Shame

I've had a few days of hard times, but I'm hanging in there. Recently, it was explained to me about 'shame' in how I feel about myself. I feel ashamed of myself in how I seem to criticize myself in just about everything. I look for kind people and I don't get that in many places. So it seems like I need to remind myself to be the first person to look to, to be kind and compassionate to myself. This was shared in therapy. I've never really looked at things this way, but it explains me in so many ways. Do you see this in yourself. Sort of like a self-sabotage type of thoughts that runs through your mind when you screw up? Doesn't matter what you feel you screwed up in, you just feel like you're worthless and a lost cause. That's what I immediately feel once I feel I made a mistake or I've not lived up to my own expectations or those of others expectations as well.

I look at things as "I just don't care." But I really do care, I just sort of resign myself to the fact that a lot of things such as my feelings of inferiority are not under my control. I have positive thoughts that follow, but it can take a day for me to start feeling better. This is the truth of how it affects me. It's like I'm programmed this way, to feel like this, to react this way, and to take this long to overcome myself, my negative self. What are your thoughts on this?

Firstly sending hugs. You do not deserve this crap you are a caring person who is a very positive model to many others.

Not quite the same but similar -sort of.

What I have experienced over the last 35 years is the realization that I have made an error. I have shot myself in the foot and for a short while I cannot understand why. Why do I do this again and again. It used to make me very angry with myself and very down on myself.

I now realize it is all related to my child abuse and self esteem issues and I can usually see the key moments when my programming kicked in and I have " lost" out. I no longer blame myself the way I did before but I am not happy either, as it usually involves a lesser outcome than should have been achieved. I used to get quite angry with myself and it was quite self destructive.

I am getting better at it but it still plays in my life.

Once you are aware of it you will get better at not beating yourself up, but it takes time. Better outcome give greater confidence gives greater happiness, gives greater options. They drop like dominoes.

Again, hope you bounce back soon.

Self-blame, self-criticism, self-sabotage are the calling cards of abuse. Takes effort to overcome them.

Consistent abuse alters the wiring in your brain. You don't see yourself or your role in the world as others do. Unfortunately the way things sometimes work out in the world, reinforces that negativity, and makes it seem valid. You just have to keep reminding yourself that it's not really true, it's just an artifact of the abuse.

But like Terry says, you are likely to see its influence when looking back at actions and decisions. It's those times that you need to be gentle with yourself. It's an on-going battle and you won't win every skirmish. No shame in that.

Thanks for the hugs, Terry.

I'm feeling better, but I recognize me battling self-criticism. It's like I'm not happy with myself. I still seem to seek approval so much.

Thanks Avatar, what you share is something I could use, the truth. It is what it is. And you're right, there's no shame in not winning every skirmish.

quietgirl2538 wrote:I look at things as "I just don't care." But I really do care

It is human nature to care but it's kind of zen like to not let things you can't change haunt you. You can't just be a stoic rock and not care about anything, but you can't let things in the past bother you. I am usually depressed ruminating about the past and how I messed up (although it's fun to reminisce about good times in the past), but thinking about the future makes me happy for the most part. The latest craze is mindfulness and just focusing on the present moment and being the best person you can be. Forgiving people that hurt me and asking for forgiveness for people I hurt makes me feel better too. Reminds me of the scene in Billy Madison where Adam Sandler calls Steve Buscemi and asks for forgiveness and Steve crosses his name off his hit list.

I think I just crossed a name off my hit list too. NO, no, I'm just kidding, of course! But it's good to be able to laugh things off and not let things from the past dominate your every thought.

I hear exactly where you are coming from as I do the same thing. I am my own worst critic. The self-talk can be hateful. Sometimes I manage to say it out loud without realizing it.
The friendships I have lost, the hurtful things that I have said and the stupid things that I have done that I can't take back or undo.
Like you, I tried to be apathetic and say I didn't care, but we do care. We are sensitive beings.

Many times I was intoxicated and don't remember what I said or did. Being out of control like that is more frightening now that it was at the time. How could I?
I am told that God has already forgiven me, why can't I forgive myself?
I was not responsible for having the diseases of alcoholism and addiction, but I am accountable for what I did while under the influence. I am responsible for keeping myself honest and following the Golden Rule in my daily behavior. I want to help others today, because others reached out to me to help when I was in dire straits.
We can't go back in time and change what we did in the past, we can only make amends and learn to be better people going forward.

Remembering how bad it used to be helps me see how much the blessing of recovery means to me and how much I've grown. One day at a time.
Best of luck to you.

Wally58 wrote:...I want to help others today, because others reached out to me to help when I was in dire straits.
We can't go back in time and change what we did in the past, we can only make amends and learn to be better people going forward.

Remembering how bad it used to be helps me see how much the blessing of recovery means to me and how much I've grown. One day at a time.
Best of luck to you.

Thank you and sending many hugs, Wally.