LiarLiar

Hello Everyone

My name is Sarwath (Sar for short), im a 22 year old male, student from london UK..

This is my story.

For as far as I can remember during my adolescent/adult life, I have been a compulsive liar.
Ive done it in every situation, at School, at College At university, at work, home, you name it.There had been little lies to spice up stories and big ones to give a good kick to a first impression.

But i want to start 7 months ago, when i met a girl at university,
and to me she really was something else, her whole character snd personality
the way she was the things she wanted in life, everything kind of synced with with me likes/wants/needs, she was also the first girl i became intimate with aswell.
And we really did get along, we had giggles laughs fights and make up sessions and it was all so perfect, we were serious with each other. However at the beginning of when we first met i told her a lie that lead on to a string of more lies and stories changing who i was as a person in her eyes. Thing is before i started the degree im doing at university at the moment, i was doing a different degree at the same institution however i failed the first year and skipped a year and started the one im doing now. when i met her i was a few years older, and most of the modules and she was in my new course. My first and biggest lie to her was that i told her i completed my last degree and decided to do another one because of a scholarship from the armed forces. I was at the time afilliated to the ULOTC (University of London Officer Training Corps) with the British Army, but this had absolutely nothing to do with this "scholarship". As time went my stories changed up, i eventually decided that i wanted to quit the armed forces scholarship lie, but left the question of why i was still here doing another degree. I kept making up stories of how i wanna go into law afterwards and how they might the appreciate the fact that im doing two degrees, which was all Bull,S... bottom line is whatever i made up none of it made sense and i kept twisting her benefit of doubt with more and more lies about myself until one day when we both went away together all the lies caught up with me. I had to confess everything to her... needless to say she wasnt impressed..., tears and crying and begging to her was useless, it only made me look more foolish. I still remember where we were sitting, at the time and place. In fact if i even return to that area of london it just hurts me deep inside. eventually one lie after another got exposed... oh yeah i also pretended i had an ex girlfriend who i didnt have at all and used her life and profile. yes she also found out i used her as my ex...It All came out at the end, i got her friends and her family caught up in a string of lies and they all thought i was some amazing person with ambition and drive. but really i was just a useless insecure peice of crap...

When she broke up with me after a few weeks she said that i was pathetic, useless and irresponsible.. i wasnt even worth being told face to face that it was over between us...

She went around asking questions about me to the people i knew and the ones who know my story fully have given her the downlow of my life.. so yeah she knows the truth about me.. and i can never face her again

i feel sick.. at the thought of myself thinking that i was pretending to be some smartass who can conjure up these pathetic lies and think they wouldve stuck... i honestly cant stand myself... looking in the mirror, wearing nice clothes that i dont deserve meeting my friends and family who all have gotten the inkling that i do tend to over exaggerate and lie a lot.. but they seem to have the patience to endure me and my lies, which i do not deserve. But im sick and tired of myself lying and destroying relationships and trusts of other people...

My lies didnt stop there, at work and in social circles i used to try acting like a big shot.. making up stories about my life and past...

it took a big lesson for me to learn, to loose something so big and affect me so deep and be physically reminded of it everytime im at university..: and let me tell you have i learnt my lesson..

the reprocussion of my lies now is that i have to endure two more years of seeing the girl who i love, but doesnt love me back. As a constant physical reminder of what i could have been if things were different, if i wasnt such an idiot pathetic looser, who needs to lie to feel accepted and acknowledged.

Please, if you are reading this because you too have the same problem as me please, please, take action now... sooner rather than later and dont fall victim to your own lies... .. we all make mistakes but it happens at the risk of loosing loved ones destroying trust and looking like a fool to others.... hopefully you dont ever have to learn a big lesson to change... I know ive learned now...

Thank you

Hi Sar,
I am so pleased you made it to this forum. This is where you belong - with people who understand the agony of living with an addiction to lying.

It never ceases to sadden me deeply reading the heartbreaking stories connected with this addiction - with yours being no exception. I really feel your agony as I am sure everyone else does who reads your words.

As you now know though about what you have being an addiction and not a moral issue it is vitally important that you strive to keep telling yourself that as often as possible. If you don't you will be vulnerable to even more attacks by the agenda of addiction - in that the more you hate yourself, the more you will lie to try and boost your cripplingly low self esteem. You know the drill. You've lived with it long enough. It's a catch 22. Addicts of all types (of wet, dry or behavioural drugs) end up in this cycle all the time. The more they hate themselves, the deeper into addiction they go so the more you use phrases like you being a "useless insecure piece of crap" the worse your lying will become. That's just the nature of the beast of addiction.

