The Day To Day Lives of Lying Addicts

THE DAY TO DAY DRUDGERY OF LIVING WITH LYING ADDICTION

Lying addicts are often in a state of constant chaos in their minds. They tell lies to so many different people that, after a while, it becomes impossible to keep track of them all. For a time, lying addicts can keep them in check but after a while it all just overwhelms them. Sometimes they feel like they can’t breathe with the stress of having to deal with the fact that they have told, and are telling, so many lies to so many people.

They have to constantly remember what lie they told and to whom. They also have to constantly gauge whether the person they are talking to now believes them, and if so, should they keep talking or shut up in case the person figures out at some stage during their conversation that they are lying. Other times, people they have lied to will say something to them that they have lied about and they have no idea what they are talking about as they have forgotten the lie(s). They have to just sort of agree with them or improvise their way out of the situation as they don’t know what to say or do. It all builds up after a while and the lies start to choke them. Soon they feel like they will drown in all the lies they have told.

The stress of waiting for the axe to fall and being exposed is constant.

The axe falling is their worst nightmare.

It’s a constant burden carrying deception around all the time. Lying addicts live in constant anxiety that it will all unravel in front of them at any time. But the stress of this becomes insignificant when compared to the long term inner conflict with their own conscience.

What often started out as small white lies erupts over time into a full blown alter ego which can take over their whole life. It can get to the point where a lying addict does not actually know what the truth actually is anymore.

Lying has a way of erasing real memories in favor of more desired ones. Whole childhoods and lifetimes can be stolen by the lies. Their real lives can start to feel foreign and strange. It can be like they don’t remember their own pasts. They can feel like they didn’t even live their pasts. The past they remember is the one they created. Often too, if they had the chance and choice to give up one existence for the other, they would assume the character they created. And this may not be because this character has the perfect life either. Far from it. It is simply that this character is the one which feels like the “truth” even though often it is 100% different from their real character and self.

This leads to a very lonely, confused and deeply fearful existence.

In this age of the internet, lying addicts are taking more and more to creating online personas. One woman pretends to be single and 125 pounds when in reality she is married and 350 pounds. And yet she loves her husband dearly. It is simply that she hates who she really is. As bad as her husband feels about the situation does not come close to how bad she feels about it.

Having “other life histories” that they can modify and embellish, lying addicts find that they never get to tell anyone who they really are. They do not know who they really are anyway.

Their fake lives are so much better, in their eyes, than the life they actually have.

In the fake life, they have friends, appointments, good careers, fascinating stories to tell, responsibilities and people who love and trust them etc. Whenever the lying addict “opens up and is completely honest” about their “past”, they are often making it up as they go along. The fake story can make the loved one pity or love them even more.

Some lying addicts deep in the bowels of their addiction can end up feeling like they are leading a dozen different lives with the same amount of personalities.

Keeping up becomes impossible after a time. Things start getting out of control.

When their friends mix, it can feel like worlds colliding and crashing into each other. The lying addict can have an internal meltdown.

But the “friends” will never know. Their smile stays on. It has to for their survival.

What is absolutely terrifying to the lying addict is if people – especially their partners find out the truth about who they really are. They feel that if they don’t have their fake life they have nothing.

Or at least nothing anyone wants at least.

It is cripplingly sad.

So, each time a person gets too close or challenges them on a lie, they will often cut that person off, never speak to them again if they can help it and move on where possible. Lying addicts will also end relationships if partners begin to suspect deception or they can’t keep up with all the stories they are constantly constructing. They go into each relationship saying they won’t lie but little by little the lies start again. They can often rationalize that telling small lies are okay so long as they aren’t too big.

“Benign” or “harmless” lies – meant to protect people or themselves are like a dripping tap though that do a great deal off damage over time to the self esteem.

They also have to constantly endure the horrible feeling that they are secretly deceiving people – especially those they care the most about.

Lying addicts only ever “chat” to people and their loved ones. They never “talk”.

