Dominoes still keep falling

My childhood featured extreme long term physical and emotional abuse. To explain our bizarre home our mother made up continuing lies about her life, (we now believe she was committed at 13 - or had a child out of wedlock, or both), her health, Munchhausen + we suffered Munchhausen By Proxy. My brother and I were guilted into being her slaves (the Munchausen part) and set against each other so we did not communicate and complete a picture. (of course we were lied to by Uncles and Aunts and grandparents - out of shame and the fact they all prayed she would never get that bad they would not have to try and deal with her, which of course they often had to (institutionalized again when I was 12).

Our lives preceded Meadows describing MBP, so our extraordinary health was to a great degree just a puzzle to professionals... made harder to deal with by the fact we were "strange children".

When I was 33 they put her in a straight jacket and took her to a padded cell. Society finally had enough. There professionals explained that I was not strange, but I had a mad mother.

That was the first domino. the next was reading someone who had MBP, the next domino, and after that they keep falling.

Latest one was this week. From the age of 7 when my mother drove out my father with the sharp end of a pair of scissors we only ever had three adults visit the house. A cleaner paid for by my grandfather who was recommended by a Psychiatrist to try and give her socialization (she was OCD so cleaning was never an issue) a car driving instructor, who she dated briefly and the Cub's Akela. I had always thought that was strange. Not that no one visited, knowing what happened in that house that makes sense, but that this woman ever did. She had barely met mum and had a full pack of kids to supervise and I never heard of her visiting any other boys parents although I cannot be sure.

Had she seen welts and bruises, had the other children asked about our "issues" - was she checking up on something that looked a little odd ?? Makes more sense than anything else.

Thanks just rambling, found out I have no one else to talk this stuff over with.
hope all is well with everyone
Take care.

Terry, you have survived so much as a young child. I don't even think I can truly know what it's like to be you, because you have gone through so much, it's hard to put all your thoughts on paper to express what you went through. I've had my therapist to listen to me over a span of over 5 years. Longer. I know how others react or can react when you mention that your mom is not a good mother, and that's putting it very lightly (that she was a terrible mom, terrible person back then as a child and now as an adult). I stopped sharing with others pretty much. The other day I made the mistake of doing that and I got that exact response and it just made me angry. So I know better. Here, in Child Abuse, I receive so much validation just in others like you, who share what you went through. We all know what we're talking about. And my mom hasn't changed. She is someone I'd never be near if we weren't related. I wouldn't let that woman near me. She's just evil, cruel, hateful, and many other bad things that perfectly describe her. A monster, literally. Sending many hugs.

Terry, I think the Cubs woman probably did look in on you because she sensed something was wrong. Truly caring adults will do that. In my family, there were uncles and aunts that interceded and took us out of there when things got really bad. Also as a teenager with basically no meaningful home life (but also no awareness of it because it was all I knew), I became an extended family member in other homes of my friends, who invited me and included me in normal things with their families.

Looking back on it now, that was important, and I'm grateful to those people for what they did. I'm sure they had some awareness that I was pretty lost. Like you, no one was invited to our house. I tried a few times but dad was not at all freindly or receptive. So I mostly went elsewhere.

I'm sure that you also have done this, checking in on people whom you've cared about. So when you look back on what happened, and realize how bad it was, you can balance that with how much you've acheived in not becoming the person that raised you. Same goes for QuietGirl as well. It's a small but meaningful triumph that most people don't understand. Normal is hard when you've grown up without it.

Avatar and Terry,
No one looked in on us (on me). My mom was very strict with us, but more so with me. She even made me undo my hair when I was about 15 because she thought I was trying to look pretty and impress a guy. She told me I wasn't pretty and that no one would ever look at me. The being strict part kept me very isolated, which is why when I was kicked out/ran away, I felt free to just be in another home where I wasn't feeling like everyday was a depressing day. Nothing good to look forward to.

I wanted to add, Terry, that a lady with so many children maybe did see signs of child abuse, but for the sake of protecting the children (you and your brother) had to appear like a friend to your mom. But maybe, just maybe she was sort of snooping to see if there was evidence to help you. That is just a thought. As someone who has been physically, emotionally, and verbally abused, I can spot an abusive person, whether it's a mom or just any woman, or a man. Perhaps there were clear signs of dysfunction. Having lived through our isolated life as kids, I know that when a child behaves a certain way, for example, is a really noticeable people pleaser like I was, maybe it could be like me, who hoped to be treated better and liked by my own parent, that I did everything to please her and more...I think it's very possible for this person to have tried to look into your home life and see that you were ok. We ask ourselves these questions. I know I do. I had a coach whom I heard was the only person to have asked about me after I had finished high school. No one knew what went on behind closed doors because no one visited us. Not even family. We weren't allowed to have anyone adult or child to visit us. We also weren't allowed to have anyone call us nor could we call anyone.
My mom and her sister didn't get along during that time. They still don't visit one another nor like each other. We didn't even have our dad to ask about us. He was in prison later and had also remarried and only saw us and paid child support because he was mandated by the government to do so.

