A little of my story

So I have been recently struggling with a couple things.

I was abused as a kid, and actually had DFS involved more than once.

I never got taken out of the home. And I am now 21.

I guess the thing that is really getting to me lately is the fact that I will always have to have these people who don't even love me be my parents.

What should I do to cheer myself up about it?

I just hate going to bed every night realizing I'll never have a different family.

These people that hate me will always be my family.

It's extremely hard for me to think of that...Especially when I hear about kids who didn't have it as bad as I did actually getting a different family.

Angelluv, they will always be your parents, but you can learn to keep a safe distance from them for the rest of your life (i.e. - you don't have to associate with them at all if you don't want to). Surely you can grasp some optimism from that thought? There are many people who don't get along with their parents. The ideal scenario would be to maintain a good relationship with them. However, it simply just doesn't work out for everyone.

What do you think?

I have thought about totally cutting them out of my life once I move out. But the bad thing is, I have a job in the hometown I live in, that I really love. And my house that I will be moving in will be closer to my job than this one.

The bad thing is, my hometown is a really small hometown, and the house I will live in is easy to find. And I'd say it's about a five minute drive to my house from my parents house...

But I don't want to quit my job to move farther from them...and it was extremely hard to get the house that I should be getting in December.

Also the bad thing about cutting them out of my life and keeping my distance is the fact that my sister, who I raised, will probably end up being told that she is not allowed to associate with me...

Thats the biggest problem right now.

Angelluv, I think you need to go and speak to someone professionally, i'm also sure it will be quite difficult to cut ties with your family, what they did to you was wrong... But if you are moving out that is great, but please seek some help if you are able.

I'm currently in the process of finding someone to talk to.

I've just had such bad luck with counselors. I've had like 10 counselors in 6 years.

I have actually, for a year, gave up on trying to get help.

It's hard to actually believe that something that hasn't worked for 6 years is going to work.

Hi Angelluv, we can choose our friends but we can't choose our family.

The idea of the counselling sounds promising. I'm not wondering if perhaps you can't rephrase your abusive experiences. Rather than saying to yourself, "My parents hate me." which is internalising your experiences because what it is really saying is, "I must be a really bad and hateful person for my parents to have treated me like they did."

But this is not true. They abused you and it was not your fault. You were powerless to stop it. They didn't abuse you because of who YOU are, they abused you because of the defective people THEY are.

They were responsible for the treatment they gave you. You weren't and aren't responsible for how they treated you as a child. You had no choice. You didn't ask to be born to parents that have unresolved issues and unfinished business, and then cruelly and inexusably took it out on an innocent child.

They were WRONG for having done that.

Instead of thinking about cutting them out of your life, think about weaning them out. Moving out to a house close by is the first step, your job is a good step. Sometimes these things happen in stages. There are many self-help books out there. A number of books now have been published that offer assistance to adult children of abused parents. Nina Brown as written one called, Children of the Self-Absorbed....it may not be the exact book for your circumstances, but it may be a starting point.

And sometimes we have this innate ability to constantly give the power of hurting ourselves to our parents. Don't give them that power by going to bed at night feeling really depressed because your parents are incapable of showing love.

The important thing is that you don't hate yourself (you have probably been programmed to think that way though), and that you can love yourself and that you are loveable. Professional guidance should be able to help you with this.

Take care, and I know where you are coming from at age 21, I was there too.....that was a number of years ago, and I had to cut my family from my life for about 15 years to survive their treacherous influences and destructive ways. (back then DFS didn't even exist!)

Thank you so much shivers. I can tell you do understand where I'm coming from, and I'm also going to try that thing where I don't go to bed depressed because my parents never loved me.

It is hard though, especially while I'm living with them, to believe it's not my fault. Because it's always been that if I ask them about something, they will totally change the whole thing around and make it out to be my fault.

I am trying so hard, and I have gotten some self-help books about it. (I've hid them in my car so my parents wouldn't see them)

I am reading: The emotionally abused women, Overcoming the pain, and The Abused Adult.

They all have been really helpful to me in explaining some of the things I do. Which is something I never thought about. So now I know that it really was abuse, not just me blowing things out of proportion.

Hi again, you won't find anybody disagreeing with you about it being difficult.

When you've lived your life thus far being told that everything that you do is your fault, it's easy to be programmed to think that it's deserved and that we're faulty somehow.

However, you can be sure that almost all of your actions, thoughts and behaviours have come about because of the environment you live in. You are surviving as best you can in adverse conditions.

Keep on reading, move out, lessen contact, enjoy your job, read some more and keep positive. You do have the strength within you to reclaim yourself and become positive. Some professional assistance won't go astray either. If you can't get out of the depressed thoughts, go see your Doctor.

Yeah, well as one of my friends put it. I need to get a counselor so all the stuff my parents beat into my head can be beat back out of my head.

I just don't trust very good at all.

I never have told anybody everything, just the things I think they can actually help me with.

So yeah, I will definitely keep reading and looking for some more self-help books on all the other things going on.

Hey, Angelluv! Yes, you deserve a different family, but you can find one. I think of the firends that I made here as my family and we help eachother get by. I'm still living with my parents and it's not as bad as it is for others, but it isn't easy either.
You can talk about it here or PM me if you feel like it and it will help.
You deserve to know that your feelings and thoughts matter and you're not alone.