Does this sound like Child sexual abuse?

Hi, lately I've been feeling like something happened to me as a child, but it's like the feelings are there but no memories. sometimes i'll imagine something so weird that i think i cant have made it up. Here's the story:

For a few months I guess I just have had the feeling that something bad happened to me as a child. That I was raped or molested. I feel like I'm going crazy and that these things could not possibly have happened to me, but the more I think about it the more likely it seems. i remember the first time I got fingered, the boy told me that someone else had popped my cherry? But no one ever had. I know that they can break doing a lot of things, but I just never really remember it happening. I feel very uncomfortable around my dad, and just men in general for the most part. Now my relationship with my dad, i remember, was very close when I was younger. But right when I hit 6th grade, it went downhill. I started cutting my self in 6th grade. One of the reasons was that my dad, who used to be my good friend, now seemed to hate me. everything was my fault. his failing marriage, every bad day. he'd tell me how stupid and useless and selfish i was and how i'm never gonna accomplish anything in my life and he wishes i was never born. I was always scared of him, i remember, even when we were close, but especially so after 6th grade when i started failing school. I just had this intense terror of him, that no one understands. I mean sure he's hit me, pushed me around but never enough to do any damage? he really hadn't done much to me, but i was just terrified. I'd go to all costs to avoid him getting mad, so much so that other people didn't understand but i couldn't voice the way i was scared of him. Also in a way I feel like he's going to try to touch me. Somehow during movies when my moms not there he always manages to get his hand higher and higher up my leg. i sit there scared stiff. and then he'd lay his arm over and rest it on my boobs and i just want him to leave.
Some other reasons that lead me to suspect this:
-I wont walk alone at night, for fear of being raped or kidnapped
-I dont know if this has anything to do with anything, but i remember when i was about 4 or 5 getting some kind of rash on my vagina, and having to put a cream on it for awhile.
-I started masturbating when I was about 7.
-When I was even younger, I remember looking up pornographic picture, games and movies, that I shouldn't have known about at that age.
-I used to make obscene drawings of a man and a woman having sex. I even made a whole book. One I remember was of a naked man with a naked woman behind him, holding his penis while he peed. Another was a young boy hiding under a bed with a man and a woman on top of the bed having sex. There were others, I think, of the boy being raped.
-I can distinctly remember seeing my dads penis on many occasions
-I have weird sexual fantasies that I know I don't want and I don't know why I have them and I wish they would go away. One is bestiality. I would never go to the point of actually doing anything with an animal, but when I was really young, I was looking up porn and came across some animal porn, and have been hooked ever since. I used to imagine things like an animal raping a human and I got really turned on when I would see animals with boners or watch bestiality porn.
-Another fantasy, I'm ashamed to say, is getting raped. When I was 13 I would read stories of how people got raped, especially by older men in the family, and masturbate, when I wasn't terrified and feeling depressed.
-In 2nd grade I started playing sexual games with my best friend. We would pretend one of us was a guy and one would "have sex" with the other. I'm not sure how I knew all of these things. One game I remember, one of us was a business man and one was a woman and they had to share a hotel room and in her sleep the woman would try to molest the man as he would try to get away.
-I have a huge fear of being in a room with the door open. It'll get to the point where the door is closed and locked, and I'll still get up multiple times to check if the doors closed
-I have a fascination with mental illnesses
-I've practiced self mutilation for about 6 years, since 6th grade. This includes, cutting, wrist banging. I used to take a hammer to my bones and my skin trying to get them to swell up and bruise and break. My main way of SI was cutting.
-Since I was a little kid, I've had these fantasies of being raped and beaten. By beaten I mean black eyes, broken bones, being thrown to the ground and hit with a metal baseball bat.
-I have a weird fascination with pregnancy, and have had fantasies about being impregnated by my rapist
-I have reoccurring dreams about being pregnant
-During sex, I cannot get an orgasm, I have a very high sex drive, but once I'm having sex, it's like there's always something on the back of my mind, something terrifying and I can't remember after it's over, but it freaks me out
- After sex i always feel self conscious, the need to cover my body, and I feel unsatisfied and dirty
-I like rough sex, biting scratching, tied down. I feel like it doesn't feel like too much unless it's rough.
-When I'm having sex I sometimes feel detached to my body, like I can't make any sound, and I'm scared sometimes
-Sometimes, I can't think of why, but I cry during sex. I almost never cry at all, and I can't identify the feelings that are making me feel like crying.

Well i guess that's all I can think of right now. The other night, I had this half dream, half awake state of mind in the middle of the night. I can't tell if I imagined this or what, but i had this video king of thing playing in my mind and it was me on my couch with my dad and he had my arms tied behind my back and my face down on the couch and he was raping me. and i could feel everything, the way the rope felt around my wrists, to the texture of the couch on my cheek.

