Long story, short, about my life

I was crying reading through your stories. I was also abused but I think what makes me hurt so much is that I was abused by my mom emotionely and beaten, molested by 4 diffrent men until age 14, bullied in school due to undiagnosed dislexia, was druged & raped by 3 boys at the age of 16 resulting in getting pregnant but had a miscarriage at 16 weeks, I became premescous and fell pregnant at 18 not know who the dad is, she drowned at the age of 17months. At the age of 21 my parents still controlled my life, but when I met my husband and my mom told me she'll make sure nobody ever wants me I had enough and ran away to my boyfriend now husband. I have tried to kill myself 6 times before the age of 25. I have been told by ppl to just get over it but you carry these things with you for the rest of your life. I'm now 31 have 3 beautiful children, have contact with both parent but still get nightmare about my past when I sleep. Even today my mom still proves that she loves my 3 sibiling with all her heart but don't really care about me. The only reason I stick around my family is because of my dad, his not always a good father but I KNOW that he REALLY loves me. Sometimes I just wish I could just die, even if I have beautiful children and loving husband though he doesn't really understand what I go through, they are the ONLY thing that keeps me going. I know I'm strong sometimes I don't want to be strong any more I just want to be weak and be protected, I'm exsuasted. The reason I found this forum is cause I need ppl to just understand my pain once in my life.
If I go into detail about all I think I will full a whole book telling my story mentioning everthing that had a impact on me. pls forgive if my post is hard to read and/or to understand due to spelling and grammar.

Sphinx, you have mentioned a lot in your short post, and I thank you for that. To be told by people to just 'get on with it' isn't the most effective way of getting through something, but there is still some amount of value in these words. Getting on with it - in a controlled way - is ideal. However, you need to make some adjustments before that can happen. For example, learning to live with the painful memories and not shying away from them. Considering that you're here posting about all of this right now, it's obvious that you are not shying away from them.

In what way is your husaband not the greatest? Are you sure you can be 'happy' with him?

What more ... ye, you mentioned that you could write a whole story about this. Well, why don't you? Look at books out there... the best are the ones written by sufferers of illnesses. books written by doctors are not quite good because they simply fail to 'connect' to the reader. There is a lot to be said about having first-hand experience of an illness and then helping those who are going through it. Right now, there is a wealth of knowledge in relation to abuse in your head, and you can shar that to help others. remember that.

There is hope in this life for you, much hope. you can be a great person.

Kevin

I did not men that my husband is not the greatest, he just doesn't aways understand how to handle certain situations as he had a "normal" live. He's a good husband and really loves me as do I love him, in my heart his my hero. He is the only person in the world I have ever trusted enough to tell him about my past while being face to face. He does not judge me though I jugde myself.

I understand what you mean by moving on, and in someways it's true and ppl my think I'm crazy but I have forgiven my molesters and even told that to onn of them. I did it for me not for them. But some night I will wake up and be that 9yr old girl all over again, and I don't wanna go back there, ever. Part of me is here to find the path of moving on.

The only reason I have never started writting my story is fear of failure. Right now I don't think I'm strong enough to fail. Even here I find it hard to comunicate.

It's a sign of having moved on when you can actualy forgive those who have hurt you. i shows that you have learned from the situation too, but what can be learned from it might not be that much.

Kevin