Trust and socialising - or at least I saw a Picaso

Last Monday my dear wife dragged me into town to see a display of impressionist paintings from the Hermitage. This is not something I enjoy, but it was big for her.
It was a semi private showing after hours for members of her old University Alumni with guest speakers, also ex-Alumni being executives from two of our biggest banks.

I hated most of it. Not the art, just being there. I always do. Parties weddings, any social event where someone may talk to me. Last night I was wondering why? When I enter these things, I feel like I am pulling on my armour. I steel myself for it. My plan is to avoid people, move around, find a quiet corner, and just try to be ignored. I have done this my entire life, (makes socializing looking for girl friends pretty hard when I was young).

I thought through this last night and got up to record my thoughts before they drifted away with the dawn. I realised I don't just dislike these things I fear them. I fear anyone asking me questions about my life. I fear having to lie. I always hated it, and still do, except now I don't, and that is even worse. (Last Comic Con -"why do you always dress as Heatwave? - Ans: "well he killed his parents, they were abusive, I never had the guts to kill mine, so I really like this character "- and I doubt I will ever see her again).

When people talk about family etc and expect you to do the same, actually about anything, my whole life has been anything but normal on basically everything, health, family, work, sport, hobbies, basically anything, and everything is abnormal, and stuff no one can understand or in most cases ever want to know about.

So many times I have had to invent stuff to appear normal, I hated it, it was stressful, it made me feel wrong, out of place, alone. When I was young it was other things. In recent years Normal questions - "you have a twitch there " (left side of my face) Ans "yeah my mother was right handed" - and the stupid blank look I got,

or that look when people realise I am talking without moving my jaw - (long explanation but my upper and lower teeth do not mesh - "And Yes, its caused by me being a mouth breather, caused by multiple broken noses, earliest before I can remember and chronic respiratory complaints, caused by poisoning, caused by mother with Munchausen by proxy - yes MBP actually does exist" well one way to get rid of people I guess. Maybe I will try that next time.

Well this is more of what my life is now, when I was young it was more the spontaneity. Those events had alcohol. Alcohol leads to spontaneity. Spontaneity leads to loud unexpected noises and triggering. Triggering leads to strong urges to physically stop loud noises. It is a wonder more of us don't wind up in jail. Guess that may have been why I hated them then. Different reasons now, same feelings.


I was discussing with a mod here recently her life. She has overcome amazing obstacles and in my mind is a huge success, but people will never know. She can never tell them her story. People cannot understand it.

The things in life I am proudest of is not my business success, my toys, my masters world championship, and world records (that and $3.50 will buy me a cup of coffee - no visible trophies in our house) or my children, it is that I did not wind up in an institution. ( I have had two very experienced professionals privately say to me "you should be in an institution "- biggest compliments anyone has ever paid me).

Anyway I got to see a Picaso, and some amazing stuff ... and a whole lot of other stuff that any school teacher of 8-10 year olds would have been proud of.

Yes, you don't fit in, and you also know it, so it becomes a chore. You don't want to be uncomfortable and you don't want other people to be either. But you know it will happen.

It would be easier if either:

1. You did fit in and were comfortable (obviously)
or
2. You didn't fit in but were utterly clueless about it, so you could just be yourself and be oblivious to the reactions of others.

I used to envy the former, as I get older I envy the latter.

Glad you got to see the Picasso, his works are the subject of endless debate. The kind of gathering that is endurable because you can mostly listen to what others think, at least until someone asks you what you think.

The personal achievemnt and lack or recognition thing is something we learn to live with. Both this and the not fitting-in thing above are good in a way, because it means most people are not abused, and you are in the minority. So you can be happy for them while not fitting in.

First of all, Yay! For getting to see a Picaso! I don't really seem to appreciate this type of thing but if it made your dear wife happy, then it was all worth it.

People cannot understand about child abuse. I just walk away. I just leave the topic alone.

But just remember this, I do indeed understand.

A-ha, funny, not understanding Picasso. Art appreciation isn't for everybody. On a side note, I saw a special exhibition of Picasso drawings in a famous museum once, and the work was actually more interesting and livelier than any of his paintings, to be truthful. And yes, I saw his Guernica, in addition to other paintings he did in his lifetime, in other exhibitions. Still no match to his drawings. It's unfortunate that there is no published compendium/book of Picasso's drawings--he did hundreds of them.

Picasso aside,Terry, you've accomplished a lot of things to be proud of in spite of your mother's abusiveness, and that is ALL that matters. No one knows your side of this story and you can't expect ppl to understand what you were subjected to as a child and the "real" cause of your current health issues. Abuse of a child is something many ppl have a hard time with, as it's hard to conceive why a parent would want to harm her own child. It doesn't occur to others that mental illness in a parent can play a big factor in the abuse of a child. You see the irony because you've been thru hell and back, others have never experienced that in their own upbringing.

It's ok to be yourself, you've certainly earned it.