Telling Mum about abuse from Dad after 20years!

I won't go through my whole story, but basically I was treated badly by my Dad from the age of 11 until I left home at 15. My Mum was witness to some of his bad behaviour towards me but it was nothing to what went on when it was just me and him in the house. If I told her things that had happened, Dad would always deny it. In time I learned that Mum would always take his side, having been convinced by him that I was an unruly teenager. I soon gave up talking to Mum about it all and believed there must be something wrong with me.

I'm now 20 years on and still cursed with anger towards my Dad, not just for his actions, but also for the deceit he created in making Mum distrust me. I love Mum so much that I have managed to maintain a civil relationship with Dad for her sake.

Three months ago I began one-to-one counselling to work through my abuse. It was a hard step to take but has been a saving experience for me. It has opened my eyes to so many things and made me realise how it has all affected my life in such a negative way.

However, something I have realised is that I'm sick of Mum trying to force a relationship with me and Dad when I don't want it. I want to tell her about things that went on all those years ago and explain that I don't want any kind of relationship with him now. It is my hope that I can release all this anger once things are out in the open.

The thing is I'm so terrified of what will happen when I tell her. Will she believe me and if she does will it cause problems for her and Dad. What will be her reaction to me and will it make our relationship worse. I feel I may be starting a cycle of events that could cause more problems. I desperately want her to be happy, but feel I have protected her in my silence and sacrificed my own happiness. Is it too selfish of me to be bringing up the past after all these years. My parents do not live near me, so I plan to tell her by letter with maybe a warning phone call.

Has anyone been in this situation. I would so appreciate hearing from anyone who has? Was the outcome positive and did it help them deal with all the negative feelings they had? Or did they end up wishing they hadn't.

Thankyou in advance for any advice.

Can't believe I found this forum. It's like a breath of fresh air to read that my feelings are shared by others in similar situations.

Hi, K8ey! Welcome to the forum. I haven't had to confront my parents/family yet, but I know it's a very scary thought. Maybe you could talk to her face to face and not tell her in a letter. I guess you could write down all the things you need to tell her and then try to see her.
You souldn't have to be civil to your dad or have any contact with him at all, becouse he hurt you. You shouldn't have to keep quiet and sacrifice your happiness and peace of mind.
If you need this I think you should go for it and do your best to get through to your mom. It would probably be a good idea to have someone you trust close to you for support. Don't feel broken if she can't accept what you tell her or if she doesn't seem to understand. It does not take away all the progress you have made in your life and you deserve to be happy.

Thanks Jasmin, I have gone ahead and told my Mum. She is very upset as you can imagine and was totally unaware of a lot of the abuse that took place when she wasn't around. I feel guilty for causing her this pain and everything is so confusing at the moment.

Despite all this, I know things will eventually calm down and I feel like a big weight has been lifted from me. I can now break the links with my Dad without losing the support of my Mum. It is so liberating to not be living a lie anymore!

Thankyou for your words of wisdom and encouragement to take this path!

I'm so happy for you, ((((((((((K8ey)))))))))) At least you're free now and you won't have to keep secrets or see your dad any more. Your mom will feel better when she sees that you're happyer.