QuietGirl, sorry you had to go through all of that. I guess I was lucky to have others looking out for me. I wish you'd had someone looking out for you, apart from your coach. I'm sure you have done this for others in your life. Maybe all you can say is that life is unfair, but you do your best to be as fair as possible with your own life, and not contribute to it.

quietgirl2538 wrote:
because you have gone through so much, it's hard to put all your thoughts on paper to express what you went through. I've had my therapist to listen to me over a span of over 5 years.

Quiet - I may very well need therapy and considering it as I head into retirement - I have used work to block out so much and when that is gone I am kind of worried about what and who I will be. My oldest has found a wonderful girl and I want to be part of there life but I am worried about slipping up and being a liability for him

Longer. I know how others react or can react when you mention that your mom is not a good mother,

My wonderful wife runs decoy on that -she makes sure when is always there when I have to deal with her in the nursing home

. I stopped sharing with others pretty much. The other day I made the mistake of doing that and I got that exact response and it just made me angry.

Okay on that last one - I hope you can laugh at this but it happened two weeks ago. I Cosplay at the local Comic Cons, and do it pretty well as the actor who plays my character looks about 10 years younger than me. I have made many acquaintances. Many of them young enough to be my grandchildren and I provide wisdom and help when needed.

At the last Con one of the acquaintances asked why I always play the same character. The prop gets better and the costume has improved but it is still the same character. She is not as young as most and has had a challenging life in many levels. I respect her a lot and have had "mature " conversations in the past. However I never expected I would say this.

"I am the survivor of extreme long term child abuse. I cosplay xxxx as he killed his abuser. I have always wanted to kill mine but never had the guts"

After I said that I had an immediate "what the hell did I just do".. luckily she is mature and we talked a bit and later I emailed her to apologize about bringing down the mood.

Why I said that I can only think I am so very tired of pretending to be someone I am not.I had never ever thought I would express those inner thoughts out loud. Kind of why I think I may seek out some help in the future.

Terry, those are your true feelings so no shame there. Anyone who knows your story would not blame you for having them. I think not acting on them has more to do with character than courage. It can take courage not to act as well.

I'm sure it's been hard to hold that in and not let others know or see that part of you. Also feeling shame for having them, when none is really warranted, but knowing they aren't socially acceptable. So if talking to a professional will help with that, it would be a good thing.

Avatar thank you. I am having a few issues at the moment. A friend of mine has COPD and when she described it the light globe went off. I have had it most of my life but had it under control through rather advanced weight training. It appears as I get older this is no longer enough and it is giving me issues. I am getting tested in around 6 weeks so I will know then what my future holds, but it was a very rude shock. I thought I had beaten most of the crap she dealt me. I thought despite it all I had won. ...

It kind of contributed to a flashpoint with my spouse, which then had me retreat from here for a while.

Anyway I will know soon and should not think about it until then. Maybe it is not COPD and I am just getting old.


anyway thanks again,

avatar123 wrote:QuietGirl, sorry you had to go through all of that. I guess I was lucky to have others looking out for me. I wish you'd had someone looking out for you, apart from your coach. I'm sure you have done this for others in your life. Maybe all you can say is that life is unfair, but you do your best to be as fair as possible with your own life, and not contribute to it.

In my life, I have learned and felt what it is to be a good mother. Obviously from the example of my own mother, being a good mother doesn't always come naturally. A lot of "feeling" motherly and understanding my children has been through healing, reading self-help books, reading on being a good mother, and especially working with my therapist to continue further healing. Life was cruel and I was an unhappy and depressed girl, but that was back then. My healing helps me a lot with moving forward, although some of the pain I felt then is still with me now. It's not always so simple to say, I'm better, life is perfect now. Because at least for me, it isn't completely true. I am free of living under her roof, but I have a fear that she should ever have control over me again, which is why I stay away from her because even in our recent dealings with one another, she triggers me A LOT and I can't do that to me which is to put myself through that hurt again.

Terry, when I read what you wrote, the one thing that stood out to me was exactly what my therapist had first told me when I told her I had run away and I decided it was better to live in the streets than to live with her. I lived in a shelter and had at least 2 days where I wandered the streets until I found the shelter. I felt better there. She said, it must have been really bad that it drove me to do this, to choose to live in the streets than to live with her. This is what worked for me back then, I don't tell others to do this because I only try to concentrate on me. Like avatar said, it's a truth about how you are feeling, you are facing yourself and it takes that to heal, I have found out. There is absolutely no shame in that. To know you have felt like that tells me what my own therapist, "it must have been really bad for you." She was a really bad mother. I'd like to share that when I was a teen, my mind took me to a point where I wanted my mom to die, somehow, to die so I cold escape her and to have a chance at a better life with other people to love me and give me a good life. I'd fantasize living a better life without her. I felt "happy" she was dead. That was me as a teen. I escaped life with reading, studying, praying (which never fixed her btw!), My mind was mostly elsewhere, I think because I had to cope somehow. I was locked up in this home with this woman who made my life a living hell. I don't think hell (if you believe in it) could be worse than this. I've lived it. Hugs!