what a pathetic life

all my life i have craved for validation, attention from others. a beggar of validation. mom was always strict. she would scold us for stuff as using the toilet.
it was madness
she has blurted that one must manipulate n emotional blackmail others.

recently we went to a wedding, where mom's childish expression made me feel sad for her. and also for myself. that i got such a family.
at wedding i had eaten my share n didnt want to eat more
mom: go eat some icecream
me: no i'm full
mom: so what?
it was beyond my capacity to argue with her. n this is how it has always been. whenever i go from home to my work city, she packs loads of foods which i dont want (i'm trying to reduce weight)
mom: if you want you can throw it over there /you always throw tantrum when taking snacks. see how your brother takes stuff quietly.

yeah mom. i always took stuff quietly. was quiet when cousin abused me. was quiet when neighbors mocked me. was quiet when i was dead tired n still you wanted to go to mall every weekend.

mom: you will do drama of not wanting food but in the end you will take it.

yeah mom, what option do i have. should i throw it away.

once she gave me so many sweets, i ended up distributing them to office janitors and security to get rid of them.

earlier years ago when we went to see a movie. she would have a childhish excitement when watching the movie.
it was a sad sight. so naive. one therapist said all these years you have been parenting your mom instead of the other way around.

people dont understand. this family atmosphere gave me a hero syndrome. always looking after others. wanting to save others. my tolerance of abuse was so high, i would always let others walk over me.

i dont have any fight left in me. i just wait for this life to end. i dont want to see any positive side. let those comments come from those who havent had such experiences.

but i dont want to cheer up or be the one who sets firm boundaries. the onus should not be on the child to set firm boundaries against the parent.

thats like saying the cub must be able to stand up to the lion or the fledgling must be able to stand up to the eagle.

i just want this life to end now.

Hi, I'm sorry to hear everything you've gone through as I've always believe no child should ever endure abuse and neglect. I'm very much against child and animal abuse, my absolute 2 weaknesses in life. I can't stand everything around it. People shouldn't have children if they can't absolutely love and care for them unconditionally. I'm really sorry that you endured so much pain in your childhood. It breaks my heart, as I know several people in my own life who have endure such or worse.

You say that you don't want to feel better or do anything to feel better. Why would you want to continue living in misery? It's not fun and you can change your life around if you really want to. A lot of people in your shoes feel as if they can't change anything and are constantly stuck in this negative loophole, but it absolutely can be changed! You just have to want that change bad enough for yourself, and believe in it. It's important for yourself as you deserve a happy and good life with everything that life has to offer you! You just have to believe in yourself to want to see your life in a different perspective. Change doesn't happen overnight, as it takes time, patience, dedication, and commitment. It'll be well worth it later on for you. I hope things get better and wishing you well.

its all ruined. my entire life is gone down the drain
thanks to mom n her sermons: oh wont you do it for me?!
oh wont you hang out with your cousin for my sake?!
always manipulating, always giving silent treatment... i hate her. i wish i had other parents. not her. i dont want her again in any of next birth. all her brainwashing, manipulation, silent treatment... just she ruined my mind completely.

I feel for you, as it's awful. Can you do anything for yourself to distance yourself from it? Can you ignore her and feel okay by doing so? Can you get away from her? I have family like this and know all too well about this type of behavior. My sister is like this and I just ignore her, which infuriates her more and I simply don't care. I know what she's doing and why she's doing it. So, I choose to not engage at all. Is there any way that you can distance yourself or disengage with her all together? I hope things get better as you don't deserve that. I know all too well about this type of behavior with family and friends in my own life, and it's super sad. I can't stand it. Despise it.

dad passed away years ago. i hang out with her only out of pity for herself and because some last piece of my soul feels with her.
i dont live with her. just visit once every 2-3 months for a week.
she broke all my defenses. made me vulnerable to narcissistic friendships, abusive relationships, raised my tolerance level so high that it was ok for me to be treated like $#%^.
i took $#%^ from everyone my entire life. stupid hero syndrome.
i just hate the fact that i had been babysitting her my entire life. all college life, office life i took $#%^ from entire world. i was the doormat n the worst part is i was ok with being it.

Learn some boundaries and stop being okay with this behavior.

i feel so numb. recalling everytime i was humiliated. i wish i was never born.

each day is a living hell. the memories of abuse never go. why did I have to like the sexual touch n seek it.
it's a curse. it made me susceptible to always being fooled/mocked.a prey for narcissistic folks. I hate this life.