Lying is an Addiction NOT a Moral Issue

Hi Fearful,
Welcome to the forum and to recovery from lying addiction.

Although I am not a lying addict (simply someone who researched the issue of compulsive lying in great depth), I am a recovering alcoholic - funnily enough also 15 years sober!

Jmaneyapanda asked the bottom line question. Where you are within that question will determine how much you embrace your recovery from this horrific and debilitating addiction.

Lying addicts believing their own lies is very common with lying addiction so don't worry on that front. Here is a post I did on the day to day life of lying addicts. I am sure you will see yourself in the words here...

compulsive-lying/topic129187.html

I suppose co-dependency within the context you are speaking is a part of lying addiction but primarily it is about low self esteem and people pleasing in general as this post I wrote highlights...

compulsive-lying/topic115788.html

Here are some tips, tools and techniques to help you stop lying... They will work if you work them...

compulsive-lying/topic116107.html

When you are ready to come clean, here is a post I did on how to do so responsibly...

compulsive-lying/topic116108.html

Keep coming back.
Big Hug,
Billi

Fearfulinrecovery wrote:Yes, i believe i have hit bottom. i'm ready to stop lying and i need help. for myself. i cannot go on living this way. it has become too painful. i've previously identified it as "co-dependent" - lying so that others would be okay, but i'm recognizing that i'm so fearful that whatever i say will hurt others. I remind myself that i'm not that powerful, and everyone deserves to be dealing with the truth, the question is...how do i start telling the truth, and cleaning up the mess my life is in right this moment?

thank you for responding.

First and foremost, it sounds like you've taken a good first step. That is identify that you have a problem, and try to get help.

Theres a lot that goes into a lying addiction. Ive discovered for me, that I ALWAYS had some personal rationale for it. Even in case I felt I was doing it to "protect" others, or without reason, Ive learned that, for me, I always had a self serving reason to it. Something Id implore you to do is become aware of your lies, and your motivations behind them, and strive to change those motivations. Thats a good start, at least in my book.

In response to Billi Caine and jmaneyapanda; first of all THANK YOU. I've done so much reading on both of your posts, and extensively digging deep into myself. It's a very, very painful feeling to admit that I'm a liar. I can't almost bear the feeling...I'd be lying if i were to say I "am not a liar"...because, i think the truth inside me is speaking for itself. I'm ready to recovery. I'm scared to death of the ramifications, but, that's okay...I see from both of you that it will be okay. And, from what i've read, i don't have to COME CLEAN all at once, but i don't have to continue adding my growing list of lies i'm living. I do see myself in the "Day to Day Drudgery"...it's not easy living this way...not one bit.
I went into recovery, and although i'm sober, i find it shocking i've let myself grab onto this addiction. it's horrifying, actually. You have both given me hope. I assume there are no more "Liar's Anonymous" meetings out there? If so, i can't seem to find them. I plan to use this as my daily "forum" for recovery. An hour a day spent reading and embracing recovery, the way I did my alcohol sobriety is a very little price to pay for the freedom I can build for myself. Truly - I'm imprisoned in my own body...uncomfortable in my own skin doesn't even begin to describe it anymore. As you've both said, i don't even know myself anymore. I truly don't. Today i'm going to figure out what my favorite color is...I think it's green. And, I do know I love animals, but cats are my favorite.
I can't thank you enough for helping me through this process. I'm keeping files of information for reading when I can't get to my computer. Today is day 2...after admitting i'm a liar yesterday - i didn't lie all day. And, even told some truths to a friend.
Another question I have, is there a "treatment" center or facility that might offer me a "detox" of sort? or is this just as it's laid out within your writings? your thoughts on that are truly welcome...

Hi Fearful,
I love the energy you are exhibiting - that of surrender and humility. There is something very beautiful about those 2 states - even if it is terrifying for the person going through it.

In answer to your question about Liars Anonymous... Yes there is a L.A. but it is in the very very early stages of its development. Laura O the founder (username pablita2) has recently had a baby and is up to her eyes time wise so hasn't been able to get it off the ground yet. This is their current home althoughas you can see there is very little real progress being done on the steps etc and certainly no meetings - not even online ones...

http://www.dailystrength.org/groups/lia ... iscussions

To my knowledge there is nowhere a lying addict can go to "detox" or begin recovery and why I created the Lying Addiction Recovery and Mediation Kit (see my website link) to bridge the gap. Ideally, lying addicts need lying addicts themselves to create an L.A. Big Book.

