Go No Contact?

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This is almost a cry for help coming from a man that grew up so confused it drove him insane. I know that I should have the autonomy to make my own decisions but I can't seem to put the story together and it's creating a conflict in me. Please tell me if you relate. I don't want to bitch or moan. I'm trying to find a solution. This is action oriented.

This might be long but to summarise for those who dont want to read I am considering cutting off my entire family. I am conflicted since I worry that I might be harsh and making a false judgement. I want to be fair and don't want to unfairly treat someone who is blameless.

Basically, I highly suspect that my family is full of narcissists and sociopaths. They are asshole in the best of scenarios. My mother is beyond the pale and I have no relationship with her since she divorced my father when I was 5. To give you a backstory, she abused me heavily before ending up in a psych ward for the criminally insane. She used to trail me around while she had s3x with strangers right in front of me. She cut me right ear off with scissors while she was cutting my hair. Not sure why she didn't just take me to a barber. In case you ask, it was intentional. She used to sleep with this doctor and forced me to take naked pictures of her when I was 4. She would paint her body in the woods and hand me a camera. Then after she felt jilted by the doctor (probably cause she's insane) she passed by his practice and smashed the door with a brick. It was hell living with her after the divorce and mind you this happened after she took me away to another country. I don't want to specify which but I feel this is irrelevant to the topic. She started doing drugs and drinking heavily. She was smashing bottles against the wall and hanging out with all sorts of bad junkies. She once slapped a post officer and denied it when the cops came. We were always in trouble with the law... throughout all this I was raped by someone (can't remember) which probably created a deep shame given that I am male. All of this ended when she tried to burn her mother's house and called her a "hoe" and a "c***" right in front of me. Of course, the cops intervened and she was in psych for many years.

For all these abuses I am adamant and have been for a long time to cut contact with my mother. The issue is the rest of my family which I have more hesitation regarding.

My father picked me up from the orphanage and flew me back to his family's house in let's say somewhere on Africa. My family was generally nice to me but always sort of fake. When he first brought me in he once showed me a picture of himself when he was younger. I understand he was under a lot if stress during that period of his life such the trauma of his wife and looki g for work. But it doesn't excuse what he did. I refused to look and he threw me on the ground, kicked me in the ass as hard as he could and called me a "son of a hoe" as he hurled abuse at me. I was about 6 years old. He later went to another country for work and settled there. Left me with my grandma and aunt for 3 years.

Then one day I said I wanted to visit my father and he flew me in. He wasn't usually abusive but I always recall him being very cold and removed. Even clearly rejecting. I recall trying to hug him as a child and he would push me away or back away a step or two. Everything was formal and emotionless. No bond or rapport was made beyond a strict businesslike father-son "relationship". Usually no abuse but there was always manipulation, shouting, gaslighting and guilt trips. He used to say to me "I wish I could beat you up like my father did". Well, when I was 12 he smashed a car trunk on my head. Didn't apologise or anything, didn't even think to take me to the doctor. I don't know for sure if he is a narcissist but he's never been a very good father besides his financial commitment to me. In his defence, I would say he provided for me financially and I even got to study at prestigious universities on his dime. We're it not for him I wouldn't have had access to the career I have. But as I mentioned there was always some games he was playing.

Now we'll come to the crux of this whole thing and why I'm conflicted in going no contact. After enquiring many times about my childhood and my mother (mostly as an adult) I started to figure out that my family was hiding things from me. The picture I got as a child was that my mother was mentally ill and that's why my childhood was ###$ up. I started to figure out they hid things. I have no actual evidence but it became apparent that my family, including potentially my father, had abused my mother to the point of insanity. She may be a sociopath but we're it not for their treatment of her, she wouldn't have snapped the way she did and messed up my childhood so badly. My aunt once confessed that my mother sleeping around was revenge on my father. Therefore logically, he did something to harm her (What that is is not clear). My mother contacted me many times after I was 18 but there was never a relationship per se. Just abusive emails where she accuses me and my family of many injustices. Besides the crazy talk, she claims my family abused her and that my father stole from her, harmed her and slandered her. He kept her as a prisoner in her own house in Africa. I can't tell for sure if she's bring 100% truthful but it seems likely there is truth to her claims. I know they are lying about many things since they are always evasive and switch stories multiple times. They claim the divorce was civil but my memory as a child says otherwise. She pretty much ran away to Europe. It wasn't civil at all. Was pretty tumultuous to say the least.

I am convinced I need to cut my family off since I'm almost certain of their involvement. I do have conflict about my father since I'm not sure of his involvement and I feel obligation since he paid for my education. My family started treating me very poorly as of late since I suspect they know I found out about their crimes. Am I wrong if I cut my father off too? I have very little love for him but still feel obligation or guilt. He does help me out when I'm in trouble and "appears" to care when I'm in trouble. He cried once when I got in trouble recently with the law. But he still isn't very nice to me and lies and gaslights. It's difficult to know if he cares about me or he's just pretending like a narcissist would.

Please give me advice!

Edit: I can also add that my father used to bring hookers to the house and would even allow his friends to ###$ hookers in his bedroom on a school night.

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