My journey to better myself

High Five you 2! Onwards and upwards....

Today had its positives and its negatives. I'm trying really hard to bounce back, keep good thoughts in my mind and just stay positive. My former friends, as is the most accurate way to describe them, decided to poke some fun at me through social media and it upset me. One of them had asked me to buy them tickets to something and I said no to them, they hadn't reached out at all to me to see how I was doing, support me or be anywhere close to helpful during this situation and today they decided to post their tickets from last year with "wish we were going this year" and stating that they aren't because I suck. Well, I'm not going to be taken advantage of as I was in the past and what really sucks is their attitude. I think it's for my best interest to just remove them from my life, social media and any other way to connect with them. It's such a downer and if I can rid myself of that I will. It's that feeling of trying to crawl out of this hell I caused myself with lying and they are chaining me down. I don't need that. As far as bouncing back from the relapse, I'm taking it as slow as possible. Literally one second at a time without trying to slip up again.

As I was reading your post, the same thought crossed my mind that crossed yours - to just cut them out your life. I've had to do that many times over the course of my recovery from all the different wet, dry and behavioral addictions I've had if I was to successfully move forward. Sometimes we need to cut off a hand to save an arm. And ripping off a plaster/ band-aid slow is far more painful for the long term than just ripping it off quick. Sometimes radical surgery is the only way - however hard that is.

I do feel for you. Endings are always tough. We experience grief at our loss and losing these friendships are an actual bereavement even if death itself has not occurred. To help you understand the stages of grief here they are... (Based on the Grief Cycle model first published in On Death & Dying, Elisabeth Kübler-Ross, 1969. Interpretation by Alan Chapman 2006-2013.)

1. Denial - Denial is a conscious or unconscious refusal to accept facts, information, reality, etc., relating to the situation concerned. It's a defence mechanism and perfectly natural. Some people can become locked in this stage when dealing with a traumatic change that can be ignored.

2. Anger - Anger can manifest in different ways. People dealing with emotional upset can be angry with themselves, and/or with others, especially those close to them. Knowing this helps keep detached and non-judgmental when experiencing the anger of someone who is very upset.

3. Bargaining - Traditionally the bargaining stage for people facing death can involve attempting to bargain with whatever God the person believes in. People facing less serious trauma can bargain or seek to negotiate a compromise. For example "Can we still be friends?.." when facing a break-up. Bargaining rarely provides a sustainable solution, especially if it's a matter of life or death.

4. Depression - Also referred to as preparatory grieving. In a way it's the dress rehearsal or the practice run for the 'aftermath' although this stage means different things depending on whom it involves. It's a sort of acceptance with emotional attachment. It's natural to feel sadness and regret, fear, uncertainty, etc. It shows that the person has at least begun to accept the reality.

5. Acceptance - Again this stage definitely varies according to the person's situation, although broadly it is an indication that there is some emotional detachment and objectivity.

This too shall pass...
Big Hug.

Hello all, sorry I haven't posted the last couple of nights. I had family visiting and spent the last few days before school started with my girlfriend. I must say things are getting better. We fought a bit today but I told her that she asked me to be myself and not try and be who I think she wants me to be and that's going to mean me holding my ground on things and doing things my own way, speaking my mind and not really holding back and that's going to take some adjusting on both ends, but it's nothing neither of us won't do.

Class starts tomorrow and I think it'll be good for multiple reasons. It's a good distraction for me, it gives me something to focus on and it gives my girlfriend and I more time apart to miss each other. It's important to miss those you love, it makes time with them far more valuable and appreciated. I look forward to a new day, each day and I'm going to try and make the best of every situation I am in and put myself in the most honest situations possible.

I am so impressed with you two doing the often excruciating work involved in recovery from addiction. Just ride the storms of truly uncomfortable feelings that come up and breathe them away. The only way out is through. Keep the faith. A rainbow is on the other side of this.

So, school started up again and it's been really busy. It's going to take me while to get back into the swing of things and for now it just feels like I'm always trying to just get every assignment done as soon as I can in order to get it out of the way. I don't get to see my girlfriend outside of weekend any more, but keeping busy is a good thing. I feel like I have so much to do now and I'm doing my best to be honest with new people around me. It is both tempting to lie to someone you don't know, but rewarding to just not lie about anything. I don't feel a need to, but it is still tempting. I think its a matter of starting off strong and doing my best one class at a time.

I'm not really sure on what to update lately. I'm so caught up in school that I'm just constantly feeling rushed and am really looking forward to the weekend. I had forgotten how stressful school can be. I'm doing my best to stay ahead on all the work I have to do, but it totally gets overwhelming. I get to see my girlfriend later today and I'm pretty excited for that.

Not a big update, but I'm finding it easier to just be myself. I don't want to deal with the stress of school and keeping up lies and I just find it easier to tell the truth. It's a big weird to do at first, but it feels really rewarding afterwards. I got to spend time with my girlfriend yesterday and we did a great job of not letting anything lead to an argument. It's a one day at a time process, but there's no doubt that we will be able to keep it up. It's a matter of will power, dedication and good decisions.

Not a big update you say! Are you kidding me up????? Your words here are the words of the miracle of recovery. Wow. I was thrilled to read them.

It's been a weekend with a few ups and down, but most importantly progress was made as far as learning how to identify problems, not get defensive during an argument and learning to communicate between myself and my girlfriend. It's been really tough on both of us learning to deal with our relationship and the tension lying has brought upon us. It's hard to understand that things that seem simple to someone can be quite difficult for someone else to do or understand. I can't say I'm ever going to say I'm never going to lie again, but I am happy saying I didn't lie today each night before bed. I honestly don't care how hurtful being honest gets, I'm going to do it. I think it's going to be a big change for both of us hearing complete honesty and openness from me, but it's important to learn to do that. I'm someone that likes to keep to myself. My ideal weekend after a long week of schoolwork is to relax, watch a movie and smoke a hookah. I'm not a big fan of big groups or going out. To me, those things add stress rather than relieve it. I'm not sure if the whole not liking big groups has anything to do with my lying addiction, or if it's just part of my personality. Any idea there Billi? I'm making better decisions. For example, I only see my girlfriend on weekends now because of classes and she offered to sleep over during the week and I said no, that I needed to focus on school. Saying no is hard and even if it seems simple to someone, to me there's a lot of stress involved in it.

As for my "friends" we don't speak any more. I'm not interested in that stressful environment.