky to have the support of your wife. Be honest and true and I'm sure your relationship will rebuild stronger than ever. Good luck.

Thank You jmaneypanda,
Made it through another day lie free today . Things seem to be getting better but I have been down this road before then I would stop trying, thinking the heat was off. As my wife says " anyone can do it when things are going well, let's see how you do when a tough situation comes up. I look forward to the challenge of being honest when the crap hits the fan.

colt wrote:Thank You jmaneypanda,
Made it through another day lie free today . Things seem to be getting better but I have been down this road before then I would stop trying, thinking the heat was off. As my wife says " anyone can do it when things are going well, let's see how you do when a tough situation comes up. I look forward to the challenge of being honest when the crap hits the fan.

And important consideration for you is whether or not you think you lie as an impulsive or compulsive reaction. IE- do you cognisantly lie every time? I know, I myself did not. Sometimes I would lie as a natural reaction to an anxiety driven situation. For me, it was important to redriect my thinking and reactionary behaviors. This may or may not be the case for you. But, if it is, it may be more than just "deciding" to not lie. It is hard work. But you have the right attitude.

If only it were so easy as to decide not to lie and stop . We do however have to decide we want to change. I'm working on the self esteem issue to try to stop one of the root causes. As far as your question, I think a lot of my problem is reactionary just to avoid dealing with things, but knowing full well the issue will be back even bigger later but it buys me time.

Made it through another day lie free !! . Being able to look my wife in the eyes when I talk to her is an amazing feeling! I feel lighter (sounds odd but the best way to describe it). I guess I really didn't know how much lying was really wearing on me. Actually told her about an unexpected financial issue that came up today instead of trying to "protect" her by not telling her, felt really good.

WOW Colt!!!!! High five. Telling your wife that took great courage. Huge Respect

colt wrote:Made it through another day lie free !! . Being able to look my wife in the eyes when I talk to her is an amazing feeling! I feel lighter (sounds odd but the best way to describe it). I guess I really didn't know how much lying was really wearing on me. Actually told her about an unexpected financial issue that came up today instead of trying to "protect" her by not telling her, felt really good.

Congrats Colt! You are truly a very committed man to have re focused and redirected your life like this. And truly lucky to have a Wife and partner who understands, supports, and will go through the trials with you. PLEASE invite her here to read a lot of the posts and guides, particularly the ones BIlli has written regarding those who live with people like us with this affliction. I can only imagine the confusion and trauma that goes on in their heads.

At the very least, make sure you tell her how much you appreciate her standing with you in your time of need.