To help you stop lying in an attempt to bring your self esteem up, here's a link to a post I did on it...

compulsive-lying/topic116107.html

Maybe also send the links I gave you in that other place to the lady you love too to help her understand what it is you are suffering with. It is my belief based upon thousands of hours of study of this addiction from both sides of the fence that she still loves you whether you believe that or not. People can't just turn off emotions when they find out things about their loved ones. I studied the loved ones of lying addicts too and they are simply traumatized after finding out the truth and need a lot of time to process. Their Mr or Ms Perfect does not exist any more and that is a lot to stomach. They become in a way shell shocked by the truth which is understandable. But none of this means that the love goes. It just means that who they thought you were goes.

Big Hug and do keep coming back for support as you recover from this horrific addiction.
Billi Caine

Dear Billi

Its been many months since i have posted on here, and although i feel
this forum was a great help i didnt contribute as much as i needed to.
Once again i thank you for showing me this site, its been a great help.

Its been a rough few months, the main focus was getting over my
ex and moving on in life, i guess the whole point of making
a mistake is to learn from it. Otherwise its just a useless mistake.
Ive been trying hard to beat old habits, and the lying just being one of them
i am now in my second month smoke free, and it has really changed the way i feel.

I feel my need to lie to gain attention/acceptance is diminishing slowly
along with vast changes to my own character, my peers have noticed this.

ive become more of a humble character, trying not to be too dccentric,
prioritising my life as it needed to be. Ive also given the closest people in my
life more attention, and appreciated their company a lot more. I must
say without their help i would have struggled a lot more.

i have learned that lying is more of an addiction which comes about from a habit,
i learned this by thinking twice in any/all situations i felt that
i couldve lied in the past. If i were to count them then i'd be here a long time (lol).

one of the ways i kicked the habit was buying a clicket or a counter, whenever i did lie i used to click it. ive kept a tab on my lying habits and the trends of my lying. Turns out i used to lie a
lot more on weekends. But it helped my greatly.

I guess i had to be honest with myself in order to make any dort of great change about me.
ive learned to love and value myself a lot more, and instead of thinking that
i might be seen as being too selfish, people understand and take you more seriously.

Its been hard, but worth it. Just have to keep on striving

I hope youre well Billi. Thank you for everything.

Hi Sar,
It was lovely to see you had visited the forum. You are like a warm fire of positivity.

Yes I am well thank you for asking. You have such beautiful manners.

I was in awe of just how much you have come on in the last few months and the things you have learnt about yourself. It's just wonderful to read the real genuine progress you have made. It's inspirational.

And to read that you are in the second month of not smoking too... wow! I recently got 5 years as a non-smoker under my belt and I can honestly say that of all the wet, dry and behavioural addictions I am in recovery from, smoking was up there as the number 1 hardest addiction to put down. To me it was like a bereavement letting it go after 30 years of it being my "best friend". I suffered. So to think that you are addressing this addiction as well as lying addiction is hugely impressive. HUGE RESPECT Sar!!

Dear Billi, and all on this Forum

As promised, i have come once again.

Lifes a lot different now, im in a different place from where i was 2 months ago. However each day is still a new oppurtunity to learn about myself.

To this day my lying habit along with other bad habits have shown significant improvement.
Last Saturday i witnessed first hand the consequences of Compulsive smoking (used compulsive as part of the theme). A close relative has succumbed to Heart to disease, as a result of incessant smoking over a number of years. Although ive kicked (or still kicking) the habit for two moths now, it just serves as a painful reminder of what could have been. Im certain this family member isnt the only victim of this nasty habit, but doesnt cease to sadden me at the thought of how many others may be able to empathise with them.
.

I suppose Lying could be thought of as smoking in a way. One ciggarette, may not do you any harm in the immediate sense (depending on what level you look at it) but over time, if this nasty habit is practised incessantly, then it may lead on to 'diseases' of the heart so to speak.

Lying and smoking can be put on a similar context, in many ways, when we feel its an ideal place to lie or smoke, we may mot consider the long term effects of our actions. But over time the consequences of our actions do come to fruition. Be it Cornary Heart disease or breaking hearts and trusts of ithers. But the cure to both instances, is honesty to yourself. And this could be applied in many situations when are facing with a personal dilemma. At least when we are honest to we are not kidding ourselves, aswell as gaining a merit of self respect snd worth.

Unfortunately, i come from a very conservative South asian cultural background. The elders of my houe follow a strict, traditional code where the youngsters arent allowed to quetion the habts and lifstyls of tveir elders, despite the fact that it may be killing them. Instead of humbenes in times of strife, we (the usual members of my househod) resort to narcissism infused with egotism. I suppose you can only seve a an example to the ones that may appreciate you, besides i dont realy get the indian/banglaeshi cultures anyway.

