Manners73 wrote:It's not something I talk about because I did love my brother and I feel like I'm betraying his memory.
It wasn't his fault either. He was abused by his horrendous mother and it was like he was doing the same thing to me. He used to beat me with sticks and as I got a bit older his mother would tell him to abuse me in front of people to humiliate me (I can only assume this to be the reason). He once chased me down the street and rubbed dirt and stones in my face and called me a slut. This was in broad daylight and she was behind this.
She would also buy things for me and then tell him to steal them back and sell them. It was just weird.
I don't care about her and I don't know if she's even dead or alive as its been many many years now.
Am I betraying him to talk of him in this way because I did actually idolise him when I was young.
Should I speak to someone about this irl?
You aren't betraying your brother. It has already been clear that you like him, and if you are very attached to him, as it sounds, it means that he was able to offer you something, and in a difficult context. Your feelings have their language and their meaning.
The question of “abuse” is not to establish someone's morality and if he is a “good” person; someone thinks this way, but I think that this attitude can be very superficial, and hypocritical.
So, if you like your brother, nobody has the right to judge him, to destroy his memory, to devalue him.
But the point isn't about him; it's about you and about the possible psychological effects that you could experience today.
I don't know if you would feel better talking about it irl; it depends on the person. If you find a sensitive and open minded person, that you trust, it could be helpful; you seem to have a good intuition, to read people and choose the right person.