New to the board-I am a pathological liar

Hi- I am new to the site and just spent hours poring over the compulsive lying posts. First thanks to all who posted I felt as if I could have written any number of the posts as I have lived with lying for as long as I can remember. My destructive behavior has ruined my marriage, lost my home and strained my relationship with my children. I have burned bridges professionally and personally. I spend the majority of my free time alone as I have lost most of my friends. I tried therapy and found for reasons unknown to me i could not be honest with the therapist. Again, this is my first post and I am hopeful over the course of time I can begin to write about some of the really awful tales I have told. I appreciate reading all of your comments and look forward to posting again. I am very pleased I found this site!

I guess my only wish is to understand why and hopefully figure out a way to stop and move forward. The stress is unbearable!

Hi Steven.

I recently split with my ex boyfriend as he had the same condition as you. He has now started seeing a therapist, and we talk about his problem as friends. I study mental health at university so I understand that there is a cognitive issue at times and that you can be helped.
I hope I am right. If I am wrong, then you guys will just continue to hurt those around you. Please try seeing a therapist again; tell them straight away that you are a compulsive liar, and tell them that you have trouble being honest with them. Most importantly don't get depressed about it. Just try and speak to someone and you will be helped.
Good luck xx

Hi Bozz,
You are no longer alone. Keep posting your feelings and understand that what you have is a lying addiction which is a disease and not a moral issue.

As to how to stop lying... here's 20 tips for you...

1. Never tell yourself you are “giving up” lying. To “give up” something is to be deprived of that thing and can lead to wanting that thing even more. Instead, tell yourself you are “stopping” lying instead.

2. Try weaning yourself off lying by telling one lie then one truth then one lie then one truth etc.

3. In addition to your resolve to not lie, also proactively resolve to not create any more messes that will encourage lying.

4. Nothing makes it easier to not lie than when everyone around you knows you are a lying addict and to scrutinise your words. Tell them. Tell them you are a lying addict. Tell them it is a disease not a moral issue. If you feel unsafe with somebody who may harm you if you were to tell them, trust yourself enough to have discernment and tell them nothing. You know who can be trusted and who can’t.

5. Have people hold you accountable for your lies. Sometimes you may not know you have lied until later so accountability balances that out.

6. Start experimenting with being honest with small things and build up to the bigger things.

7. Think ahead of time when you are more likely to lie. Think about your lying patterns and consciously pre-empt yourself. If you always lie to the local shop keeper for example, anticipate this and prepare yourself for the discomfort of telling the truth to the shopkeeper or of saying nothing. Anticipate these types of moments. Or if you feel too vulnerable on any given day, don’t go into that particular shop as the person is a trigger for you.

8. Use the acronym H.A.L.T. as a guide for relapse prevention. It stands for “Hungry, Angry, Lonely and Tired.” Addicts are more likely to be more vulnerable to their addiction when they are in any of these four states.

9. Pay extra attention to your words when you are anxious or excited as you are more likely to lie in either state. If you feel becoming either, BREATHE SLOWLY AND DEEPLY FROM YOUR STOMACH.

10. Give yourself mini goals each day or each hour to not lie. Make the goals realistic for where you are at.

11. Buy a wall calendar. On days you don’t lie, colour the day in blue. On the days you lie colour the day in red. This way you can view your progress better. Alternatively, buy a “page a day” diary calendar. Each hour you are honest, colour blue, each hour you lie colour red. As time goes on, you will see patterns as well as growth. For instance, you may lie more in work than at home as co-workers, for instance, may not be aware that you are a lying addict. Once you see the pattern, consciously decide to address it head on.

12. When you feel you are desperate to lie, do something to distract yourself like cleaning for example. It takes the edge off the urge to relapse.

13. List 3 positive traits or behaviours about yourself daily. For example if you were kind to someone that day include that. The more your self esteem rises the less likely you are to lie.

14. List 3 things you are grateful for each day. The more you are in the vibration of abundance, the less likely you are to feel the need to lie as lying is a lower vibration act. It’s hard to be grateful and negative at the same time.

15. It is very difficult to remove a negative thought or habit without replacing it with a positive one. Nature hates a void. Consciously choose new positive thoughts and habits.

16. Develop goals and hobbies that define who you authentically are as opposed to who everybody else likes, wants or needs you to be.

17. Get into the habit of finding things you do well and acknowledge them to yourself regularly.

18. Write a list of things you are great at and understand and embrace your positive qualities because your self esteem is totally intertwined with your lying addiction. Bring up your self esteem and the lies slowly leave your life.

19. Immediately backtrack if you lie

20. Don't replace exaggeration with lying. That's just like taking methadone instead of heroin. Both are still drugs.

Hope this helps,
Big Hug,
Billi caine

ps... you are not a "pathological liar"...

I define "Pathological Lying" as "the actions of someone who deliberately and intentionally lies for financial, material or some other gain with no care or consideration to how their lies will affect or harm others."

I define "Compulsive Lying" as "the compulsive need to lie as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life."

However, as "compulsive liars" often premeditate their lies as well as lie when driven by the compulsion to do so, I do not feel the term "compulsive liars" adequately covers the condition of lying as a reflexive way of life.

"ADDICTION" on the other hand is defined as "The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity."

So, "LYING ADDICTION" is defined as "The condition of being addicted to lying as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life where the intention is not to cause harm to others."

Billie/Boz- Thanks for the response and kind words. Billie your 20 tips are great, thanks! Boz, good to here the perspective of someone who has lived with and been hurt by this issue. I will begin to post again soon I hope and also really want to try therapy again. Thanks!

Hi Steven,
I am not actually a lying addict myself but have a spent a great deal of time studying this horrific addiction from both the addict and the loved one of the addicts perspective. Both have a torturous existence. One day, it will be given the mainstream support that it needs and deserves.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine

Steven,

I just came across your post today and just want to reach out to you and let you know you're not the only one going through something like this. I'm on the same boat. My lies have placed a huge stress on my relationship with my partner.

I've done Billi's tips and trust me, they work. I'm more aware of what comes out of my mouth and Boz's suggestion about seeing a therapist is key. You also need to be honest with your therapist... afterall, they're there to help you.

You coming here is the first step and I'm glad you've read the posts... I've done the same thing. One thing that's helping me is that I started to journal my day to day experiences, the good, the bad, the ugly. I also start my day with positive affirmations and I changed my routines. I avoided places and situations that would spark me to lie in my case, online chat rooms with people that I don't even know. Instead, I went "back to basics" and kinda started to "date myself" again and it helped me realize who I really am as a person and that's what I focus on now... From gardening, to cooking, etc.

My day to day events are not easy, I would be lying to you if I told you this all happened overnight. As I mentioned, you'll have good days and bad days... It's all about honoring what you're feeling and decide what you want to do. You only have two choices for most of everything, the right or wrong. There are days when I make wrong decisions and when I do make the right decisions, it makes me feel good and I use that as positive reinforcement. When I make wrong decisions, I break it down... Figure out what I can do next time... learn from your down moments and find a way to turn it into an up day!

Good luck and keep posting... People are here listening... I know from experience.