Family Guilt... I want to Leave

I grew up in an abusive household, I went through physical abuse for several years and experienced a few various sexual related traumas within the family. As an adult, I still have my family members in my life. However, I hold a lot of resentment towards them for the past, despite having not experienced abuse in over 5 years. The current family dynamic is to pretend we're one big "happy" family by never acknowledging or addressing our dysfunctional reality. I have never openly discussed how I feel, but my family make my skin crawl. I don't feel a familial connection with them. And often imagine myself cutting all ties with them when I am able to financially support myself enough to do so. I feel in many ways, they have ruined my life, destroyed my psychological wellbeing etc.
Despite all my current feelings of detachment and resentment towards them, I also carry a huge sense of guilt about this. As it's been years since I've directly experienced abuse. And I see them as though they are in ways, trying to "forge" some kind of normalcy, or family sentiment. My main abuser has also expressed regret and remorse for the way he treated me growing up.
I don't wish anything bad for my family. I often feel that they wish I were not so detached as I am. But I cannot escape feelings of disgust and estrangement from them whenever in their presence. I don't want to see them miserable. I actually wish they could live happy, joyous lives. I just don't want to be a part of that. I don't want to hear from them, see them, think about them. There are many unanswered questions I have about the nature of my relationship with my family. I have a lot of guilt about feeling that I cannot "forgive and forget"... I just want to disappear. I cannot help how I feel. I can't always understand why I cannot move past many things. I've always had this underlying belief that once I'm allowed to be alone, cutting complete contact, then I'll finally be "free" from the psychological weight that's constantly over me because of them.

Can anyone relate to this?

kzk10104 wrote:
I've always had this underlying belief that once I'm allowed to be alone, cutting complete contact, then I'll finally be "free" from the psychological weight that's constantly over me because of them.

Can anyone relate to this?

Yep the happy family thing, oh yeah, all of it. You have normal feelings, the fact you feel guilty is because you did not wind up twisted and super bitter. I will take guilty over bitter twisted. Other good thing is your awareness.

Now it has only been 5 years. At you age it seems like a long time, but it is not. Don't beat yourself up over not being what you think they want. Try and move past it, try and build fun and joy in your life.

I think you will be fine, but it does take time.

kzk10104 wrote:I don't wish anything bad for my family. I often feel that they wish I were not so detached as I am. But I cannot escape feelings of disgust and estrangement from them whenever in their presence. I don't want to see them miserable. I actually wish they could live happy, joyous lives. I just don't want to be a part of that. I don't want to hear from them, see them, think about them. There are many unanswered questions I have about the nature of my relationship with my family. I have a lot of guilt about feeling that I cannot "forgive and forget"... I just want to disappear. I cannot help how I feel. I can't always understand why I cannot move past many things. I've always had this underlying belief that once I'm allowed to be alone, cutting complete contact, then I'll finally be "free" from the psychological weight that's constantly over me because of them.

Can anyone relate to this?

Ayup. so much so that I made an account of my own to respond to this, so yes, I think there are many in the same position, not wanting revenge, restitution, or reparations but just to separate and make a clean break so that you can live your life. I can wholeheartedly say that I feel the same. you are not alone.