The FULL Explanation as to WHY Lying Addicts Lie

Hello, I am new to this site and was hoping to perhaps get advice on this compulsive lying topic. I've been dating my boyfriend for almost a year now, and throughout the year I've noticed some drastic differences in a lot of the stories he's told me and a lot of inconsistencies with really everything he's told me. Just last week I confronted him about his lying and he started freaking out, first trying to blame me for him lying to me, and then admitting to lying to me and everyone else he's ever been with. I love this guy and I don't want to lose him, and I definitely don't want to lose him over something like lying. I understand this is an addiction and I understand he can get help. I'm not about to give up on him.

His mom is the exact same way, and so it's truly really the only thing he's ever grown up with - lying. His mother was also not the best caretaker for him, so he did not have the best childhood. It wasn't the worst childhood, but it definitely wasn't the best childhood. But he's got really low self=esteem and doesn't think too highly of himself at all, and I'm pretty sure that's the main reason he lies. He wants to appear better than what he is because he fears his true self isn't good enough for anything or anyone.

Even though I think that's the main reason he lies, I do think there are lots of other reasons as well for why he lies. When I confronted him about it, and once he knew I wasn't 'ripping his head' off or 'tearing him a new one' so to speak, he calmed down a bit and I could see his actual true emotion - I could see he was sorry and I could see he never meant to hurt me. I told him I still wanted to be with him and that I still love him and I want to work on this problem together. I just need someone to tell me it's worth it. I love him, yes, and I do want to spend my life with him, but I also know I can't do that if I can't trust him all the time. I know he's not meaning to hurt me and I know he loves me, I think I just need some hope in this.

Hi can you help someone who's dug her grave already? Is there a way to erase memories or understanding what caused the lying or how to avoid this problem for another new young person. I'd like to dig deep and question why kids lie. What are they scared of what did they do so bad?

but it might all be lies though

This is the first time I have read about lying in such a supportive and understanding way. Parts of the explanation are me down to a T. I have lost so much through lying. I feel very alone and trapped now. I have used the mental health services to get some form of support and attention, but only through my lies. Is there anywhere that I can have anonymous 1 to 1 support and advice. I feel so ashamed by my lying. I am scared of opening up to everyone. I cut myself off from the world because I am frightened of continued lying. I just can't seem to stop, because I either want the attention or I don't want to let people into my life because I will just continue lying. I am so trapped. I would be so grateful for some guidance please.

I have always wondered about this... I had a friend in college who loved to make stuff up about all his cars, money, and planes. This post opened my eyes a little bit. I just wonder really how to talk to him about it? I like him for him... not all his money he claims to have that I know is false. Its really annoying.

Anybody know ways to fix this?

There's no fix for this which is why I have ended every single friendship over the past few years, stopped going to work, quit university, ended my long-term relationship and only leave the house to get something to eat.

You can't lie to people if you don't talk to them. It's a very frustrating and exorbitantly depressing way of putting an end to it but it's better for the sake of humanity. I don't want to embarrass people any further with my stupid fantasy stories. At home I can lie to myself and live in my fantasy world without harming innocent 3rd parties in the process.

Have a good day!

I have a question for this group. I'm a 56 yo Navy veteran currently immersing myself in multitudes of therapy through the VA for a laundry list of issues that have plagued me mostly like all my life. Depression, anxiety, low self esteem. I'm making great strides in all these areas through therapy, diet, excersize and a strong loving supportive woman..........but the one that eludes me is the cursed lying.
I know from reading that my lies stem from several areas low self esteem, approval, and avoidance of confrontation and stress, I can pin point events in my life that were most likely the triggers. I've never lied to misrepresent myself as anybody I wasn't, just a better version............most of the lies on face are about the stupidest of things. For instance the most recent I told my girlfriend i got off work an hour later than I did so I could get home and get my place perfect for our date that night, well someone who has had designs on a relationship with her and has imparted himself in our relationship, told her i was home earlier than I told her. She confronted me about it and gave me the chance and told me it would be ok if I had misled her she'd have understood......well I didn't.......I lied because I was embarassed of the condition of my place........I dug my heel in and wouldn't back down from the lie because of who told her. We have talked and she told me that all I had to do was tell her that I needed an hour to straighten up and she would have understood. This is the nature of most of my lies. I spent 30 years with a woman with who I could never do right and a year later I was in a 3 year relationship with her identical twin.Then I find the woman I spent a lifetime searching for. She has never judged me, never asked for more than I could give, but I came to her battling my demons and she has stood beside me, but this what seems to be an insignificant lie hurt her deeply....not because of what I lied about, but because it was a lie. This woman is truly my soulmate and we will get through this, but if it's possible to be scared straight lord have I, I also know with all addictions ( 2 time veteran of residential alcohol treatment) lying addiction is a one day at a time journey. I wake up everyday get on bended knee and tell myself out loud "today I choose not to LIE " so far so good..........but I need and want more. Is there therapists or a field of therapy that deals with this directly or is an addiction therapist the better option? I've put the question to my VA primary care mental health provider, but searching all options. I know I can beat this.

Welcome to the forums Yachtmaker,

I am sorry that you are struggling with this . Compulsions are difficult to overcome ( I am a compulsive gambler ) . What helped me was distracting myself for a minute or two when the impulse hit me . Too often , I would act on it , then instantly regret what I did and now it could not be undone .

Sometimes those few moment of hesitation gave me the chance to let the " logic " come through and forced me to question the wisdom of following through on the impulse . I talked myself out of a lot of my compulsive moments , and by that I mean I talked to myself out loud . I asked myself
" Why ? " a lot . Understanding the "why" of what I was feeling at the time of the compulsion helped me a great deal .

I hope you can find some help for this . I hope your GF understands that a compulsion isn't a choice or even a bad habit . It's a lot more than that . It's a battle .

All the best

Thank you for taking the time to post some interesting and informative information!

I was hoping that you might share your thoughts on something that occasionally happened to me in childhood with regard to lying and whether or not you would consider a white lie as being just as harmful as other types of lies.

I stayed with babysitters after school until the 6th grade, at which point my parents felt I was old enough to stay home alone while they were working. I would never be home alone for more than 90 minutes.

During that those days, there were no cell phones for texting and although there were some answering machines available in stores, it was the early 80s so they were still more than what my parents could afford.

My parents told me that if someone called on the telephone when I was home alone, then I was to politely tell the stranger that my parents were busy, offer to take a message, and tell them that my parents would call them back at their earliest convenience.

When I asked if I could just let the phone ring and not answer it, my parents did not feel like that was a viable option. They didn't call every day, but some days they would call to check on me. Plus, they insisted that I answer the phone in the event of an emergency.

Any comments would be appreciated.