Newbie needing advice please (sorry its a long post)

Hi all, just registered here today. I dont know if I am posting this in the right area so apologies if this is not the right place to post - I am just after some advice/feedback.

Ok, I am going to try and keep this as simple as possible. My childhood was not the best one, I had a Mum with a bad temper and a Dad with an awful temper and a tendancy to hit out with violence. He was never violent to my Mum, quite the opposite - he idolised her and treated her like a princess except for a few arguments they had where doors were punched into and things thrown, once my Mum actually threatened to kill my Dad and I was so sure she would do it that I walked out of the house for fear of seeing my Dad get killed. My Mum was violent but never as much as my Dad, it was like he would have a switch @!@@@! and he would just go nuts. At the same time my Mum was emotionally abusive to my Dad and at times I felt sorry for him. I was always scared when my Dad was home, worried that he was just going to get in a grump over something and flip out at us. I have 2 Sisters and they had the same, well I would say my older Sister had it worse but she was completely rebelious and so I took on the role of the one that tried to make my parents proud (dumb idea that was!!). So things were not too happy, I used to pray that I would find a secret birth certificate and find out I was adopted or that someone would just come and save me and take me away - that never happened. I dont think my issues were so much with a smacked bottom, more things like if we were arguing we would be pulled up by our hair and our heads hit together hard or being picked up using his hand around your throat. I shouted over to a neighbour in the garden once while my dad was looking after me (my mum was out with my sisters) and because I shouted loud and disturbed his television watching, he hit me so hard I had a hand shaped bruise, I was only around 6 at the time. I just thought maybe I would understand it when I was an adult or when I became a parent - but I understand their behaviour even less! I could never act like that towards another human being.

A couple other things happened, I moved out at 17 into my boyfriends parents (now my Husband) and when I was 19 I was at my parents for the night and because I was having an argument with my Mum, nothing heated, he pulled me into another room (everyone thought he was just talking to me) and he beat me up. Also I had a car accident at 10 and as the accident was the drivers fault, my parents took action and I was awarded £4000 which my parents took and spent - promised to pay it back and never did.

So, my parents split a couple years ago and I had it out as much as I could with my Mum, told her how I felt and tried to understand her side of things - why she never stopped it, why she was the way she was. I dont think it would ever make it acceptable but she explained things how she could and we are trying to have a relationship now and it is ok. I am still angry about things but I have agreed to leave the past in the past. My issue is that I cannot do the same with my Dad - I sent him an email telling him how my childhood was from my point of view and asking for answers, the same as I done with my Mum, and he sent me a one line response telling me to go **** myself! Charming eh! So for a while I just wanted to do something that would hurt him, not physically of course - his biggest love is first himself and second money, so I thought about it and came to the conclusion that it is not worth my time worrying about him and no longer have contact with him.

Everything has been fine but lately I am just feeling so angry about my Dad, the way he handled everything and the way he doesnt seem to care about anyone except himself. I do feel like he treated me and my sisters in such an awful way and he just got away with acting like that and it makes me so angry, I do almost feel like I want some kind of revenge. Has anyone else experienced this and have you ever found a way to stop that feeling? I just dont want to spend any more of my life worrying about him but I just cant put it to the back of my mind.

My other issue is that I feel like I start to talk about it with my Hubby or my Sister, and then I feel like maybe I am making a big fuss about nothing. I think maybe my childhood was a normal one and I am dramatizing something that I shouldnt be. My Husband saw how my parents were and we were together when my Dad beat me up (even writing that feels odd, its like I dont want to make it worse than it is but that is what happened) and he says I am not making a drama out of things but I still think, am I just getting bothered about nothing. I think what makes it worse is that my Sister doesnt seem to have these hang ups and I think if she has just brushed it aside then I should be able to.

I have a young daughter who is just a treasure, she is the most adorable little thing and she is 3, very smart and can be cheeky. Lately we are finding that she is trying to push her boundaries more and more, the problem is that I never want her to have anywhere near the childhood that I had so I end up over compensating by being far too soft, I know I shouldnt be so soft but I just think I would rather be too soft than too tough and my hubby balances things out by being the mean parent that has to put her in timeout when she is misbehaving because I just see her little eyes filling up with tears and I dont want to upset her! I cannot take her to bed at night because she knows that I am so soft, she will be able to stay up but if her dad takes her to bed she will go to bed brilliantly. I just want to be a good parent and bring her up as best as I can, but I worry that being too soft could be just as much of an issue as too tough. I dont like shouting, would never do what my Mum did which was to call us awful names and tell us we were useless etc. and I never have even considered hitting her because I just couldnt after the way my parents were. I dont think my daughter is bad behaved at all, I just think she knows my weaknesses and plays on that and she definately knows that I am the soft one!

If anyone can give me advice on either thing then I would appreciate it, I just want to spend my time on living and not worrying about this anymore.

Hi, mummytoone! You are not making a big deal out of nothing, your father was very abusive and your mother was abusive too. It doesn't sound like you'll be able to get through to your dad... Some people just don't have it in them to understand and change. Your sister might be bottling things up or maybe she's in denial or has found a way to release those bad feelings. What do you think might happen if you discipline your daughter? Are you scared that you might hurt her or that you might turn abusive too? There's no chance that you'll lose your self control like that, is there? Maybe you could have an agreement with your husband to let you be a little strict with her too, so that you can "borrow" a little of what he was going to do any way. Maybe if you guys would talk about it in advance it would make you feel like you have more control over the situation. What do you think?