Done with my mom for good

Thanksgiving came and went and I didn't call my mom. I am not in her life anymore. She is not in my life anymore. I don't want her in my life. She tried to weasel herself into my life again, and I sort of got scared she would do it, force herself into my life again and make me so unhappy. She said some really mean things about me recently. Made fun of me about my mental illness of bipolar. and other things. I suffer terribly at times with this illness and instead of sympathy, she mocks me. I just can't have her in my life when she talks about me this way. Imagine how she would treat me in daily life. It'd be like living under her roof all over again as a kid and I can't do that. I'm very much at peace with her being gone from my life entirely. I tried to just be polite before, but she has no respect for boundaries, healthy boundaries, so this is how it will be. There is no going back this time. I remind myself of all she says about me, of who she really is. Mean and hurtful. She shoots daggers with her hurtful words. ALL THE TIME! I refuse to put myself in her path to hurt me again. It already hurts me when my siblings tell me what she says about me, which is never anything good. God bless her. Because I want nothing to do with her. I don't even get angry or hurt. I want to share because it feels good to be where I am at. I don't care if others understand. I don't need to explain myself to a single soul. I just do as I please and carry on with my life. I hope everyone here is doing ok.

quietgirl2538 wrote:
God bless her. Because I want nothing to do with her. I don't even get angry or hurt. I want to share because it feels good to be where I am at. I don't care if others understand. I don't need to explain myself to a single soul. I just do as I please and carry on with my life. I hope everyone here is doing ok.

Some of us who need to get where you are never make it. It will now get easier all the time.
Hope thanksgiving was a good one with your family.

It took me getting away from my family for awhile to realize some of the sick dynamics that had been going on. Namely alcoholism and mental illness.
While living with mom until age 30, I had assumed my comfortable role in the household and was not growing up or getting on with adult responsibilities. I felt very naive once I realized this.
Living apart from mom allowed me to find myself for the first time. Initially, my new-found independence was outside of my comfort zone, but I developed confidence and pride in making my own life decisions.
Sometimes family is OK to visit, but I wouldn't want to live there. I plan ahead for family gatherings and allow myself an exit when it becomes necessary. Spending holidays with family can be stressful.
I still love my family (from a distance) and that is OK. My dad turns 90 at the beginning of December. Sometimes he can be difficult, but he is always glad of the company. We are planning a birthday meal at a restaurant. Mom and my younger brother have passed on, so the family is getting smaller and I try to remember that we don't have family forever.
They do what they can and I do what I can.
I am now close to my sister whom I wasn't particularly close to while growing up.
Best of luck to you.

@Terry, my Thanksgiving was good. Peaceful and enjoyable. Just how I like it. I feel like I am a strong person to go against so much that society would want done differently. It's my life and I only have one, so I am grateful for the listening ear of the therapist who so kindly hears me out and validates me.

@Wally, I feel like you share, that I've found myself for the first time. The first time in my life. I have a brother and sister whom I am close to. And I take what good I have in this lifetime. I love my in-laws very much and am close to them. My father-in-law will turn 80-something. I don't want to quote a wrong age. But I do treasure them so much. They are the family I have.

quietgirl2538 wrote:it feels good to be where I am at. I don't care if others understand. I don't need to explain myself to a single soul. I just do as I please and carry on with my life.

It does feel great.

I have been upset with the victim blaming going in my life (and on Psychforums). For example, when someone is fancying going no contact with a toxic parent but people guilt trip them not to. I like how fast the victim becomes a bad guy in those situations.

People who advise against leaving a toxic family behind are often afraid of being left behind themselves. They want to be forgiven and they want us to forget when they harm us. So they advise us, against our best interest, to put up with the hurt that other family members or friends or co-workers inflict upon us.

On the downside, you encounter similar hurtful behaviors "in the wild", so might as well be prepared. Though you don't always have a choice with co-workers, school mates etc. with family, you do.

So FREEDOOOOOOM!

Cassandre, I apologize for the late reply.

It's not fair to those of us who try to do what's in our best interest and are judged in a negative manner by others who are not in our shoes, who don't live our daily lives and who cannot truly empathize or understand. Yet, some do judge, and harshly, at times.

I told my therapist that when I know others won't understand and they happen to ask about how my mom is doing, I lie to them. I don't need a lecture. I don't want to know what they think. So I lie. "Yeah, she's doing great!" And we are not the 'bad guys.' Not at all. I fiercely defend this!

I think some people do fear of being left behind themselves. They suddenly see that they are the same way and 'I' am pointing this out to them by sharing how a toxic parent is hurting me. I completely understand what you mean. Hugs!

quietgirl

quietgirl2538 wrote:Cassandre, I apologize for the late reply.

No worries, I read your reply but could not answer. Was caught up with work at school.

quietgirl2538 wrote:I told my therapist that when I know others won't understand and they happen to ask about how my mom is doing, I lie to them. I don't need a lecture. I don't want to know what they think. So I lie. "Yeah, she's doing great!" And we are not the 'bad guys.' Not at all. I fiercely defend this!

It's not like I can't lie, I have lied before. But that makes me feel uncomfortable. So I tell the truth if people ask. If they did not want to know they should not have asked!

I can totally see the benefits in your strategy, I do. But I tried teaching myself some poker face, to no avail.

quietgirl2538 wrote:I think some people do fear of being left behind themselves. They suddenly see that they are the same way and 'I' am pointing this out to them by sharing how a toxic parent is hurting me. I completely understand what you mean. Hugs!

Thank you, thank you!

quietgirl2538 wrote:It's not fair to those of us who try to do what's in our best interest and are judged in a negative manner by others who are not in our shoes, who don't live our daily lives and who cannot truly empathize or understand. Yet, some do judge, and harshly, at times.

Yep. Not fair. On the plus side, it's telling: it's saying something about them too!

Happy New Year!

Happy New Year, Cassandre!