Lying is who I was.

Hello, my name is Kenneth.

Let me start off with the fact that Shepard isn't my last name, don't want that to confuse anyway. Well not yet I do have plans to change it to that but anyway that's a whole other story.

I'm twenty three years old. Thankfully, I have hit a breaking point young in my time. I do wish it was much earlier but better late than never.

Lying has been who I am, for at least 6 to 7 years. It is hard to gauge fully when it all began. I'm sure I told some sooner but I can't remember if I did.

I would go into detail about why I think it all began but I can't honestly remember. All I know is that it has plagued me ever since. I would and still do constantly tell lies. I know now thanks to Billi Caine's topic on http://www.psychforums.com/compulsive-lying/topic115788.html that it was mainly due to my low self of esteem and my absolute dreadful nature towards confrontation. It has been a tough struggle for me and at first, I didn't want to stop. I was sure nothing was wrong with me and that I was a good person. That "fitting in" and making people view me as someone they could, like, befriend and love was perhaps the best gift I could give them. I had my head filled with this idea that I was the "perfect person." However, each time I told a lie I could feel myself getting heavier, mentally. It was getting to the point that after even the little lies like "I didn't throw that on the ground." The "hit" or "high" I used to feel was replaced with this deep seeded regret and sorrow. Yet even so, I continued to do it. It had become habit; a compulsion. Finally, around a week ago my girlfriend caught me and my lies crumbled down upon me. It has been devastating and heartbreaking but, I have every intention of getting over this and becoming a better person. I don't want to be a liar, lying is who I was. As I've stated once in a previous post. I'm glad I've found this forum, it will be helpful as a home support as I begin recovery from something that I at one point, didn't think was a problem.

Gratitude,
Kenneth

Hi Kenneth,
I wrote in the other topic in relation to your story so won't repeat myself here but I just wanted to add something that has always struck me as being profound when it comes to lying addicts... Despite all the vitriol they get from society, it is my belief that lying addicts (NOT "PATHOLOGICAL LIARS" who I define as those who deliberately and intentionally lie for financial, material or some other gain with no care or consideration to how their lies will affect or harm others.”) are some of the most beautiful people there are. Yes there is the need to be "people pleasingly perfect" for everyone but there is also the honest genuine reality (going on at the same time) that many lying addicts just hurt inside at the thought of hurting people and so will do all they can to avoid hurting them. Yes the lies always come back to bite them but that is a whole other topic. Essentially though, in my opinion, the reality is that a classic lying addict is sensitive to the extreme and are a far cry from the monster status they currently have. This is heart breaking for lying addicts as a whole.

That said, when the loved ones of lying addicts find out they have been living in a world that doesn't exist, it is mind shattering for them and so it is understandable why they become so distressed but none of that can take away from the essential inner beauty lying addicts have at their core. The challenge, therefore, is for lying addicts to find that REAL core during the course of their recovery from lying addiction and give the loved one that authentic beauty as opposed to the people pleasing kind.

Keep coming back Kenneth...

Big Hug,
Billi

To Kenneth

Hay dude, hope youre well. My name is Sar, 22 from London u.k

Thing is bro i had exactly the same reason for confronting my Lying addiction.
I wrote an entry called LiarLiar where i explain my situation. I know exactly how you feel. Loosing a loved one i.e. my girlfriend of 7 months out of an addiction that you only meant well for. And when it does bite you back you end up (well i certainly did) feeling self resentment, and useless and pathetic. I too used to lie to please people and make them feel closer to me. In turn i used to find acceptance. But there was always a dark spot in my mind whenever i did lie.

Remember youre not a bad person at all. You only wanted others around you to feel closer to you, and that wasnt a bad thing, but the way we both did it was out of impulse. Now that youre confronting it youre on the right path. I dont know about your situation but, with me this girl that i fell in love with is in the same course at the same university and i have to endure seeing her for the next two years as a physical reminder.

thanks to Billi Caine she introduced me to this forum, and i felt at ease about myself knowing that there are others out there with the same addiction and that there are people who understand and want to help us. Keep posting, look up and know that it aint all doom and gloom, we're both still young, and have a bit to learn, but these are all lessons of life and hopefully we can pass on the message to the future. A link posted on my entry deals with low self esteem. suggest you look through that. Learn to love yourself. And learn and let go of the past. move forward mate.. youll be ok

Sar

Thanks you two, that really means a lot. I have my first therapy session tomorrow and I'm looking forward to making the first big step.

I read the post you made Sar and I was touched by it all the same man. It hit home for me and I appreciate the kind words you've given.

Also thanks Billi, for making me feel a bit better about how I feel about what I've done. I thought for the longest time that it was just down right evil and that I was an evil person.