Was I molested when I was very young?

I don't remember any specific incident. And I had left it at that for the longest time.

But I remember having vivid sexual dreams involving myself and adults when I was around 6. It would be very triggering for me to describe them in detail. But suffice to say they involve "correct" prescient knowledge of some adult sexual activity, even though I was never exposed to that kind of information.

Whenever I had those dreams I'd be in a lull of fascination and would try not to wake up in order to keep on seeing what I was seeing. It was mesmerizing yet I couldn't quite understand it.

How is this even possible? Was I sexually abused? Please tell me it's possible to have such ideas without exposure?

Maybe you saw something on tv when you were younger.

It's not possible to have such ideas without some kind of exposure. Sorry.

I looked at your other posts, and since you were physically and emotionally abused terribly throughout your childhood. It would not be a stretch for you to have been exposed to sexual behavior or to have been molested or abused at a young age, since it seems that no one cared about your feelings. Maybe your parents didn't care enough to stop if you wandered in on them as a toddler or young child and saw sexual activity, or maybe something was done to you directly.

Have you seen a therapist who specializes in early childhood trauma and dissociative disorders?

I don't think I could've seen anything this graphic on TV. I really don't wanna describe it but I think it's too much even for adult TV especially in the 80/90s, and I'm sure I had no access to any adult channels or other materials at all anyway.

@TheGangsAllHere

My parents were abusive but definitely not sexually abusive and they were overall protective at that time in my life, as the gross neglect really worsened later when I turned 11-12 (although my mom did threaten with knives when I was 4-5). That I'm sure of. But I'm wondering if I was drugged at school or something, because the dreams had a weird quality that feels like being on drugs where everything is super vivid, colorful and mesmerizing, much more so than normal dreams.

I remember it being mixed up with elements that appeal to children, such as ice cream, which increases my fear that some predators lured me and drugged me or something like that.

I have no access to a specialist therapist unfortunately. There's very little to go on but I remember having those dreams very distinctly, and numerous times. Come to think of it I might have been younger than 6. I had no physical symptoms whatsoever that I can recall.

But really no specific incident comes to mind at all. I normally have exceptional long term recall. I'm able to remember specific details of when I was 9 months old which surprised my mom ("wow, you can remember that?!").

They stopped when I was around 9 I think.

Very strangely when I had those dreams I came out of them knowing some nonsense word, which was apparently the group name of the adults in the dreams. I'm afraid to write it out but it's a nonsense word with no meaning as far as I can tell. At the time I once woke up and asked my mom what that was, and she had no idea, as it's a true nonsense word.

Thanks for helping me with this.

From what I know people can sometimes have fragmented memories of stuff that happened if it was traumatic (but of course one might have mixed feelings such as fear and curiosity at the same time when one doesn't know what's going on).

I don't think that porn influences was that far away in the 80's and 90's, sometimes regular channels would show porn in the evenings. And a lot of us remember the old magazines in the bushes.

Personally I was introduced to the idea from a friend who told me about the movies his dad was watching.
But I've heard it said that sexual arousal can awaken sooner in kids who are physically abused, it makes sense since it is a physical way of calming the body down.

I'm not going to speculate on wether you were molested or not, it's impossible to say. But maybe some of what I wrote might resonate with you.

Thanks for your help. I'm 100% sure the content of the dreams is not something I've seen in porn. It's really not normal for porn at all.

I can't for the life of me understand how I had dreams like that. I absolutely did not have access to adult materials of any kind. I can't seem to figure this out at all. I'm such a mess with this and the constant abuse, and then there's my own remorse that I'm carrying.