My experiences with my violent mother and possible effects

Hello, this is something I thought would be worth sharing as it might help myself and others who went through similar experiences to make sense of things better.

I am currently 23, male, chiming in from Asia. I've been officially diagnosed with bipolar disorder, but I also struggle greatly with OCD, and my most prominent issue is aggresive thoughts and urges - which I can keep under check for the most part. Lately I've been looking into my life experiences and trying to figure out how it might have affected me.

A helpful psychiatrist (whom I had the misfortune of being able to see only once) speculated that growing up witnessing domestic violence (DV) might be a root for my aggressive tendencies. I didn't think much of it and continued to follow the prescription of the next psychiatrist. But lately I've been looking through my experiences from childhood to adulthood (about 20 years of it) and trying to make sense of my thoughts and actions and how they might be connected to my experiences. I'll try to keep this brief.

My parents were constantly at each others' throats until I was 12. Mom and dad would fight over seemingly petty things, and at other times over money. I didn't really understand the details as a kid; but they usually ended in mom describing how she was going to set the house on fire or kill my father and stuff like that. I remember staying awake and trying to convince myself that they weren't going to kill each other or me, we were a family and we loved each other, etc. That was before I was 7, I think. I'd sometimes think it was because I was born and at other times act as a messenger between them, trying to get them to stop fighting. It didn't work.

When father would leave for work, mom would often take it out on me, so I feared being alone with her.
One memory that bugs me now is that once she wrapped a towel around me when we were alone in the house and asked in a whismical tone what I was going to do if she were to kill me then. I gave another whismical answer and I think we laughed it off. But looking back at it as an adult, it doesn't seem right. Like, what did I even do? But that was just the first of many such threats.

I used to idolize my father as a kid, since he was comparatively much nicer to me; but now I really despise him for various reasons that I won't detail here.
He moved away when I was 12 for his job, but we moved back together when I turned 13 and the fights became prominent again. They continued on and off until mother passed away from pneumonia when I turned 22. It might sound odd and callous, but I was relieved that I would no longer have to deal with her menace and there would be no more fights between my parents or her and myself.

My mother seemed to have a fascination with making me feel inferior, but that's another tale for another day. I'm going to focus on the violent aspects here. She had a callous attitude towards my life and most likely my father's as well - she would often lump us together even though I hated that man as well.
Let's try to put the events in order -
1. The towel incident - occured before the age of 8, I believe.
2. The paperweight incident - threats of physical harm was her favorite. She'd threaten to crush my fingers with a glass paperweight for having bad handwriting or something (I can't remember the exact reasons). Events similar to this occured around between my age of 12 and 15.
3. Flaming blanket - When I was 14 she made me wrap myself in a blanket and threatened to burn me alive over some arguement. She didn't, obviously, but that gives you an idea what her attitude towards me was. This was over something petty and no, father wasn't around.
4. Hot poker - At times she'd threaten to heat up a prick and stab me in the stomach with it. The last time she did it was to get a confession (which I was guilty of). I think I was 15 or 16.
5. Strangulation - At other times she'd graphically describe how she was going to strangle me. She never actually did it, but might've initiated it once or twice - I can't be sure.
6. Crushed limbs - I remember how she'd wish she could break my arms and legs and leave me bound to the bed so that I would cause no more trouble. Said 'trouble' included minor delinquency like breaking household stuff or not getting near-perfect grades.
7. Blunt force head trauma - The most recent one that she'd repeatedly say and one that has affected me the most. It being that she was going to crush my skull with a stone mortar commonly used for grinding spices. This one went on during my late teenage years.

I could probably come up with more, but at this point you get the idea. Thankfully, she's gone, but I think her actions have affected me even though none of the above threats were actually carried out. I suspect the reason for this was we had to maintain the image of 'an ideal, happy family', and you can't do that if your only child shows up with physical injuries. Emotional abuse can be easily swept under the rug, but physical abuse can't. Related to this - both my parents had an obsession with maintaining my physical health and appearance.


THE EFFECTS:

I become extremely aggressive at the slightest provocations. It started as a teenager and was directed towards inanimate objects, but lately it's been escalating. For example, my first thoughts when provoked someone or something (more often than not, my father) is something along the lines of "I should crack his skull open with something blunt and heavy." No, I will not actually do it; otherwise I would have done it long ago. I'm just waiting for him to succumb him to one of his illnesses like mother.

What actually scares me now is that those thoughts and actions seem perfectly normal and do not trouble me as they should an ordinary person. Responding with violence seems like the norm rather than an exception or a last resort. Sometimes I wonder whether I'm just an evil person or whether it is all I know when it comes to people. I have pet birds, I love and cherish them; I never get the urge to hurt them no matter how troublesome they can be at times. In fact, I'm grateful towards them for teaching me love and compassion. But I can't make peace with the fact that I find violence to be normal and the first solution when it comes to anything provoking. However, I do not have any malice towards people or animals in general - in fact, most people I've met are far nicer than those two I grew up with. But I get enraged very easily if their behavior/mannerism/attitude starts to resemble that of my parents.

My current psychiatrist is rather gruff, so I have stopped seeing him, but I follow his prescription. (Currently on an SSRI and clonazepam.) He also stressed the fact that I need therapy for the treatment to be effective, but I can't obtain it in my current situation for multiple reasons. Again, I'll start therapy once I am truly independent with no one to interfere with my life anymore.

Anyway, thank you for reading. Any response is appreciated and I hope this post might help those who went through similar situations to gain some insight. I'll be happy to answer any questions.