Just a phase or something else??

My wife and I have a son who will be six in a couple of months. Up until recently, he was an extremely expressive and loving child. By everyone's account he was exceptionally sweet and extremely thoughtful. Although he has always been careful with words, he had no trouble expressing his love for his family, particularly my wife, daughter and mother-in-law.

In the past few weeks he has taken an odd turn and has expressed to us that he doesn't think he loves us. He says that he thinks things that he shouldn't such as that he sometimes hates people and doesn't like the way we look (used words like fat). He seems to feel bad about thinking these things (he has always been someone who is hard on himself and really doesn't want to hurt feelings, but it seems as though he is worried about lying so he is being brutally honest). We tries explaining the differences between liking traits and loving people such as his family, but he claims to understand the difference and that he just feels that way.

This past week he has begun telling us that he doesn't like anything. Food, people, games, events. He won't admit to liking anything. He seems fine otherwise, he seems to be doing well in school, is thriving with his reading after struggling until December, seems to enjoy his activities, playdates, etc., but if you ask him afterwards he says he didn't like it. Or he'll say things like I don't like doing it, but I'll do it because you want me to. He has given up dessert because he says that he doesn't like desserts anymore (he would literally do anything to earn dessert prior to a week ago), but we told him he doesn't have to have it if he doesn't like it, so he has stopped having dessert even though we offer it almost every night.

It sometimes seems like a game, but he is depriving himself at times of things he likes. He frequently has a wry smile when we challenge him on whether or not he likes something that we know he does (like Mac and Cheese), but he won't give in. Tonight we challenged him a little by trying to discuss things further and we let him know that this odd communication is confusing to us and we brought up how we try hard to make him happy and we asked if he understands that and he told us that he doesn't think we try hard to make him happy.

Is this a phase? Should we be concerned? Is it just a power struggle that we are badly losing? Could something be causing this in school or elsewhere?

I think that you should take a little more time with this. You have mentioned that it's been a 'few weeks', but how much is that? If it's 3 or 4, then I say that leaving it a bit more would be best. For all we know, he could be imitating a character that he sees on the TV (one who 'enjoys' rejecting things / saying 'no') or it could be things that he's picking-up in school. Also, he shouldn't get away with calling anyone 'fat'. He isn't born with common sense, however, and it is therefore up to you and your partner to teach him what is right - and what is not - to say. In light of that, perhaps you could teach him that his current behaviour isn't acceptable. Instead of letting him choose how to behave, you have to teach him how to best behave [in society].

Just give it a try and see if anything changes.

Take care
Kevin

Thanks for the reply. In fact, he doesn't call us fat. He only told me that was one of the things that "his brain was thinking about us" that he knows is not nice, when I pressed him to tell me what kinds of things he thinks about us that he doesn't say. He knows it's not OK or nice. As I said, he is hard on himself and seems to feel bad that he has these thoughts (or at least he knows that he shouldn't express them). All of this was in the context of trying to get him to explain why he thinks he doesn't love us.

Your are suffocating him with love and expectetion to always be right, fair and good, lovely. This create in him an artificial world to which his brain has rebelled to.

Let him make some tantrums, some bad words, spontaneously (not like in the talk show therapy), let him think bad about some persons, above all dont monitor his thoughts and not make him do it.
Let him be.