Can't stop

Hello. I'm not sure what I'm doing here. After another hard day I simply decided to look up about lying pathology which I have definite problems with. I don't know what I want telling about myself here, so I'll simply go and tell without any expectations.

I'm simply screwed up. In about 4-5 years there hasn't been a day without a lie, I think. My friends, my family, classmates, random people I know, people I don't know - no one can really say they know me well because they have no idea about endless lies I tell them. I have couple of friends who consider me as a close one. I'd consider them too as well, but how can I when they don't know about me at all? To my friends and many other people I'm a son of a rich daddy who is a lawyer and my family lives in a private house in one most the most prestigious areas in my town. They also think I traveled quite a lot compared to them and that I have insomnia which is somewhat inconsistent. They think all kinds of stuff that aren't true - from what movies I watched and what sports matches I've been to what do I eat and what class I'm in right now.

Truth is - I come from a very poor family. I live with my epileptic mother with all kinds of physical and mental and my grandmother. My father is a slacker who isn't able to find a consistent-paying job in years know. For more than a year he lived in a shelter, now for a couple of days he lives simply outside. I still don't consider him a bum or whatever - he's intelligent, sharp-minded, never smoked or used drugs, well, the kind of father I'd like if he wasn't such a lazy and completely irresponsible man. We were moving from one place to another - we had our flat when we moved to the capital from a second biggest city in my country (that's about 10 years know), but my parents got in debt and it was sold. After that we rented 3 flats and we were escorted from all of them with some fireworks. That's how I ended up living with my grandmother who got tired of paying our renting debts (along with my uncle) and took my mom, my youngest sister and me but she honestly hates my father, so we got separated.
Alright, I got carried away with that. Well, to not bore you people, I'll make it short: I've only been to one other country in my life (which is like the second closest foreign city), I made up my insomnia to get more attention and to be original and I lie about what class I'm attending 'cause I'm ashamed. I think many people would think (and reasonably so) that my friends are morons - not to notice that their best friend or just a friend is a completely different person than they think and he lies more than he tells truth is quite stupid, right? Well, they're not morons. I simply managed to "lie it out" to a point where some things aren't questioned. Obviously, they have never been to my "private house", they practically didn't talk to my "other friends" or family, they never checked my passport to see that I've been practically nowhere and so on. Of-course I do have a reputation of being quite a liar to many people I know (there are just so many of lies it got impossible for me to remember some stuff anymore) but it's nothing I can't handle yet, most of these people find it funny and they don't take me as responsible one (which is true). Although it has gotten much difficult over the years to keep everything in line, it has to be said.

It's not only friends, as I mentioned. My classmates think that I live alone (and girls from pubs which I try to pick up, but those lies are quiet reasonable, I think), my parents think I had few girlfriends they know names of which I didn't for some time and which they don't, my... ah whatever, everything is a one big lie for me. I won't say I'm ashamed of lying itself - I think it worked out the way it did and there's no need to cry over it. Those lies amuse me quite often and I even find myself proud because of a stories I make. It's just one thing I'd like to have - one close person I could tell all this. 'Cause I ain't ready to tell all those people this stuff but it gets really hard to lie my way out of everything and I'm tired of not being able to tell the truth 'cause there is no place for it anymore.

Alright, so I won't bother you much longer with my probably-not-quite-really interesting story. But if someone read it, I'd like to know if they are or especially have been in similar situations and how they handle this pathology. And similar stuff.

Hi Mr T.
I read through your story and you have all the hallmarks of being what I call a "lying addict". Here's my definition... “The condition of being addicted to lying as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life where the intention is not to cause harm to others.” This differs to “Pathological Lying” which I define as “the actions of someone who deliberately and intentionally lies for financial, material or some other gain with no care or consideration to how their lies will affect or harm others.”

For whatever reason, that first lie you told way back gave you the fix you needed to cope with the world you was living in and over time it has developed into a full blown addiction. Lying addicts need to lie in order to live just as any addict needs their drug of choice in order to live.

My gut feeling after reading your post is that you haven't done enough lying yet to get you to the place where you are ready to change from the inside out and start recovering from your addiction. Your addiction needs to play itself out some more. My sense is that although you recognize that lying has outlived it's usefulness in your life, that is not enough yet to desire letting it go. My suggestion... let your addiction play itself out until you have had a belly full of the consequences of it and then come back when you are ready to embrace change. We will still be here.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine

Ha, man, thanks for your reply. It's quite an interesting point you know, "to keep lying until you really get stuck". I can't say I agree with that and I definitely don't think that's a "textbook help" that I'd get from a shrink. Anyway, what do I know, with this goddamn problem I surely don't consider myself as an objective one.

The problem with your advice though is that when my lies are revealed completely, the first thing that will come to mind - and I'm sure of it - will be blowing my brains out. 'Cause even though I cannot consider my friends as great friends and my family as great family because of the fact that they don't know first thing about me, they're still my friends and family. I definitely wouldn't like to lose them in any way. Even if that's inevitable, I'd like to keep them around as long as possible (well, at least I'm good enough of a layer to do that).

Anyway, thanks for your advice. Still, the best one I got since no one even know I have addictions like these.

Hi Mr T,
I did not say "lie until you get stuck". I said lie until you have had enough of lying and are ready to recover. I know my feedback is not text book but it is the one you would get from the Recovery Movement in general dealing with addiction. Anyone who knows anything about addiction knows that an addict has to have had enough of life with their addiction before they are willing to admit defeat. Over the many years I have been involved in recovery circles I have seen 1000s of people go through those infamous addiction revolving doors only admitting defeat when they were battered and broken. I don't think you will be the one addict in the world who will defy the rule of that...

As to you "blowing your brains out"... I doubt very much you would do that. Yes you may think that is a permanent answer to a temporary problem but if you was to think for a second longer, you'd realize you instead need to man up and take the consequences of your addiction on the chin by owning your actions and choices. All addicts, at some point, have to clean up the messes left by their addictions and you are no exception. Taking the selfish route of suicide leaves everyone even more destroyed than they were with just the lies themselves.

The tone of your post got the response you got from me because I picked up that your addiction is simply starting to feel like an itch that is irritating. Here's the deal though... until that itch becomes a full blown skin rash, you will continue acting out your addiction and will do very little if anything to halt it in it's tracks. Period. If you did otherwise you would not be a true addict and you and I both know you are.

And as for your shrink comment... My research into lying addicts (comprising of reading every post ever made by any lying addicts and their loved ones on lying related and mental health forums going back 10 years) found that not one mental heath professional was even able to define and break down - let alone fully understand - what compulsive lying/ lying addiction even is. It's my view therefore that only someone who comes at compulsive lying from an addiction perspective will ever really be able to help lying addicts in the long term.

I hear what you say about your family and friends but it's been my experience that addicts of all types often do have to have dents made in those relationships before they can get to the point where they are willing to admit defeat. And at the end of the day Mr T. isn't there a part of you that cries out inside to have them know the real you not this people pleasing pretzel that is turning himself inside out to be who everyone else wants and needs him to be? Isn't there a part of you that needs to find and be who you really are? If not, as I said... addicts need to go down before they can come up and begin creating and nurturing their real selves.