PTSD Soldier from Iraq...

I feel like my life has no meaning anymore, like Im just here killing time waiting for something to happen. I feel like Im always at a state of hyper vigilance, I can become violent when I dont take mymeds. This scares me because of my young daughter. Id never hurt her but I do not want hedr seeing her daddy go off in a blind rage. Im married...sex ... I can never finish... I dont know what to do with myself or my life. I dont work, drawing a small check from the govt, filing bankruptcy, started smokin alot of pot...what the hell do I need to do with myself?

cpsmith wrote:I feel like my life has no meaning anymore, like Im just here killing time waiting for something to happen. I feel like Im always at a state of hyper vigilance, I can become violent when I dont take mymeds. This scares me because of my young daughter. Id never hurt her but I do not want hedr seeing her daddy go off in a blind rage. Im married...sex ... I can never finish... I dont know what to do with myself or my life. I dont work, drawing a small check from the govt, filing bankruptcy, started smokin alot of pot...what the hell do I need to do with myself?

From Wiki:

Judicial executions

The State of California offers diazepam to condemned inmates as a pre-execution sedative as part of their Lethal Injection program.

I'd say go for it. It can't hurt the PTSD. I know this is getting old guys but from my experience Valium is a wonder drug. It should be made freely available to anyone who wants some.

Also xanax is pretty good.

Yeah and before anyone complains "xanax isn't for PTSD" just shut up please. Go ahead and get PTSD and then take xanax and tell me it doesn't make you feel better. Medical science will marvel over you.

I always thought Paxil/Xanax was a great combination. As far as violence though, I don't know if it will really make you any better, probably just worse.

violence is getting few and far between, I have learned how to be calm and relax and getback in touch with myself with the grass. However, stupid people can really set me off.

cpsmith wrote:violence is getting few and far between, I have learned how to be calm and relax and getback in touch with myself with the grass. However, stupid people can really set me off.

Then stay inside.

i work with this guy who sounds exactly like you.

as for how to get better, possibly experiment with an anger management class. not enough money? start up a job. i can't seem to find any meaning in my life, but i like to imagine that it's helping people i do best. maybe you should try to help someone. how about this: use your want for your daughter to have a good life as a way of motivation. everyone has to find their own motivation, and i think you'll get there. for some reason i have faith in you.

I start a new job on monday... Im excited...working marketing sales for a magizine company. I also love to entertain. I am training to be a "pro wrestler" and work several independent state organizations. Eventually, I would like to start a small federation for a christian show. Its not for pain or fame that I want to rassel. Its the looks on the faces of kids when you can truley see them enjoying themselves watching a positive rolemodel hero. I dont let my problems keep me in my house... Ive always been an out going person and this will not bring me down.

But at times it does. I live with alot of guilt, I feel I cost a best friend his life in Iraq. I know I didnt put the IED there, but I didnt see it... He was depending on me to spot it for him while I was the lead scout. I was in charge of the section and he was my boss...

cpsmith wrote:I feel like my life has no meaning anymore, like Im just here killing time waiting for something to happen. I feel like Im always at a state of hyper vigilance, I can become violent when I dont take mymeds. This scares me because of my young daughter. Id never hurt her but I do not want hedr seeing her daddy go off in a blind rage. Im married...sex ... I can never finish... I dont know what to do with myself or my life. I dont work, drawing a small check from the govt, filing bankruptcy, started smokin alot of pot...what the hell do I need to do with myself?

I'm sincerely sorry for your pain. After reading your posts, it's easy to understand why you feel as you do. I hope you're receiving good counseling and are perhaps a part of group therapy with other Vets. In the past, it's been healing for me to participate in group therapy.

Cpsmith, I wish, when my kids were young, I had been aware of PTSD and the inner rage and chaos it could cause. My outbursts of rage and anger were harmful to them. I wish I had felt safe enough to get help for this particular issue, to say nothing of it's correlation to PTSD.

My good thoughts will be with you and your family.

Whenever you feel your life has no meaning, remember how much your little girl and wife depend on your love--it's irreplaceable and can come from no one else.

Perhaps you are not getting enough exercise? When a person becomes a soldier, they learn to fight and kill - this is an ancient thing, and once awoken you will probably seek it out. In civilian society there are precious few outlets for primal violence - I would suggest you try hunting or martial arts? Or even other extreme sports, such as skydiving, piloting, hang gliding, or even something like motorcycling or skiing. You need to flex your "id" every once in a while - in a legal way that doesn't hurt people.

anon, I agree, thats why Ive recently started going back to the gym in addition to the wrestling. I used to enjoy deer hunting, but ow it reminds me to much of work....sitting around waiting to.....

caroline, Ive been seeing a counselor at the VA clinic, but its only about every month, in addition to the PTSD ive been diagnosed with brain bamage from a blast that I took...and yes I still like to get dropped on my head in the ring. lol I used to be in a group but not since Ive gotten out....the closest va group is an hour from me and I cant afford to drive to it weekly. They do have an inpatient checkin for a 2 month program that I ve thought about....but I dont wantr to leave my familyh or life behind.... that long

Hi cplsmith,

I've been thinking about you and your sense of guilt about the death of your good buddy.

Guilt is a natural part of our psyche. It prevents us from doing really bad things, and chastises us when we do bad things. If we don't have it, we're sociopaths.

Of course your guilt is a natural result of witnessing your close friend die when you were pointman, because you think you should have know everything about the dangers surrounding you and your squad.

It's absolutely impossible for anyone in that war to radar every IED in your path because you are a human being, and no matter how hard human beings try to be perfect, there is always something unexpected that comes our way.

You earnestly did the very best job possible, but it was impossible for you to see everything. No one could. BUT YOU DID YOUR BEST AND THAT'S THE IMPORTANT THING! I happen to believe when people pass on, they know what we're doing, how were feeling. Your friend is not thinking, "That SOB didn't see the IED and now I'm here. He's thinking, "Well done, good and faithful servant," just like God is. He knows you feel terrible, and wants you to work on being willing to release your guilt.

Thank you for the valiant service you willingly gave your country. Count yourself among our finest heros.

I'll be sending you good thoughts, son.

caroline