Talking would mean allowing people to get too close and potentially finding out who they really were. This had to be avoided at all costs.

They are frightened of themselves and their lies.
They are very scared that they lie so much and so easily.

Lying is as natural to them as breathing.

They know that at some point their relationships will always be sabotaged.

As significant others often understandably associate lying with ruthless intention, the lying addict dreads the time that it will all blow up in their face.

Because they know it will blow up sooner or later. It always does.

When a lying addict lies a big lie and then tries to tell the truth to the person they told the lie to, they can often find themselves making up another lie to replace the old one. This overwhelms them with even more worry and they feel like fools.

These are heavy crosses to bear day in day out.

In the time that they are being believed with the lies, one problem can be that the people they are lying to can end up looking like fools too as they tell people things the lying addict have said. This can lay very heavy with the lying addict especially if their significant other tells their family something, for example, which then turns out not to be true and this is found out. They fear the families will lose respect for them and can, in these cases, begin to do their utmost to alienate their significant other from their families for their own protection.

This also lays very heavy with the lying addict.

It may lay heavy on them but the lying addict can still be in denial about the addiction they have to lying.

An alcoholic may have black outs, have lost everything and vomit all the time with them poisoning their body with alcohol but can still deny they have a problem with alcohol or that alcohol is the problem.

It is the same with lying addicts.

Their lives can be getting poisoned but as the lying is still “doing its job” of giving and getting them what they need, they can hide their heads in the sand.

This is the same with addiction in general.

A lying addict will sometimes develop back stories and mementos to back up their lies to the point of creating scars (self mutilation) from supposed fights or surgeries or creating wills for when they die from diseases they don’t have.

All this behavior is built on fear.

Lying addicts are very frightened people.

The root of every one of their lies is fear of some description. The profoundly sad irony though is that the more they lie the more fear they will experience. This is the nature of the beast working within them.

Fear feeds fear and love feeds love. Whichever one a person feeds most will grow.

Most of the time, they don’t even mean to lie.

Often, it is not until hours after they have lied that they realize they have done so when they go back over the conversations they have had.

Other times they will prepare and practice lies when alone so when they are in front of people, their lies look effortless. They practice lies that will get attention paid to them.

It amazes them time and time again that people believe their lies over and over.

Lying addicts are gifted story tellers, are extremely imaginative and could be writers.

Those lying addicts that actually are writers as a profession will be their true selves through characters in their stories. This is the only safe way they feel they can ever be themselves. Or they will take on the role of one of their characters and live it in the real world.

The mind of a lying addict is filled with mental pain at having their thoughts occupied almost all of the time with their lies for one reason or another.

The rest of the time, they are covering their tracks. This leaves very little time, if any, to enjoy life. They wholeheartedly desire to be honest people and know deep down that they are not bad people… that they are actually deeply loving and caring people.

Lying addicts as young as 14 are on forums crying out for help knowing they are basically good people despite their huge lies. It’s very sad that such young minds are having to cope with having told lies like family members are dying of cancer or have died in car wrecks or that they have been raped or abused. They despair of what their lives will be like knowing they have no control over their lying. They worry always about people finding out their lies. They hurt so many people and are consumed with guilt the whole time. They have a dream that as they get older their lying will sort itself out but know it won’t. They know it will only get worse as they see their lies getting bigger and bigger all the time.

Their addiction is progressing.

Addiction always progresses.

It never gets better on its own.

Lying addicts go through life knowing what they want to say but are simply unable to say it.

They often feel like cowards.

They are afraid of existing as who they authentically are and instead be, say and do whatever it takes to get people off their backs or get their wants and needs met. They know that what they do is wrong but are prepared to defend it to the bitter end just as an alcoholic will defend the alcohol until their rock bottom and all alibis have been used up.

Lying is the only survival tool lying addicts have in life.

Even though lying addicts know they will be caught out later in their lies, they are compelled to say them anyway to avoid the possibility of confrontation.

It is the nature of their addiction.

