What's happening to me?

I'll try to keep this short. I'm sort of new here, and I'm sure people have had it MUCH worse than me at one point or another in their lives. Somehow, I'm hesitant on posting here because in my culture, this isn't regarded as abuse. It's called disciplining your children. I have been "disciplined" for well over 7 years now. It's usually whenever I talk back to my parents or I do something they do not like. My dad beats me with a belt. Sometimes, it bruises and I have to hide it - but it's nothing horrible. I remember sometimes crying so much and feeling unbelievable hate towards them for doing that. I have this unbearable urge to leave, to just get out of there and never come back. Sometimes, I would have fantasies of me doing the same thing to them. Just me beating my father, just to make him feel what I'm feeling. But the next day, everything reverts back to "normal". I'm not a person who holds grudges.

Long story short, last year I had a boyfriend and we slept together. Big deal, huh? I didn't think so. I live in a very conservative country and well... I'm not conservative at all. Anyway, my parents found out I had been going over to my boyfriend's and they just flipped out. My dad beat the $#%^ out of me until he couldn't move his hand anymore. He was crying while doing that. Such a ridiculous and horrible picture, now that I think about it. I had never seen my father cry before. My mother took over after him. I don't remember feeling anything. Just emptiness mostly. And pain.

Ever since, I've felt a change in me. I just.. don't go out anymore. My social network has shrunk dramatically. I went from 20-25 friends to basically 2-3. I went as far as pushing most of them away. Whenever I am out, I just have this anxiety, this need to go back home and just sit there. I used to be extroverted and very social. I am now more withdrawn and reserved. I am reluctant to make new friends. I don't know what to call it, I wish I knew what was happening to me. If someone has any idea, please help.

where is it you live? You say its your culture that you are beaten like this however you say you need to hide bruises so this shows that it is not right.

Is it since the beating you took after sleeping with your boyfriend that things have change for you?

Think you need to see a professional for help.

Are you safe now or do you still live with your parents? If your not safe that must be your priority get yourself safe

I'm so sorry you've been through this. What your parents did was not right, you don't deserve that sort of treatment. You need to stay safe and seek some sort of professional help.

Thinking of you.
DJM19

I'm so saddened to read this. What country do you live in? In many jurisdictions there are laws against such punishment. This cycle of violence is already being passed on to you, and it's clear you're already suffering greatly. You need to break it. Can you talk to the police, for example?

Thank you everyone for your replies. Basically, I live in the Middle East, Lebanon to be specific. In these countries, there are no laws against parents disciplining their children. I still live with my parents, but seeing as to how I'm such a human vegetable lately, they don't have any reason to do this to me anymore. They leave me alone, and I continue being completely apathetic.

Thank you for the support. I really appreciate it.