One of our issues is that we have a base point that is out of step with general society. Much of my uncomfortable issues stem from this.
I don't do counseling and avoid Psyches. (the old "tell me how that made you feel" - made me feel like getting a baseball bat so that they could feel it themselves).
In the last 18 months I have met two wonderful friends. One online and one local who both had horror childhoods. Although their abuse is very different, it stems from early childhood and mothers who should never have been. Although both have been married several times and one still is very happily married they both have confided the doubt over whether they ever loved their husbands. Whether they know what it is. I had never really thought about it. After a while I wondered if what I had felt for my wife was simply a reaction to her kindness and affection. That I don't know what love is.
Around this time my wife went overseas and joined my oldest son on holidays. She was gone for seven weeks. I realised when she was gone I was very happy. Happier than when she is at home. So much time to do so many things. So much time to be alone. I really enjoyed it. I love being alone.
In a discussion recently with her,which lead to "why can't you get over this", I answered what was the worst memory of her life. She answered "the night our son almost died in a car crash" and we attended hospital at 1.30pm while they worked to save his life. I told her it was not even close. I remember the night very well but at the time I felt nothing and in remembering still don't.
As a child I learned not to be happy as I realised that the come down, from being happy - to being terrorized and terribly physically abused was much worse than if I was emotionally flat. It was better to never be happy than be happy and have it taken away.I lived each day working on making my tomorrow okay. I still do. The concept of being in the moment I do not actually understand. At a recent Comic Con I made sure I could photo doc the experience so that I can sit down and enjoy it. At the time it was mostly hard work. Will I do it again, sure. (kind of funny how you can be wonderfully alone in a venue full of 42,000 people if you know how to do it. )
I now wonder if as a young child I learned to suppress my emotions. It reduced the emotional pain. About the only emotion I think I had was one of hope, no, knowledge that my tomorrows must be better than my today's. I think sometimes people may take this as dissociation. It is not it is different. If your emotions are not exercised as a child, do they stay stunted for life.
As an adult about the only emotion I will admit to is a feeling of underlying anger at society. Years ago that spilled out into rage (the explosive survivor rage you may have heard about) It has not appeared now in maybe 15 years. It is still there if my mind wanders. The anger part, not the rage.
Having learned to suppress our emotions, do we ever develop them. If they are not exercised at the right ages do they wither and die.
I wonder.
I have started to try and pull memories from my childhood. For decades they have been locked away. I would avoid thinking of them as the horror memories would always surface straight away. Funny how you can remember the feeling of terror after all these years.It has been hard but I have been slowly picking through those horror memories. Trying to remember my school. My friends (found they were actually very, very few, but lots of subtle bullying and isolation - which at the time did not matter to me ). A slow process, but in its ways rewarding. Helps me understand a lot of whys in my life.