If they tell one lie, they have to tell a load more to cover up that one lie. One lie leads to another and another and then to nowhere except deeper into the prison they are locked in.

Getting into a lie that spirals out of control is hell for the lying addict.

Lying addicts in denial also get defensive when people ask them to clarify a previous answer insinuating that the person has no right to question their words. They know deep down that the person does have every right to ask for clarification but they are frightened of their lies being exposed.

It is really tiring for them to be lying all the time and then having to cover up the lies with more lies. They are tired of having so many secrets. The lies weigh them down and they spend their entire lives hiding and worrying that someone is going to catch them out.

They know that lying, and then lying on top of that, only postpones the problem but in the moments they are telling the lies the addiction is telling them it is postponed forever. This can be compared to the alcohol promising the alcoholic safety and that it is the answer to their problems before they buy it.

This kind of life can start to feel like hell. Not just for them but for the people they lie to. They want to be able to tell the truth in all things.

Sometimes they ache inside that they can’t.

Even in an anonymous lying forum they struggle to tell the truth. It is possible to discern truth from lying on these forums by listening to what they say about their feelings. When they talk from their souls on the forums they undoubtedly, in my opinion, speak their truth. When they talk from their heads their motive, in my opinion, is to get attention. This is when they will give details of “dramatic things”. If they don’t mention anything about any dramas, it is my gut feeling that this is when they are telling absolute truth. The gut is rarely wrong.

WHEN CONFRONTED ABOUT THEIR LIES

When confronted about their lies, the moment lying addicts feared the most has
arrived. In those moments, the illusions about who they could be are stripped away from them and they are left naked, exposed and bare. Their fantasy life is smashing before their eyes and they stand there feeling like a complete fool, utterly humiliated and frozen in shame. They often feel like vomiting and/ or fainting. These moments are their worst nightmare.

John Bradshaw, who has written in great depth about addiction and shame, says in his book “Healing the Shame That Binds You” that “after shame is internalized, the fear of exposure is magnified intensely. Exposure now means having one’s defectiveness as a human being seen. To be exposed now means to be seen as irreparably and unspeakably bad. One must find a way to defend against exposure…”

And defend against their exposure they do…

A lot of the time they will play the victim and not take any responsibility at all for their lies or actions when confronted about their lies. They lie reflexively in these moments as a form of damage control in order to keep hold of their fantasy world. They tell more lies in these moments to cover up the original lie and will defend this position indefinitely – even when shown proof of their lies. They lie so as not to be seen as a liar again. Remember John Bradshaw’s quote “To be exposed now means to be seen as irreparably and unspeakably bad.”

They do not want this at all costs.

Remember that their internalized shame means that they hate themselves as liars just as much as the next person in society hates liars so to be called one is horrific for them.

For non lying addicts reading this… just how much do you feel defensive when, and if, someone calls you or insinuates that you are a liar? Magnify that many times and you are getting close to how lying addicts feel in those moments. To a liar, the word “liar” can make their skin crawl and reminds them how much of a fraud they feel they are.

They do not want to be frauds.

Lying addicts can become so completely frozen in shame when confronted that they cannot speak at all or even move and will give the appearance of looking blank.

Alternatively, or in addition to, they often freak out on the person and attack them verbally about all the things they don’t like about them. They will also place full blame on others in any way that they can rather than taking any responsibility at all for their behavior and their lies.

This is the only time they hear their own voice and it is usually done out of survival and not to hurt or harm.

Another tactic too is to insinuate or say outright that the person accusing them is paranoid or becoming mentally unstable in some way.

This diverts the attention off of them in a very effective way. Mission accomplished.

Their addiction is protected.

They defend their lies out of shame and not belief in them.

When they lie as justification for trying to protect themselves or others, it is a terrible crutch that makes their shame increase and certainly does not work. Yet they are powerless in those moments to do anything else while they still need the addiction to live by.

They are simply panicked.

In addition, to be called on their lies gives the unspoken message too that the person is trying to take their lies away and this is as horrific to the lying addict as it is to the alcoholic threatened with having their alcohol taken from them.

