I felt brave...

I had my therapy session the other day and for the first time in my life I was able to say out loud about the time I was left for dead, lying in my own $#%^.

This abuse was courtesy of my stepmother.

I've never been able to say it out loud before because I was scared of how the words might sound and I was scared of no one believing me as well.

Also this happened to me when I was about 12 or 13 and I only remembered it happening when I was in my 30s and as soon as I remember it I usually forget it. This is probably a survival thing Idk.

Anyway I feel really brave for being able to say it.

Just thought I'd let you know.

I am so sorry that that happened to you Manners.
I had childhood PTSD events that I recalled decades later. Maybe that was why I turned into an alcoholic?
The pain and despair came out in the open (I remembered) and I had to deal with it. I did seek help and help was offered. Friends helped me heal.

I will never forget these ghosts from the past rhat haunt me and they will always be a part of me. They don't have as much power over me as they once did. It helped me to understand that mum was sent to boarding school during the Second World War in London. Horrific abuse happened to her. It was what she grew up with. It was all she knew.
I refuse to carry the abuse into the next generation. It ends with me.
You have commendable bravery.
Many can't deal with it or come to terms with what happened to them. They stay drunk, get institutionalized or die.
I had to make peace with the past in order to move on. Both what happened to me and what I did. You won't forget what happened, so it is best to make peace with it, if not forgive it.

Manners73 wrote:

I've never been able to say it out loud before because I was scared of how the words might sound and I was scared of no one believing me as well.

For some of us this is a step in desensitising ourselves from such painful memories. It seems that when we share these and get recognition of our pain, it seems to make it more manageable and easier to bear.

can be a very big moment and it puts ourselves at huge risk, because we often feel, "what if they can't see our pain ..if they don't confirm how bad it really was." That is a scary moment.

Well done, take care.

Wally58 wrote:I am so sorry that that happened to you Manners.
I had childhood PTSD events that I recalled decades later. Maybe that was why I turned into an alcoholic?
The pain and despair came out in the open (I remembered) and I had to deal with it. I did seek help and help was offered. Friends helped me heal.

I will never forget these ghosts from the past rhat haunt me and they will always be a part of me. They don't have as much power over me as they once did. It helped me to understand that mum was sent to boarding school during the Second World War in London. Horrific abuse happened to her. It was what she grew up with. It was all she knew.
I refuse to carry the abuse into the next generation. It ends with me.
You have commendable bravery.
Many can't deal with it or come to terms with what happened to them. They stay drunk, get institutionalized or die.
I had to make peace with the past in order to move on. Both what happened to me and what I did. You won't forget what happened, so it is best to make peace with it, if not forgive it.

I will never forgive her. But I don't need to because I've not seen her for years. She's a dangerous person who will never change. I know she was also abused as a child but that is really no excuse for what she did to me. She actually adopted me so that makes it double worse IMHO. She's a ######6 monster and I tar her with the same brush as a paedophile.

I'm glad you was able to find some resolution through it all and I'm glad it didn't ultimately distroy you as well.

Terry E. wrote:

Manners73 wrote:

I've never been able to say it out loud before because I was scared of how the words might sound and I was scared of no one believing me as well.

For some of us this is a step in desensitising ourselves from such painful memories. It seems that when we share these and get recognition of our pain, it seems to make it more manageable and easier to bear.

can be a very big moment and it puts ourselves at huge risk, because we often feel, "what if they can't see our pain ..if they don't confirm how bad it really was." That is a scary moment.

Well done, take care.

I told this therapist I'm seeing. I think part of me wanted to test her out as well but I needed to say it at the time I remembered it again as well or I might have forgotten it again. I was also afraid that I might not have the courage to ever say it again and as I'm in therapy now I'm not going to waste my time talking about things that don't really affect my life too much.

Aot of things have happened in my life since that and even though they were really bad I could never understand why I was always able to be alk away from them like they didn't matter. I told the therapist this and she said that something must have dies in me when that happened. Idk about that but I appreciated the way she actually got angry for me as I wasn't able to show any emotion when I told her. I said it's like I'm watching it on a movie. She said I'm disconnected.

I had to say that I 'forgave' what happened in order to break its power over me. I had to forgive for my own sake. I didn't forgive them to make their life better.
I admit there was a long time to consider doing it and I never thought that I could do it. Others told me it was best to forgive and pray, if I could.
I saw them forgive and pray for their abusers and they had peace of mind. I wanted that peace of mind, so that like them, I could also advance.

When what occurred in the past crosses my mind, it still makes me angry and a part of me dies, but I am able to move on from it. Progress not perfection, right?

A child can only process what happens to it with the limited tools and defenses that they have at the time.
I can relate to pretending that I was another being in the room other than myself in order to mentally handle a situation. That 3rd party came into play during therapy when I had to pretend that I was someone else talking about what happened to me.
I had cracked under the fear of thinking that I was going to die horribly (see all the threads in the dissociatives section when we have to become someone else)! It becomes a reflex.

Children's minds must protect them when on an overload. This can take some strange turns. It can also stay that way for the rest of our lives. We survived situations any way we could and at a moment's notice.
This is a huge step out of our illness and into wellness.
An 'epiphany' of sorts, if you will.

You ARE brave and strong Manners. Always thought.
Glad that you see first-hand your existing courage.