I just really want to know what's happening to me, am I just reading into these feels too far, or are my suspicions right? I know to really find out I need to remember, and talk to a therapist or something, but I just want an opinion before I do something stupid. Suppose nothing ever happened with my dad? Then I would be truly crazy. And everyone in my family would know it too. I guess just please write me your opinions. I need someone I can talk to about this, maybe reassurance. It's the worst not remembering, always second guessing yourself Well thanks, and stay strong guys.

-S

Hey,

I appreciate that you are very worried about this.. it's understandable. You don't know if sexual abuse ever happened, and therefore I'm thinking that it's more likely that the physical abuse is the main cause of what's been going on. Physical abuse and a general 'fear' of your father could cause your fear of walking alone at night, and your fear of men.

I just want to mention a few other things too, just so that you don't get overly worried about sexual abuse that might not have happened:

- Having your cherry 'popped' can occur without anyone else but yourself being involved (for example by masturbating). I think it's a reference to the hymen breaking, which is a soft-tissue barrier inside the vagina at the entrance to the womb. In some cultures, a sign that a woman was a virgin was that blood would appear when she had sex with her new husband due to the hymen breaking. However, it can break for other reasons.

- In addition, having sexual fantasies at a young age happens in some people. People just mature at different ages, and I also wouldn't worry about the types of sexual fantasies that you have. I have had some strange ones in my youth, but I recognise now that they were due to my high libido (ex drive).

- Final two things: remembering seeing your father's penis could have happened in an innocent way. Some parents feel comfortable undressing around their young children. I remember seeing my father's penis too, and my mother's breasts. In fact, i've seen the private parts of everyone in my family on some occasion. The rash? - These things just happen as we age. our bodies encounter different microorganism infections, but then we overcome them as our immune system adapts/becomes stronger.

So, overall, I think that you could continue worrying about something that might never have happened, but if there's no strong evidence of it, then it might just do you damage (mentally) in the long term. What's clear is that your father has physically abused you, but maybe never sexually. Unfortunately, without clear memory, there's not a way to know. Still, abuse is abuse and the physical abuse should never have happened. I think that you should try your best to just avoid being near him and perhaps ensure that there is always someone else around when he's there. Not all men are bad, but bad ones like him give us good guys a bad name.

Kevin

Hi, angelchick55! It sounds like you have a lot going on. The stuff you're describing could have been created by sexual abuse, we couldn't tell you for sure. Your father touching your thigh or your breasts or exposing himself to you is definitely wrong and abuse on its own. You should talk to a therapist and figure this out. Why would your family have to find out? Is there any way you could be away from him and not have to be around him anymore?

I would think that your mind is playing tricks on you and that never happened.
All the things you mention are not evidence that you where molested.

To me, all the abuse you suffer and the sexual fantasies you have, are making you imagine that you where raped.

I am not sure how other people can answer the way they did. There is a huge problem of "magical thinking" or groupthink denial going on.
Just thinking something didn't/doesn't happen won't make it go away.

There is a huge amount of undisclosed abuse going on and til society faces this fact there will be no solution. Look at Sandusky, priests, boy scout leaders, etc

My sexual abuse was "discovered" in a similar way. I felt something was wrong; that something happened when I was younger and kept on digging for memories. I don't believe in all the false memory theory crap.

Clearly a dad touching a daughters thigh/boobs is sexual abuse even if it goes no farther.

Talk to your therapist

It does sound like some sort of sexual abuse happened. Touching you during the movies is very very inappropriate and abusive. I don't understand how some other posters on here can just say nothing happened. If your gut instincts tell you that something happened, then something probably did happen and it is something you should explore further maybe with a therapist?

Obscene drawings is a big red flag, especially if you drew them at a young age. Most children do not know what sex is.
It does sound like the dream you had was some sort of flashback?

Don't second guess yourself. The worst thing you can do is start believing that you are crazy. It is always easier to pretend nothing happened than it is to face the truth.

I don't think you're crazy. I know there are events in my past that remain behind a mental preservation wall in my mind, yet emerge to cause instinctive responses in circumstances recreating my abuse.

These actions create embarrassment for myself when other responses are expected. Which in turn creates self doubt. And those who know me consider me crazy.

Often what caused my response is undefinable at the time, but the cause is usually a memory. Something I have to accept without trying to second guess myself.

If you want someone to talk to, totally unconnected with your location, why not select someone who visits this forum page?

On one hand....It might take longer to come to an answer.
On the other hand... most people who post here have some experience with abuse. Therefore being considered crazy is unlikely, and acceptance likely.

Alas I can't suggest who you should try talking to here.