how to let go

how to let go and be happy. i'm 30 already n time is flying. the therapist said you only have so many summers ahead of you and it's also true for my mom.

but how do i let go of the fact that it really could've been so much better... should i just pretend that it never happened, go watch movie, eat some chips, listen to some song and laugh out loud...

my mom was difficult...

i've heard advice like:
--move on
--dont let your past govern your present (but the past does have an effect. actions in past of like charging your mobile battery will give you a well-functioning mobile the next morning. if you dont study in past, you wont be able to achieve well in the exam; in sports if the team doesnt practice during training, the team will lose the match)

other advice are:
--what happened was bad but your future is in your hands
--change your therapist if he thinks maybe you'll never recover
--forgive yourself for not forgiving yourself
--others also make mistakes. its not your fault.

i wish i were perfect. i mean everyone wants to be perfect. you want to buy a shirt that's not stained. you want to buy shoes that match each other. i feel imperfect. stained and i dont care that others are imperfect. for some time i want to think only about myself.

the past is like some mosquito buzzing around my ear.

i know we all have limited time and tomorrow we'll die... but does that mean what happened to me was immaterial. i value myself enough to realize it was unfair and shouldnt have happened.

i just dont know how to move on... and let it go...i feel owned by my bully. the guy on whom i made a gay pass... he would laugh at me n i feel he's still laughing at me.. i cant let go of his laughter.

i feel like i lost the battle to him.

So sorry for your ordeal Jaus

It is very difficult, for sure.

The things I keep turning over in my head;

Do you value yourself enough to stop placing yourself in the situation.
Do you value yourself enough to actually give yourself a break and begin to do things that help you heal.

Do you really want to allow such abuse at the expense of your own joy.

They say when one door closes another opens. (Close to certain people and situations) Open to new better kind of people and more enjoyable situations.

Thinking about the sort of people you really want in your life, those who do not judge, are happy to be with you, do not bad mouth, bully or put you down. Real friends who respect you and value you as a person.

I think there is something in that saying, if you want people to respect you, you must first respect yourself. If you want people to love you must first love yourself.

Respect, value and love yourself enough that you don't put yourself in that place where you know you will continue to be abused.

Do things that you enjoy, make that a priority for you, these things internalise as respect, love, care and value for yourself.

You know who your very best friend is?

Its You.

Best wishes to you and I hope you find the all powerful caring, decisive and positive Jaus
real soon. She is within you just waiting for your agreement to go go go and make joy together.

I actually need to listen to my own words too Journaling can help, write down what you desire, write down a list of things you appreciate and are thankful for.

Wishing you a wonderful weekend and wonderful future. It is possible, if you will say yes to it.

x x

Asta wrote:Do you value yourself enough to stop placing yourself in the situation.
Do you value yourself enough to actually give yourself a break and begin to do things that help you heal.

Do you really want to allow such abuse at the expense of your own joy.

You know who your very best friend is?

Its You.

To be honest nothing really matters anymore. I've been humiliated so much all my life by family n people whom i thought were friends, nothing really matters anymore. it could've been so much better. i wish people came with warning signs.

Hello Jaus tail,

I'm going through similar with my own trauma.

I try to have patience with myself. The effects of my trauma did not develop over night, so the healing process won't happen over night either. When I say healing, I don't mean 100% perfect. That can never be. Radically accepting that has also helped a bit. It takes time. It's rough, really rough.

I am currently trying to reparent myself. I tell myself that the way I feel is valid. My feelings matter and it's ok to have them. I engage in self care everyday. These are some of the things I lacked in my childhood; emotional and physical care.

I still have terrible days, but I've been in DBT for a while now, so they are a bit less now. I try to tell myself that, yes, what happened to me shouldn't have, but that I can't go back and change it. I can only work on how I react to it now. I can only build my skills and try a little bit each day.

I hope that you've found at least a little peace since writing this.

Welcome, and I think that kind of sums of what we all must do at some stage. If we can stay on that path and not give into self destructive behavior along the way, we can come out of it pretty well. Or at least much better than we think we will when we start.

Janus, is making progress, the steps forward and backwards but they seem to be getting there. Forums are very quiet here, but really that is a good thing in a way. Drop back occasionally.

Terry E. wrote:If we can stay on that path and not give into self destructive behavior along the way, we can come out of it pretty well. Or at least much better than we think we will when we start.

Janus, is making progress, the steps forward and backwards but they seem to be getting there. Forums are very quiet here, but really that is a good thing in a way. Drop back occasionally.

the relapses are terrible. and there are so many incidents that remind me of life before breakdown. i see a neighboring kid and he's barely 5 years old and so impressionable to any behavior.

i still act like a kid at times. it's embarrassing. like when i wake up i want someone to snuggle me. i'm 30.

Spearmint wrote:Hello Jaus tail,

I'm going through similar with my own trauma.

I try to have patience with myself. The effects of my trauma did not develop over night, so the healing process won't happen over night either. When I say healing, I don't mean 100% perfect. That can never be. Radically accepting that has also helped a bit. It takes time. It's rough, really rough.

I am currently trying to reparent myself. I tell myself that the way I feel is valid. My feelings matter and it's ok to have them. I engage in self care everyday. These are some of the things I lacked in my childhood; emotional and physical care.

I still have terrible days, but I've been in DBT for a while now, so they are a bit less now. I try to tell myself that, yes, what happened to me shouldn't have, but that I can't go back and change it. I can only work on how I react to it now. I can only build my skills and try a little bit each day.

I hope that you've found at least a little peace since writing this.

i used to reparent myself by telling myself: i'm there for u. i got u.
like i used to imagine i got wings and close them around myself.

yeah the effects wont go overnight. its just....i lost my entire mid 20s.
and i dislike the advice that: ull also waste ur 30s.