Another tactic used by lying addicts in these moments, or caught doing something they should not be doing is to turn the tables on the person and call them a liar.

Going on the offensive works for them.

They can even believe their lies during these moments and act like they are the truth.

Their lies are always helped at these times by all the spontaneous details they can think of on the spot.

This is their forte and their “strength” after all.

BELIEVING THEIR OWN LIES

After a number of years of developing a persona of what they would like to be or think they should be in the eyes of others, their true self can often begin to dissolve and crumble under the weight of all the lies and they can actually begin to believe their lies are true.

If the subconscious is told something often enough, it will believe it – even if it is a lie.

Lying addicts could pass lie detector tests.

This is maybe why their lies are believed so often. This is especially true if the lie is something they want. One lying addict remembered her first lie being telling her kindergarten teacher her mother was pregnant as what she really wanted was a baby sister.

Also, lying addicts develop the habit of convincing themselves of their lies and this can mean that after a while, they have trouble telling what is real and what is imagined.

Sometimes they don’t know what the truth is any more even in their own minds.

Maybe much later they can figure out they have lied and this is why they don’t realize at the time that they are even lying. They can get very confused by the whole situation.

In addition, when something is partially true but mostly fabricated (as a lot of their lies are as they could also be called “exaggeration addicts”) and the lying addict tells that thing over and over, the lines begin to blur.

Another aspect of this is that lying addicts want so much for their lies to be their reality. It ends up becoming difficult to tell fact from fiction. When they have whole back stories that never happened full of (usually) awful events, it can end up feeling like they are living two (or more) lives.

They create their lives through their lies.

As the addiction progresses, this can end up making the lying addicts feel like they are losing control completely. They simply lose track of what is real and what is something they have created. One woman ended up believing she actually had been abused by her father when she hadn’t.

Sometimes, they know they are lying but do not know what the truth is either.

Another layer to this is that often when lying addicts tell a new lie for the first time (especially a big lie), they can feel a mixture of both guilt and thrill. What can alleviate the guilt in the long run is justifying the lie by telling themselves it is in fact the truth.

Then they start to believe it as truth to keep their egos intact.

WHO ARE THEY?

As a lying addict heads towards rock bottom, they recognize that they are not who they have created for themselves but are “walking nobodies”.

At these times, they ask themselves the question “if I am not that person then who am I?” They have no idea if they are a good parent, reliable worker, decent son or daughter or any of the other usual roles in society. They have often lied themselves into believing they are these things “but are they?” they ask themselves. Or are these things just more fantasies they have created.

More often than not, they truly do not know. When their whole life has been a lie, it is almost impossible to tell. All as they have wanted their whole lives was to fit in to wherever they were - by any means necessary – to be part of the group and this has meant who they are at their core had to be permanently imprisoned.

Lying addicts don’t really have “friends” as such because of their lies and the fact that they are afraid of establishing relationships based on emotional intimacy.

The last thing they need is anyone getting too close.

They also greatly fear rejection or not being good enough.

This is especially hard on young lying addicts as their aloneness can hugely imprison them and they have very few skills to cope with it all.

They are getting grounded and punished in general for lying and yet lying is their only form of survival so what are they to do? Punishments of any description will not work with them so their alienation is total.

It disturbs the lying addict to know that they are not who their “friends” think they are.

The result is that they are very needy in friendships, and relationships in general, because they are terrified the person will stop caring about them, leave them or end the friendship/ relationship. The lying addict feels that they have to protect their lies even more to keep hold of those friendships and relationships. But their lies contradict what they have said previously so people begin to question them.

Their fear escalates.

Lying addicts can have a “ton of friends” and can appear very social people but it is all fake.

Even in a crowd they are profoundly alone.

No-one really knows them and if they did, the odds are that they would lose those friends once the “friend” found out the truth about the lying addict.

The thought of being completely alone is another terrible nightmare for them.

