That look we get when we tell someone

Quiet and I were discussing one of the difficult things we have experienced as a survivor and that is the look on someones face when we answer questions about our lives.

It is not just pity, or shock, or disbelief, or as another friend said "oh paw you" (which made her want to tear that persons arms off) but to me it is "I wish he would stop, for gods sake make him stop". Right there at that moment I can see they want to be anywhere but standing in front of me.

"Can we please just pretend you had a normal life !!!"
and you can get that look on a partners, a therapist, a doctors or Councillors face as well

Makes me feel so very much alone, not sure that feeling will ever fade

Terry, I think that look occurs because your story causes them to depart from their comfort zones, where they prefer to remain safely nestled. They believe certain things about the world and want to go on believing them. They don't want to know about the exceptions.

As a young adult going off to college, I used to think people would admire me for my background, and having overcome those things to make it to college.. But I quickly learned that wasn't true, and it was best to keep quiet. I chalked that up to their having no similar frame of reference. But as I've gotten older, I've realized that some things they just don't want to know. Like you said, it's not that you thrust the knowledge upon them, you're just giving them an answer they weren't expecting

I've had similar experiences with other issues. A school board meeting where the kids have tested near the bottom of percentile rankings, and you bring it up to discuss possible improvements and solutions, then realize you've crossed an invisible boundary. Nobody wants that pointed out, not administrators or teachers or board members. The official line is that the testing results are not accurate, that's what parents are told and believe. That argument is clearly false for anyone with a basic understanding of statistics. Other schools in the same wealth bracket do far better, and the techniques they use are public knowledge, they are happy to share what works for them. But the school does not want to budge from the comfortable belief that there is no actual problem, even if the result is denying opportunities to their own kids. And you are just causing trouble, and making them uncomfortable, by bringing it up.

If you've ever argued with a conspiracy theorist, that's another example. I have a neighbor who believes the World Trade Centers were blown up by the government on 9/11. If he is presented with facts to the contrary, he gets very upset. For him, it's not about understanding, it's about not leaving the comfortable zone of his own beliefs.

I realize we all have that tendency, change is hard for everyone. I'm sure the neighbor above believes the same thing about me, I'm not willing to change my beliefs. I would hope that I am more factual than he is, but that's a matter of perspective.

For the other part of this that you mentioned, that speaking your truth causes loneliness, I don't have a good answer because it definitely does. Something very impactful to you can't be fully shared with people close to you, not because you are wrong for sharing, but because they can't handle the knowledge. All I can say is that not everyone is that way, I'm sure you do have some people who listen and understand. So maybe try to be thankful for those people, and be forgiving and tolerant of the others.

It's interesting to consider that this is the basis of tribalism, finding others who will understand and believe the same things as you. It's something we all want and crave. The problem comes when you aren't forgiving or tolerant of the other groups. That's what has gone wrong in the world today. Some changes take generations, so we have to be sure we remain tolerant during that time, so that change remains possible. That's true of my neighbor and the school board and our loved ones too.

I have a friend whom I shared about not having my mom over for Thanksgiving. I said that I told my sister to tell my mom that she is not welcome in my home. She said that I "had balls" to say that to my mom. She meant that how dare I treat my mom like that. I never tell her anything now. She and I don't agree on certain things. And this is one of them. If I am not respected, then I am no friend of theirs. Her look was shock and astonishment against me. Just because she had a good mom and a good childhood doesn't mean I lived a life just like hers. So ###$ her!

In therapy, I have to look down to the floor or to the side because I don't like to see what look I may get. I do look for validation from the therapist. At this point in our sessions my story is told and I receive validation for my person and my life's story. But I fear another disappointment at times. I don't share anymore. Having the one person, the therapist, is enough for me. Even my spouse upsets me when they seem to take a side against me. It's meant well, but I get hurt, mad, whatever...

Avatar, I agree that for some people, it is removing them from their comfort zone. It's not something to talk about, it makes other's uncomfortable. It's like almost taboo to say, "My mom is abusive" for some people. Especially some whom I view as church people who have told me to "honor thy mother and thy father" like it says in the Bible. (I am a religious person). I don't want to go into religion at all, I just bring this up because it has happened to me. I don't have any friends from my church, when I do attend. And my childhood life is a lie to others. I would rather lie than get lectured. I know I sound angry and bitter. I am. I am also very defensive. That's just how I've become in response to what I've experienced.

Quiet, it's not wrong to feel as you do, or Terry. Other people probably mean well but don't have those same experiences, so can't really relate or understand the strength or depth of your feelings.

I've seen similar situations arise, with myself and with friends. In the end, all you can do is what you believe is best and right for you, whatever others think.

avatar123 wrote:
Terry, I think that look occurs because your story causes them to depart from their comfort zones, where they prefer to remain safely nestled. They believe certain things about the world and want to go on believing them.

As a young adult going off to college, I used to think people would admire me for my background, and having overcome those things to make it to college.. But I quickly learned that wasn't true, and it was best to keep quiet. I chalked that up to their having no similar frame of reference. But as I've gotten older, I've realized that some things they just don't want to know.

Avatar that is so very true.

A shame isn't it. Maybe the biggest achievements in our lives and unlike others we have to hide them.

quietgirl2538 wrote:In therapy, I have to look down to the floor or to the side because I don't like to see what look I may get.

I decided to work on this with my therapist, so we actually practice "looking." I hold a pillow that I can hide my face behind if it gets to be too much. And I used to worry so much that I would get a look that I couldn't stand. But after a little over a year, I can spend a LOT more time looking into his eyes and I don't worry that they will change to something I wouldn't be able to stand. They are just warm and caring. It has had a big positive effect on me.