I don't know where to start

Hello all,

I'm a little new to this and I don't really know where to start. I find it hard to say what's really wrong with me, and honestly I don't know that I'd trust a diagnosis from things I say. All I can say for sure is that I lie, compulsively and I have done for years.

It's reached a point now where it's going to destroy, if it hasn't already, my relationship with the most incredible woman I've ever met. I absolutely adore her, and I'm desperate to save things whilst I might still have a chance.

She says she can't trust me, because I lie. She worries I've been unfaithful or that I may be one day, I assume she doesn't believe me because she thinks I'll tell her what she wants to say but I can say honestly, that I never have been and never would be. I do tell her what she wants to hear at times, but she knows me well enough to eventually see it through it and it's damaging our relationship. I feel I can speak these things online, because I have nothing to fear in speaking out here.

I would really appreciate any responses from anyone, I'm just so unsure of where to explore or where to start. I just know I have to stop lying, and I'll be so grateful of any help from anyone.

SeekingHelp93

Hi SeekingHelp93,
Welcome to the forum and big respect for reaching out and asking for help. That took courage.

It sounds like you may be what I describe as a lying addict. I researched every post on every compulsive lying forum going back 10 years and found that there were certain themes which kept coming up time and time again - with that theme being addiction. As a long term member of the addiction recovery movement from all different addictions - wet, dry and behavioral - I knew that what I was seeing was classic addiction being demonstrated time and and time again in almost every post.

Anyway, to help you understand what I am talking about and to help you understand what lying addiction is and why lying addicts lie, here are 2 posts I wrote which I know you will find useful...

compulsive-lying/topic103034.html

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

Here is another post I wrote on how to stop lying. The tips, tools and techniques I offer have to be fully embraced and ran with for them to work. Being half-hearted about them will mean a person who lies addictively will not stop lying. Period. There can be no half measures in recovery for recovery to stick.

compulsive-lying/topic116107.html

In relation to your girlfriend not trusting you, that is run of the mill unfortunately for lying addicts and something you will just have to take on the chin for now. Trust has to be earnt back one truth and one moment at a time. Know this though... the second you are serious about recovering, your girlfriend will pick that up intuitively. She may not say anything for a long while in relation to knowing but she will know. Believe me.

Keep reaching out as you recover. You are no longer alone.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine

I, too, applaud your reaching out to get help. That is supposedly the greatest hurdle in this all.

I think a great positive for you to hold on to is that your girlfriend is aware of your problem, and appears willing to address this issue with you. I think its important you be transparent with her as to what your plans are to conquer this problem. You will need to getter for you, first and foremost. But, it will help her to know what it is youre doing too.

Hello Billi Caine and jmaneyapanda,

Thank you both ever so much for replying to my post, I was worried about what kind of response I might get following my first post but you've both been incredibly supportive.

I didn't realise before quite how well documented and extensive the material online was before finding this forum, and I would like to say thank you again for the links in your previous post. I found the pages on why addicts lie particularly interesting and I must say I found certain elements of it really hit home as things I've done but perhaps never known why or quite what the meaning of it was.

Something I have found personally, quite how much significance it has I am unsure, but I have found that after telling one lie to a person, be it big or small, I find myself far more likely to lie to that person again. Now that I have taken the opportunity to clear things out with my girlfriend in particular, I hope not to relapse and fall back upon old habits although I realise it is far more serious than this and will require far more work and thought.

Among the pages of advice, there was something did strike me or rather a couple of things that I hope to implement. Firstly some of the breathing techniques and self control techniques almost. I suspect some of my lying is quite often through fear, and the tips mention stopping taking the time to think before speaking. Hopefully being aware of these things will provoke a thought that stops me for long enough.
Another is about proactively making sure that I don't find myself in any messes that encourage lying, so often I do create problems for myself that encourage it, possibly first created by lying in the first place but I found this particularly interesting.

One other thought I wanted to mentioned regarded motivation. I feel like one of the biggest motivations I have currently to really drive me to stop and to change is to save my relationship. My girlfriend truly is one of the most amazing women I have ever met, and I truly am a very lucky man to have her support in trying to change and better myself.

A big thank you once again, take care,

SeekingHelp93

SeekingHelp93 wrote:Hello Billi Caine and jmaneyapanda,

Thank you both ever so much for replying to my post, I was worried about what kind of response I might get following my first post but you've both been incredibly supportive.

I didn't realise before quite how well documented and extensive the material online was before finding this forum, and I would like to say thank you again for the links in your previous post. I found the pages on why addicts lie particularly interesting and I must say I found certain elements of it really hit home as things I've done but perhaps never known why or quite what the meaning of it was.

Something I have found personally, quite how much significance it has I am unsure, but I have found that after telling one lie to a person, be it big or small, I find myself far more likely to lie to that person again. Now that I have taken the opportunity to clear things out with my girlfriend in particular, I hope not to relapse and fall back upon old habits although I realise it is far more serious than this and will require far more work and thought.

Among the pages of advice, there was something did strike me or rather a couple of things that I hope to implement. Firstly some of the breathing techniques and self control techniques almost. I suspect some of my lying is quite often through fear, and the tips mention stopping taking the time to think before speaking. Hopefully being aware of these things will provoke a thought that stops me for long enough.
Another is about proactively making sure that I don't find myself in any messes that encourage lying, so often I do create problems for myself that encourage it, possibly first created by lying in the first place but I found this particularly interesting.

One other thought I wanted to mentioned regarded motivation. I feel like one of the biggest motivations I have currently to really drive me to stop and to change is to save my relationship. My girlfriend truly is one of the most amazing women I have ever met, and I truly am a very lucky man to have her support in trying to change and better myself.

A big thank you once again, take care,

SeekingHelp93

I feel you man, but I think a VERY important thing to focus on is that you need to be better FOR YOU. Not for your relationship. If you make this recovery conditional- IE- that its purpose and driving force is to maintain your relationship with your girlfriend, what happens if it doesn't work out, for any reason? Do you go back to lying? That is a downward spiral, and you'll end at he same place over and over. You need to be better for YOU. And YOU believe.

In my primary stages of discovery, I felt the same. I convinced myself that without her, it meant nothing. But I quickly and thankfully realized that it was not true. It was for ME. and with me, comes good things.