Of those “friends” they do have, these people believe the lying addict to be someone they are not.

The lying addict wishes they were that person. They like that person much more.

They fear their real self will be mocked.

Lying addicts fear meeting new people as their addiction progresses for fear they will lie to them.

They lose many friends because they can’t be trusted.

This can be heartbreaking for lying addicts.

It is a deeply sad consequence of their addiction. When their lies are found out and the person then knows they lie, things can never really be the same between them again and this is hard for lying addicts to bear.

They ask themselves though “how much is too much?”, “how many secrets is it okay to keep?” They feel that if they were to be 100% honest (even if they were capable of being this), a lot of what they would say would be deal breakers with the people in their lives.

Their truth could potentially end their relationships.

And yet it is also beginning to weigh heavy on them that false appreciation and admiration for things they have supposedly done is hollow appreciation and admiration.

They truly begin to realize that their whole life is a sham and a fabrication - that no-one – absolutely no-one knows who they really are.

And neither do they.

They sense that only another lying addict would be able to understand them.

They realize they are wasting their lives away pretending to be who they are not.

And yet they are scared of the truth.

They are scared to let people see them for who and what they are. They are scared to be vulnerable and defenseless without the lies.

FEAR OF LIFE WITHOUT THE LIES

As their addiction progresses (as all addictions always do) lying addicts can despise their lying and all the carnage it has brought to their lives but are still very frightened of life without the lies.

This is the same as an alcoholic for instance who desperately want sobriety yet fears they won’t cope without the alcohol.

The recovery movement calls this “the jumping off place.” The person can’t live with the addiction nor without it.

Their fears are huge at this stage.

The following list only scratches the surface of their fears of letting go of lying…

• To begin with, lying addicts “reach their goals” with their lies. These goals don’t exist in the real world but the imaginary goals they do reach give them self esteem and a sense of self.

• Letting go of lying means having to face up to responsibilities and mistakes.

• Their lies are often the only way lying addicts can get people to give them things they want and need as their chronic low self esteem means they are unable to ask outright for what they want and need.

• They worry that if they stopped lying they would become boring and unimaginative. Lying helps them look more interesting, surreal and fun etc. Without the creativity side of lying addiction being active within them, they feel they will lose that essential aspect of themselves.

• They fear they will not get to do what they want to do due to their being afraid of stating their needs and of any confrontation that may happen if they did ever state their needs. Speaking up for themselves fills lying addicts with irrational worry. They can’t put boundaries in or assert themselves in day to day life.

• It means the lying addict has to show up as who they really are rather than what they believe everybody else wants and needs them to be. And as the lying addict hates who they are, this by itself is a terrifying thought. In their eyes, if they don’t have their fake life they have nothing or - they believe - nothing anyone wants at least.

• Lying gets them to where they want and need to be so quickly ie: people’s attention, jobs, impressing others, getting people to like them etc.

• Lying addicts can’t just start being truthful because of all the past lies they have told. Family and friends often still believe the countless lies they have told.

• Telling the truth to people about them being liars could mean the current support system they have vanishes overnight and this, often, is one of their biggest fears.

• When they actually do tell the truth (once they have been found out to be a liar), they keep hearing 3 main things… “I don’t know you”, “How do I know you’re not lying now?” and “I don’t trust you anymore”. Lying addicts dread hearing these things.

• They fear they will lose their whole perception of reality if they stop lying as they are used to their distorted reality.

• Every day, lying addicts face the very real fact that people and society hates liars and know they will be judgmental about their addiction so don’t want to be seen as one. They fear people will be disgusted with them.

• Often lying addicts have told massive lies such as a having a life threatening health condition and telling people it is not true would mean their world crashes in. They fear being tipped over the edge.

• It’s so much easier for the lying addict to lie than to face reality.

• They don’t trust people with their lies and don’t have faith that people are able to understand or help in any way so keep their lying addiction hidden very deep inside where it is safe. Exposing it to others may mean total alienation.

