Lying has destroyed another relationship

Hello,
I have always have had problems with lying and now it has really started to affect me. Yesterday, my girlfriend, let's call her Heather, broke up with me. I was will her for 7 months. Almost everything I told her was a lie. But Monday she went to visit me at a job that I quit a month ago. She had enough of me, cause we were having other problems too. She says and I admit that, I have not treated her the best these past few months. In December, she started talking about this other guy she liked and said if things don't work out between us she would pursue him. I got mad that she would ever say that to me and have been fighting off and on since. She is 19 and I'm 26. I still live at home with my parents, have epilepsy and learning disabilities. I believe I could survive on my own, but I can't find a job. Yes, I did say I quit my job. They never scheduled me. I make a lot of decisions without thinking clearly. I also have problems with compulsive shopping. Blew through all of my savings after another girlfriend, let's call her Jamie, broke up with me in 2011. I stood her up a few times. I really liked her and don't understand why I would do that. One time it was cause I wore a light grey suit to a wedding, I didn't want her to see me so I left without saying hi. I was mostly honest with her. But I lied to her and told her I got a promotion, thinking I might be able to get her back. I don't know why I lied to both of these girls.
I really lie to everyone, well except my little sister, I know she will accept me for who I am. Heather's mom didn't want her to go out with me, cause I will never be able to support her. I wasn't too mad that we broke up. I just want to understand why I lie all of the time. I have always felt like I am not good enough for anyone and will never get another girl. Cause I'm 26, still live with my parents, and am unemployed. I don't have a single friend. Think they don't want to deal with all of my compulsive lying. I want to get it under control, so I don't destroy any friendships I may have.

Hi Nsparks,
In answer to your question as to why you lie, it is my belief that you do so because you are a lying addict. To help you understand what I mean, here's some information...

To begin with I need to differentiate between "PATHOLOGICAL LYING", "COMPULSIVE LYING" and "LYING ADDICTION".

I define "Pathological Lying" as "the actions of someone who deliberately and intentionally lies for financial, material or some other gain with no care or consideration to how their lies will affect or harm others."

I define "Compulsive Lying" as "the compulsive need to lie as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life."

However, as "compulsive liars" often premeditate their lies as well as lie when driven by the compulsion to do so, I do not feel the term "compulsive liars" adequately covers the condition of lying as a reflexive way of life.

"ADDICTION" on the other hand is defined as "The fact or condition of being addicted to a particular substance, thing, or activity."

So, "LYING ADDICTION" is "The condition of being addicted to lying as a normal and reflexive way of responding to life where the intention is not to cause harm to others."

The "lying addict", therefore, is not someone who, say, is cheating on a loved one and lying all the time about it (although lying addicts could do this of course - like anyone could). A lying addict is somebody who is addicted to lying in order to live.

THE SCIENCE OF LYING ADDICTION IN SIMPLE TERMS

Constance Holden, writing in 2001 in "Science" magazine - the worlds leading journal of original scientific research wrote "Scientists have traditionally confined their use of the term "addiction" to substances that clearly foster physical dependence. That's changing, however. New knowledge suggests that, as far as the brain is concerned, a reward's a reward, regardless of whether it comes from a chemical or an experience. And where there's a reward - as in gambling, eating, sex, or shopping - there's the risk of getting trapped in a compulsion."

Lying as a behavioral addiction is "rewarding" for the lying addict and, therefore, just like any other behavioral addiction, causes physiological changes in the brain and body just as any other drug addiction does. Today, brain scans of addicts (including behavioral addicts) reveal defects in the brain's pleasure center that processes the "pleasure chemical" dopamine.

Whether these defects happen as a result of the addiction itself or are there at birth is irrelevant. What is important however is that the more a person feeds their addiction, the more extensive the defect in the brain's pleasure center is over time. And in addition, over time, a person - including a lying addict - will need to do more of the drug or activity or engage in riskier and riskier behaviors to get the same "fix" or "high".

Science also shows us that not only do certain drugs affect neurotransmitters in the brain but behaviors associated with doing that behavior do too. For example, just seeing a syringe can stimulate a rise in dopamine levels in the brain of heroin addicts because of the learned association between syringes and their drug addiction. In the same vein then, just the thought of lying in lying addiction can cause a rise in dopamine levels too.

Understand this Nsparks, there is hope. Addicts get recovery every day and that includes lying addicts.

Big Hug,
Billi Caine