Although i remenisce abou my past quite often the pain is chanelled towards a goal now. Ive realised that im hurting for a reason, and that i have a lot of work to do still. A personal variation of a quote fro the late Steve Jobs of Apple goes as "When you wake up in the morning, Look in the mirror, and ask yourself, if today was my last day alive, would i want to go in my cuurent legacy and character, and would i want to be doing what i am going to do today?, if the answer is no, too many days in a row, then you need to change something about yourself".

I hope tomorrow isnt my last day alive, still have much yet to learn.

I hope you are well Billi.

Thank you

Sar

Hi Sar,
Your journey is a deep one... You're becoming very wise in your recovery.

I saw that fantastic speech Steve Jobs did and loved your version of that quote. I like this quote too... "How would the person I am becoming do the thing I am about to do."

Keep the Faith Sar...
Billi

I'm not exactly sure if lying is pathological for me, but I haven't hd any major consequences yet... I think that I lie to make a story more funny, to make the things that I do seem cooler and especially to relate. I often use an imaginary family member to give my argument credibility or to seem cool. I lie to make myself seem more: Vulnerable, Cool, Funny, Interesting, Needed. Also since I am an only child, and usually my friends have siblings who cover a wide array of interests, it seems relatable to say that "a cousin did ______" or "my uncle is a _______" I guess I just need help to seem more real, but not lose my self worth... Is that plausible? I hope so

Is it crazy to think that these lies are pathological? They slip out so quickly and I usually don't even think twice... I hope I can fix this before high school. I have read a few of these posts, and I am going to try to be a bit more honest, a bit at a time. Thanks for sharing your advice, and thanks reading this!

Hi Eco,
You don't sound like a pathological liar. You sound like a lying addict. To help you differentiate between the 2, here's my definitions plus a post I did that explains why lying addicts lie which sounds a lot like why you lie...

I define “Pathological Lying” as “the actions of someone who deliberately and intentionally lies for financial, material or some other gain with no care or consideration to how their lies will affect or harm others.”

I define “Compulsive Lying” as “the compulsive need to lie as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life.”

However, as “compulsive liars” often premeditate their lies as well as lie when driven by the compulsion to do so, I do not feel the term “compulsive liars” adequately covers the condition of lying as a reflexive way of life.

“ADDICTION” on the other hand is defined as “The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity.”

So, “LYING ADDICTION” is “The condition of being addicted to lying as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life where the intention is not to cause harm to others.”

The “lying addict”, therefore, is not someone who, say, is cheating on a loved one and lying all the time about it (although lying addicts could do this of course – like anyone could). A lying addict is somebody who is addicted to lying in order to live.

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

Here's also a post I did on How To Stop Lying. The tools I offer will work if you work them...

compulsive-lying/topic116107.html

Good Luck.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine

Dear Billi

I hope youre well. As tradition its taken me a very long time to contribute to the forum, despite my promises to make more of an effort. Forgive me.

Lifes different for me now, its weird to think that 8 months ago i put my first post up here. It actually just feels like yesterday when i felt the weight of the world on my dhoulders. Although ive been dealing with certain problems about my character in the past 8 months, ive still had the stresses and strains of dealing with daily life. Snd to be honest, it was never easy for me. To put down a hanit let alone a harmful one after so many years takes quite a bit of strife. However despite my challenges ive persevered.

My issues are different now. University problems mostly. It gets me enotional sometimes because of how life at uni jus inundates you with responsibilities, and to think... its been pretty much most of my life now. Its depressing to think how much more there is left. And to be frank im kinda getting fed up of this rat race now. However despite most of my problems i havent succumbed to my old ways. And like i said before it wasnt easy.

It does put me on an emotional rollercoaster to seee how much things have changed overcthe mobths. I think the concept of breaking bad hanuts is a simple, Time and perserverance/determination. To apply that does take a lot of self discipline though. Its obe of the many things ive learned in this journey. I can truly say now that nothing, is impossible.


Im dorry Billi if the typing is weird on this, im doing it off my phone and its pretty slow to respond.

But as always Thank you Billi Caine for your support and belief in me. It was a big stepping stone for me to overcome this challenge, but with your help and advice im seeibg it through. I always refer back to those links you sent me on my first or secobd post. And i try to cone bsck to the forum as a reminder. And as a point to see how far ice come.

Thank you Billi, for everything youve given me. I needed it..

Sar

Always great to see you on the forum Sar.

I know college can be tough... it was for me too but it will be worth it in the end. High Five on your stick-ability on all fronts.

Warmest,
Billi