Hi I'm new

Hi,

I have just joined up as I feel that this is something that I need to recognise, understand and try to deal with before it ruins my life anymore than it has.

I'm 32 and recently I have had to move back into the parental home because my flat is several hundred miles away and I can't sell it at the moment and I'm in a bit of debt that I need to pay before I can afford to rent here and keep my mortgage going at the same time.

Being back in this environment is hard as it is bringing back memories. Only my dad is here now, he is 70 and over the years our relationship has been purely on the surface. We make sure each other is financially ok and that is it, not much other communication.

When I was a child my mum suffered from depression. She had a violent upbringing, much like my dad. My mum was dragged to the local priest for having girls magazine in the 1950's, and my dad used to be stood on by my other gran whilst wearing her high heels and hanging on to the back of a chair.

Growing up, my mum used to go mad at me if I used to break things, accidentally or on purpose. I would lock myself in the bathroom for hours. When I got older, she told me I was ugly, that I had no personality, that I was spotty and my hair was greasy. When I was 15 a friend (my only friend) called to invite me out to the shops. My mum grabbed the phone from me and yelled at her that I was going to the shops with her and slammed the phone down.

I was never allowed friends. My mum used to bad mouth them and didn't allow me to go to the school discos, instead I was to stay with her and keep her company whilst my dad was at work.

I used to be terrified, always on alert when her voice changed. I don't remember much of it but remember being hit and being scared.

My dad said he didn't know what was going on but I am sure he did. I feel very resentful towards him now and find it hard to be in the same room as him for any length of time.

My relationships with people have suffered. I'm always defensive and overreact with my temper, I'm scared when they do something I don't like, as if it is an attack against me, and am scared of people. It is like a hairdryer, I do not have the cut-out mechanism when it overheats, I just keep going until I explode and repel people, including my ex boyfriend. He said he had never seen anyone behave the way I did, but when he did things to me I didn't like, I would explode, and sometimes he would hit me.

Was I abused? I think I might have been. All I know is I'm just not successful with people. People mostly seem to like me on the surface, but when it comes to the cracks that appear over time, I just can't sustain things.

I should say I've always felt there was something missing from me, an inability to be like other people, I don't know, maybe there is something missing. Something that stops me having lots of friends, getting married, having my own family.