Room full of people told me I acted like I had been abused

This happened in 2003. I'm currently 29. It was a drug rehab program, and in the room was a liscensed psychiatrist. She and everyone in the room basically told me one day that I acted very much as though I had been abused as a child. She wasn't my rehab-appointed counselor, who also asked me repeatedly about my personal past abuse. At NO time did I EVER volunteer anything about such topics.

Thing is, at the time I hotly denied it. Now I am a jumbled mass of confusion. I remember details of my childhood, and some details make me uncomfortable now as an adult. Certain behaviors from adults were inappropriate and questionable but not overtly sexual. At the time, I thought it was annoying things adults sometimes did, now I think maybe different.

As a young child I was gifted, athletic, and social. From about the age of 10 on I've steadily degenerated to a terrible state. I struggle with relationships, shunning everyone around me. I do fine at work, but am not ambitious and just spent the past 4 years with an employer who abused my time and skills. I haven't really had a very healthy opposite-sex relationship, living with a girl for two years I knew had lied to me to get me to be her girlfriend was the closest I got. Also, I had difficulty learning to poop. Instead of going to a bathroom, I would sit down, using the pressure of my legs to hold it in, which would usually fail and I'd go clean up a mess. This continued until I was about 12.

The absolute hardest thing at this moment is that I'm completely broke, have no friends I trust, no family I trust. can't get professional help because I can't pay for it, and turning to my family is not an option. I'm about to get kicked out of my apartment and the best I can do is to move back with my parents...the very people I've been trying to heal from all this time. I think my father the culprit and believe my mother knows and has been hiding it.

How do I know my memories are abuse? If they are and my family disagrees with me, what then? How am I supposed to live the life a sick person and the people I care most about, who may have caused it, vehemently deny wrongdoing, even going to the point of saying that I'm trying to find something to blame?

I did confront my mother briefly, and only once. I only read that email once but she and I haven't really talked much since.

I think she developed a sort of fantasy surrounding me. She attributes features to me that I don't have. My first stick of deoderant was Teen Spirit: sensitive skin because she said I had sensitive skin (not true). She and my dad tell me, and others, that I am musically talented, but I don't play any instruments. She wouldn't let me play flag football as a child because I'd get hurt. Three years later she let my younger brother play tackle football at the same age I was when I asked.

Can someone please shed light on my situation? I feel as though I've been living the life of someone who was abused. Is there more information needed? I didn't plan on going into specifics of the physical side of things but there was touching involved that I don't believe (as an adult) to be appropriate. It wasn't overtly sexual but I did ask for it to stop and it didn't. It went on for years like that in fact.

Also consistent was the blaming coming from my parents towards me. That's been my parents' default position for years. I have acted up, of course, but more than anything I remember their anger when I was a child. In fact, I remember anger more than affection throughout my childhood. At one point my parents forgot my 9th birthday and I had to beg them to invite my friends over for a day. I even cried "no cake or presents, just let them come over".

I have two siblings who don't seem to feel the way I do about my parents. They are 3 and 6 years younger than me. I feel like I am starting to hate my parents, which is making me feel very lonely because they and my brother and sister are the only people left in my life. It feels like I'm betraying them. Still, the feeling that I was abused persists. HELP! What do I do?

Hi Calaf,

I too was told odd things about me by my parents that weren't true. It may seem strange to consider things like that abuse, because we tend to think of abuse as being physical or sexual. But as you no doubt know, it can be very confusing and upsetting to be told things that don't make sense by your parents.

I wonder if your parents may have trouble seeing you as you are. Perhaps they do not really recognise you as your own person, with your own likes and dislikes, and your own abilities? For example, I can't help but think it may be your mother who has sensitive skin. She may not be able to see beyond herself, and merely assumes that you are the same as she is (or the same as she wants to be.)

Have you read much about narcissistic parents? I may be pointing you in the wrong direction, but you may find your parents (or maybe just one of them) has narcissistic traits.


I would try to avoid moving back with your parents, at least at this time. What are your other options?

Calaf wrote:If they are and my family disagrees with me, what then? How am I supposed to live the life a sick person and the people I care most about, who may have caused it, vehemently deny wrongdoing, even going to the point of saying that I'm trying to find something to blame?

I think it's unlikely your family will agree with you on this point. Realistically, how many parents are going to say "Yes, you're right; we abused you."

Ideally, you could keep some distance whilst you gain an understanding of the role everyone played in your childhood. Then, when you know how people have hurt your or 'pushed your buttons', you will know how to protect yourself, or at the very least what to avoid.

