Ruining a relationship

Hi all. I'm not sure how to start this as I'm incredibly nervous to be on a site like this. I've had a problem with lying about things, mostly things I never really had to, for a long time. I'm 24 now, and it started at a young age with me lying about schoolwork and minor things. I never felt like I was lying to hurt someone, just because I was scared of the reactions people would have. I never want anyone to be upset with me and so to make sure they aren't, I lie. But I'm not very good at it, and I have a bunch of "tells" that people can pick up on very easily.

I've lied to my parents about a lot of things, but they've chosen to always forgive me and trust me, from one lie to the next. As I got older and had my own relationships, I found reasons to lie either to escape a situation I didn't want to be in or to get rid of an uncomfortable moment. For example, I had a girlfriend who lived relatively close and moved about an hour away from me. On weekends I would stay with her, but during the week she would always ask me to go to her house and I would find excuses as to why I couldn't. I'd lie and say I was at work because I didn't want to see her and I wanted time to myself.

Recently I entered a relationship with a girl who I think is the one. The real true one. We talked for months before we officially started dating and at that point, I had decided I was going to return to school to try and further my life. I went back, but after about two weeks I simply couldn't stomach how the kids treated college. I had gotten older while the kids in the class seemed to not really care as it was a community college. I dropped out, but I continued to tell her I was going to school. I was ashamed of the fact that I had given up so easily, and I didn't want her to see me that way. Once we became official, she asked to see my grades and I had to come clean. That was the first time I truly lied to her, and I know how bad I hurt her. She explained to me I had no reason to lie about it, as she would have understood, and knowing her as well as I do, I should have realized it.

A few weeks later her birthday came around, and we decided to go drinking in a city that wasn't very close. We had an excellent time, and she stayed at my house. I ran out of money during the night out, and the next day I told her my grandmother (who I lived with at the time) was going to give me money for my birthday, which was coming up in the next few days. The truth was that I was going to ask for the money, but I didn't want to look like I needed to borrow anything. I'm supposed to be a man, and I didn't feel like that would make me look like one. As I went to ask my grandmother, she eavesdropped on the conversation and heard the truth.

The most disgusting of these lies was about her birthday present. I had a hard time coming up with what I should get her because she loves Hello Kitty and she's a hairstylist, but one who makes a great living for herself. At first, I wanted to pay for new shears for her as she repeatedly told me she needed them. But, she wanted to try them before buying them, so I decided to go a different route. I wanted to get her a beautiful straight razor, with her initials carved into it. I knew she'd love it. But even making decent money at my job at the time, I was also saving up to move out and had to tend to t other expenses, and after contacting the company I realized it was out of my price range and that I might not be able to do it. As I had no other back up plan, I tried to stall to give myself time. I told her that I needed to have a background check done in order to get it through the mail, a bold faced lie I continued to tell until days ago, when I finally decided to come clean.

We broke up days later, and I've been devastated for the past couple months. I was desperately trying to not damage her thoughts of me and I did. Because of this, we don't speak unless arguing and it's gotten to the point where I felt the only thing I could do was find somewhere to talk about it. With people who understand first hand having done it. I truly love this girl, and she's the first girl I've really ever truly loved. I don't want to lie like this anymore about anything, to anyone for any reason. I thank you for the time you spent reading this and I hope there is a discussion after that may help me greatly.

Hi John,
Welcome to the forum. It took guts to post and I admire that.

You have all the traits of what I call a lying addict - namely that you have no voice and have to lie to get the life you want and need. This is standard behavior for lying addicts. To help you understand more about why lying addicts lie though here is a post about it I did and another post on how to stop lying....

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

compulsive-lying/topic116107.html

I also created a Lying Addiction Recovery and Mediation Kit for lying addicts and their loved ones should your ex girlfriend ever decide to give your relationship another chance. Click under "view blog" (right) for the link.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine

I feel your pain. It's like you don't want to lie, but telling the truth is just too difficult.

Billi, thank you very much. I haven't had a chance to fully read through your posts, but I will be very shortly. I appreciate you taking the time out to help explain it. It means a lot and I'm hoping she does. I've decided to try a more zen approach to things and not let my main emotion of fear overtake me to the point where I do begin to lie. It's a hard road to go down to regain trust but I'm going to do whatever it takes. Again, thank you so much.

Hi John,
You are so right about the role of fear within lying addiction... Fear is the bloodstream of lying addiction and of all addictions and self destruction in general. The recovery movement has 3 great acronyms for F.E.A.R.... "F*** Everything And Run", "False Evidence Appearing Real" and "Face Everything And Recover".

I cant agree more that fear plays a big role in this illness. I had so many fears that drove my brain to "flee" to this behavior. Whether it be fear of consequences, fear of lack of control, fear of insecurity. All fear driven. The greatest thing I have been able to do is to see how these fear driven actions are ultimately self serving, and how I can be ok without them being about me and my fears.