will i ever get better

i am so so tired. day in and day out i think of what ifs, of the past, if only.
my emotions go from:
--rage toward caretaker, abuser, old friends who didnt support me as much as i wish they had, teachers...
(i get angry toward anyone who ever harmed me, i its volcano anger)

-- sorrow to the point where i have no desire left to live just misery

i dont feel anything.
n its been so many years. i had breakdown in 2013. i tried so much: therapy, google quotes, youtube video on how to get over regret, forgiveness, this forum, i just keep on hopping from place A to place B but i cant let the past go.

been 2 n half years since this post n i'm still stuck.
been 12 years since breakdown n i'm still stuck n still regret it.

i read somewhere. some folks were praising how narc abuse from parents made them a better person
n one person replied: throw a kid in a ring with mike tyson n he ends up with broken bones for the rest of his life... meeting a narc when you are naive and underdeveloped isnt a learning experience. its a horrifying ordeal from which some people take decades to recover.

a proper development of human being involves being exposed to problems that the human can handle at their stage. zone of proximal development or something

***

yeah... broken bones. as much as believe theres no afterlife or another change at life, i really hope there is. i'd like to live another life, a much better one. one without ghosts of past.

jaus tail wrote:i read somewhere. some folks were praising how narc abuse from parents made them a better person
n one person replied: throw a kid in a ring with mike tyson n he ends up with broken bones for the rest of his life... meeting a narc when you are naive and underdeveloped isnt a learning experience. its a horrifying ordeal from which some people take decades to recover.

a proper development of human being involves being exposed to problems that the human can handle at their stage. zone of proximal development or something

Maybe once that person has had a lot of time, the right resources available to them, and suitable space for them to process and accept what happened to them, and start to heal from it, then they can see that they've come out stronger. Not everyone is at that point though. Some people don't get the opportunities to heal, some don't have the capacity to fully understand what happened, and abuse is definitely not an experience you'd want to go through.

"Recovery" doesn't mean that all the trauma goes away. You'll always carry it with you, but it's learning how to deal with the trauma so it doesn't completely consume you all the time.