I took plenty of time off from my family. Now if I ever see them, it's like being part of a pantomime. I act the caring daughter, but inside I'm cringing at the way we're all behaving. I now can see through my parents' manipulative or abusive comments, and instead of being hurt by them, I just think how sad for them that they cannot have a healthy relationship with their children and don't even know who I am.

If you cannot take time away to heal, I would try to maintain as much independence as possible. Don't rely on your family to look after you - act the role of an adult, not a child. (This may help maintain your self-esteem, and may also limit the power they have over you.) Keep-up with your job, and try to save some money so you can move into your own place later.

Unless you know exactly what you want to say and why, I would avoid confrontation with any family members about childhood issues. Instead, observe the way you all interact together, and see if you can make sense of things. Read-up about dysfunctional families, and maybe ask questions here. You may find answers that will liberate you from the negative ways you were taught to think about yourself. Once you recognise the abusive relationships (including family relationships) you've had in the past, you may be able to avoid them in the future and learn how to relate to people in a healthy way.

Other people here may have different suggestions or advice, depending on their experiences and what has worked well for them when dealing with toxic or ‘difficult’ family members. So don’t be afraid to keep asking questions. If you can’t afford professional help, at least this is free.

Platypus wrote:I took plenty of time off from my family. Now if I ever see them, it's like being part of a pantomime. I act the caring daughter, but inside I'm cringing at the way we're all behaving. I now can see through my parents' manipulative or abusive comments, and instead of being hurt by them, I just think how sad for them that they cannot have a healthy relationship with their children and don't even know who I am.

Other people here may have different suggestions or advice, depending on their experiences and what has worked well for them when dealing with toxic or ‘difficult’ family members. So don’t be afraid to keep asking questions. If you can’t afford professional help, at least this is free.

Thank you, I was feeling stressed and you helped.

I can relate to the feeling that I'm acting out my part at family gatherings. I've felt like we're all so caught up in our act we forget to get to know one another. I don't know my parents well (I barely know their birthdays, likes/dislikes, stories about their childhood, their families) so it shouldn't surprise me they don't know me well either.

Maybe I'm trying to find something BIG and dark in my past, when the reality is that it was more like wisps of shadows dancing about my life. Instead of being raped or beaten, I experienced a long series of negativity. The wisps kinda clung to me and now they need to get washed off somehow. I'm still feeling "shadowed" as it were because I never really addressed any of this stuff.

If you were touched in a way you didn’t like, and asked for it to stop but it didn’t, I think most people would consider that abuse.

The fact that your birthday was forgotten is very sad. It sounds like you were neglected in some ways. Perhaps your parents were very self-absorbed people, who could forget about their children’s needs. Maybe they didn’t like letting you take attention away from them, as you probably would if you were the birthday girl. Or maybe they were unreliable and unpredictable, like alcoholics?

Calaf wrote:I feel like I am starting to hate my parents, which is making me feel very lonely because they and my brother and sister are the only people left in my life. It feels like I'm betraying them.

Why are you worried about betraying them? Do you have a responsibility to continue playing the role that you have been allocated? Or are you allowed to be the person you want to be?

Remember that you do not have to live for your parents. You can live as you choose, which could mean turning your back on them and everything they value if you want.

Calaf wrote:Maybe I'm trying to find something BIG and dark in my past, when the reality is that it was more like wisps of shadows dancing about my life. Instead of being raped or beaten, I experienced a long series of negativity.

I understand what you mean. In some ways it would seem easier if you could just say "I was raped", because if something like that happened it would be simpler to explain why things are not okay now. Most people accept that being raped would be a very traumatic experience, and that a victim would likely need help or therapy. Emotional or verbal abuse is harder to explain and substantiate. It is hard to know for sure if it really happened, and if it really constituted abuse. (Especially if your parents deny ever doing/saying things you remember them doing, and tell you that you are merely looking for excuses.)

I also think a "long series of negativity" can actually be more damaging to a child than one traumatic experience. If there is one extremely abusive incident, my guess is that the child would know that the abuse was wrong, as it would stand-out from the rest of their day-to-day experiences. Whereas if the abuse was mild but constant, the child may think such abuse is normal, and that it even constitutes "love" or is a normal/healthy pattern of human relationships.

So don't think that you didn't suffer, even if nobody else can see that you did. You may need to be a 'good parent' to yourself now, and look after yourself in a way that your parents did not when you were young. Hating your parents may be part of the journey you have tto take. You may come to forgive them in time, but I would not censor your emotions or judgements now. Make healing yourself your first priority.