Lying addicts fear the truth and they fear the lie.

Lying addicts have woven a tapestry of deceit and the thought of it becoming undone by the truth prevents them from telling the truth.

They are afraid of what will happen if they told the truth so never do unless they are at rock bottom.

Even when people know the truth about their lies, they still can’t stop lying. When told “if you mess up again we are through” they feel the weight of the world on them as they know without a shadow of a doubt that they will mess up again as they have no answers as to how to stop lying.

Many people simply cut ties with the lying addict when they find out they lie and this genuinely and deeply hurts them. It can happen dozens of time in a lying addict’s life. Their aloneness at times consumes them.

In their active addiction, with no signs of wanting to get help for themselves, loved ones are forced to keep reminding the lying addicts of their past lies or “throwing my past in my face” as addicts think of it. Lying addicts feel like this is a deliberate act to make them feel terrible as their guilt is weighing them down enough as it is and wish the loved one would stop doing it.

Lying addicts wish they could say the things to the loved one that they don’t like about them but don’t as they have no voice and even if they did, they would not want to rock any boats if things were going well. They fear that if they make a loved one upset, that person won’t talk to them for days. They can’t bear that.

Some lying addicts can believe that everyone lies which leads them to not believing that anyone is being honest with them especially when the person tells the lying addict that they care about them. This furthers their self loathing forcing the lying addict to fabricate more and more things in their life to make themselves even more appealing and likable etc.

The saddest and most awful part of their day to day drudgery however is that when they truly do get into a situation where something major happens to them and they need some support, they realize that because no-one can trust them to be telling the truth, there can’t be any true support.

It is a repercussion they suffer as a consequence of their horrific addiction to lying.

Lying addiction is not pretty…


Copyright © 2012 Billi Caine
This work is registered with the UK Copyright Service and is protected under UK and International Law. All Rights Reserved.

I read this and it was very helpful, thankyou. However I do have a couple questions. If a lying addict says they love you could that be true or do would that be a lie also? Also what this mentions alot about hiding the fact that they lie, what if the addict has full on announced to you they do have a lying problem and to ask for proof, and yet they get angry when you do ask them and never seem to have the proof anyways?

Hi Lost Girl,
Interesting questions...

First question... yes I would believe a lying addict when they tell you they love you. Their hearts are not lying and as a general rule - and everything else aside - lying addicts are highly sensitive people who love deeply. Maybe in a way they love too much as they often want to please people too much so as to make others happy - at the expense of their own needs. Remember though that lying addicts are very different to pathological liars who will tell a person anything they think the person wants to hear so they can gain something from the person. To remind you, here are the different definitions I have for the 2 types of liars...

I define “Pathological Lying” as “the actions of someone who deliberately and intentionally lies for financial, material or some other gain with no care or consideration to how their lies will affect or harm others.”

I define “Compulsive Lying” as “the compulsive need to lie as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life.”

However, as “compulsive liars” often premeditate their lies as well as lie when driven by the compulsion to do so, I do not feel the term “compulsive liars” adequately covers the condition of lying as a reflexive way of life.

“ADDICTION” on the other hand is defined as “The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.”

So, “LYING ADDICTION” is “The condition of being addicted to lying as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life where the intention is not to cause harm to others.”

Maybe read the post I wrote on why lying addicts lie again to help you understand what I am saying...

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

Second question... Often, lying addicts will tell a loved one anything to get the person off their back - including saying to ask for proof. They may even mean it at the time but once the person is off their back (temporarily) rot sets in again and they become empty words. Active lying addicts, like all active addicts, have lucid moments too where they will admit to having a problem with their drug of choice - whether that drug is wet, dry or behavioral - but this wears off pretty quick usually once the need for the drug kicks in again and why you are being given mixed messages.

Your job Lost Girl is to protect your own mental health as you navigate this journey you are on with your lying addict else you will become mentally unwell yourself having to deal day in day out with the crazy making behaviors of your loved one. I can't stress that enough.

Big Hug,
Billi