Remember your AA basics... that fear is simply "false evidence appearance real". YOU CAN DO THIS.

Big Hug,
Billi

Hi again, thank you so much for responding Billi...so grateful...Day 2 complete, no lies. I think the checking in and ratting myself out and what's in my head is most helpful. along with all of the reading i've done. I tried to connect to your website/link for the kit and I can't seem to figure that out. I'm new on forums, so, perhaps I haven't figured the kinks out yet. But, any chance you could help get me that, i'd be most appreciative. I have to say, I am a liar, even though i haven't lied in the last 2 days. If i don't say it, i'm already afraid that i won't believe it. When not living in the raw pain my mind has a way of saying "oh, maybe it's not that bad."... I have a therapy appt this morning, and i plan to confess all of my recent findings to her...I'm hoping the continued diligence with this will payoff...I can't go easy on myself...I've done that before and it gets me no where. I'm staying clear of those who say "it's not that bad, or it's okay...you needed to lie." I disagree, true honest relationships do not need lies.
Thank you, Billi.
xo
Fearful

-- Thu Jan 23, 2014 10:04 am --

I forgot one other question that is eating at me...the difference between ommission and lying, and when ommission is a lie? Is every thought in my head a lie, if i don't share it? don't know if the question makes sense, but do i have to share everything to not be considered a liar....a small example, i have a desire to go to fla to see a friend, haven't told my husband that thought...am i ommitting it because i don't want his reaction, therefore it's like holding a lie?

thank you.

Hi Fearful,
I loved this quote of yours... "When not living in the raw pain my mind has a way of saying "oh, maybe it's not that bad.". That absolutely sums up the nature of addiction. Period. Great words.

In relation to the difference between lying and omission... Great question. The answer is complex. The example you gave was a great one. Nothing is a lie though unless it comes out of the mouth (unless we are internally lying to ourselves of course). So in absolute terms the answer is no - omission is not lying. I understand your dilemma though but the example you gave is what all recovering lying addicts have to go through as they find their authentic voice which is the most difficult thing a lying addict will possibly ever do. So the answer there is one day at a time recovery and to "easy does it but do it" on the verbalizing your authentic needs and desires front. That said, journal every time you don't verbalize your wants and needs so you can start to get to know who you truly are behind the people pleasing and the fear and your patterns.

In relation to my website link... hover over the icon of the little world next to the "pm" icon under "view blog" underneath where my name. Click on that link and it will take you to my website. Alternatively, click on my name and it will take you to my details which has my website in there too.

Big Hug,
Billi

I agree. I see a very fine, but definitive line between utter honesty and lying. Are you lying if you don't tell your mother she looks old and fat (IM NOT SAYING SHE IS! ? In my opinion, no. Honest people dont necessarily share each and every thought and emotion that floats through their brain. I would fathom that would cause some severe problems in and of themselves.

However, I see a very strong connection to RATIONALE for withholding. And honest rationale. Are you not telling your husband about the trip because you dont want to hurt him, or you dont want him upset at you because hes hurt? Those are two very different things. One is selfless, and one is selfish. That is a question to answer for yourself. There are things I withhold from conversation, because they are not appropriate to the conversation, and do not have desired effect for the purpose of the conversation. And I feel totally at ease with these decisions. However, if I withhold information merely so I wont have to suffer an affect of my words, I would feel a bit more uncomfortable and self suspect.

Just my 2 cents.

Hi, it's me again...Fearfulinrecovery. Just checking in. It's been awhile since I checked in. I am doing better... and am still abstaining from Lying. My therapist has asked me NOT to check in here so frequently, she doesn't think it's helpful. That it is more harmful to me, and my negative thinking...so, that being said, I wanted to a.) follow her advice and b.) let you who have been so kind to me know that I'm still not lying and this forum has been the start to my recovery. And, thank you.
I will most likely continue with all I've read...and post my progress, I'm so grateful for the start on the path you've given me here.
xo

Hi Fearful... How is this forum in any way harmful to your recovery? We never allow bullying on here and there is nothing but support and understanding for the first time ever in relation to compulsive lying/ lying addiction. Something feels amiss...

I am very glad youre getting the help you need. I, like Billi, am not quite sure how this forum can be considered harmful. Unless it was just a generalized warning of following "internet treatment". I, myself, read books, participate on forums, and go to therapy, and all work quite synergistically. However, YOU need to find out what works for YOU. Bottom line. And if its therapy alone, so be it. And congrats!!