1st post - My story

Hi Everyone

First of all I just wanted to say that this is the first time I've actually said anything about this, I joined this forum because I am seeing a councillor on Monday and I'm afraid I'll not be able to talk or cancel.

I am 32 years old, I have 2 children and a husband. I should be happy but I am not...then I wonder why and it makes me feel worse for not 'enjoying' my little family.

When I was young - My mum had had a boyfriend. He was brilliant, we laughed, we played, he tickled me. He was like a proper dad to me. Now, I can't remember how old I was when it started (is that normal?) but I can tell you that I was wearing green cord trousers and that I was in junior school when I started being abused. He always used to smack my bum in a playful type way, but this time, he pulled my trousers down and did it. That then turned into him putting his hands down my trousers at every chance he got, to 'tickle me'. I don't know if I've blocked it out but I don't know how I felt, I just remember if anybody elses dad does that to them.

Anyway, he split up with my mum later on and started taking me fishing. He was like a dad to me and I still wanted him in my life. One day, when we were at his house, he took my trousers off and started licking me, down there. It hurt, his tongue was like sandpaper...I cried. He asked several times what was wrong and i said 'nothing'. I went home and said I don't want to go fishing anymore. Me and my brother carried on seeing him but I was messed up. He never did anything to me again after that day. We had some great times going to the cinema, playing snooker etc. it was fun.

When I was 13, I started cutting my arms. First with a pencil sharpener, then with glass and eventually a razorblade. I would put safety pins through my arm and press them when things got too much. One day I slit my wrist...I panicked and called my grandma. I told grandma what he did and had to have 6 stitches at the hospital. Apparently I was lucky to have only scraped my main vein.

When I got back home, I told my mum and my real dad, but at this point I was too scared to go to the police. My parents took a U turn and started saying things like 'if you tell us the truth, we won't be mad' and 'Why would you do something like this'. My mum didn't want to talk about it and that was the last time we spoke about it. I ddn't see my mums ex anymore.

Over the years, I've had my ups and downs, I've had moments where I've drunk too much or cut my arm but I haven't self harmed in over 10 years. I put things to the back of my mind and that's where they stayed.

Just recently though, I can't keep anything locked away in my head. It's like it's haunting me and I need to get rid of it. I wish I could delete the years where I was abused and just get on with life.
There's no reason for me to be thinking about it so much, so why hasn't it gone away?
Anyway, I'm seeing a councilor on Monday because my family deserves better, I need to fix myself so that I can have a proper loving relationship with my husband and my 2 beautiful children.

I am depressed most of the time and I don't like to be centre of attention. I have panic attacks and I only have sex to please my husband, I am numb to it.

Can anyone please help me? Is there anything I can do to make myself better?
I've never been able to talk about this, it is so difficult but it's eating me alive.

Thank you for reading xx

Right. First I am sorry you are here but this is a good place to come to right now. All stories are different but you are not alone. Abuse effects everything differently, but right about "now"seems to often be when everything that is right with us seems to go wrong. A few reach late 40s but seems to be late 20s to late 30s.

You know this is not your fault, you were a kid and you did what was right, but somehow knowing that and actually making it take away guilt and whole lot of issues (why did mum ever let that guy in the house, with was she not watching etc) seems to be near impossible.

It takes time, we often do it ourselves, with greater or lesser success, but having someone outside really helps. (as I am now fining out myself).

Does your husband know? Has he noticed that something is wrong? Can you tell him (at this stage not suggesting you do as you are so close to that counselor meeting ??

Anyway, try and attend that meeting and maybe touch base back here. Coming here often feels super painful but right now getting it out helps.

Take care.

Thank you for your reply Terry E.

My husband knows that I was structurally abuse and what happened with my parents but he sees things very black and white. A few years ago I told him i suffered with depression and he went distant because he took that to mean 'he makes me sad'. He doesn't seem to understand anything if he's not been in the situation but he's said i need to talk to someone as it will help. He's trying bless him.
I always tell him sex is good because i want him to be happy and i don't want him to worry. I think he may take offence if i tell him that i pretend I'm not there and think about the storyline of a random film!!
Is it normal to forget things? I'm hoping one day I can report it but I'm scared that they'll say I'm making it up as there's a few gaps in my story...

I actually think you are doing pretty well. If you can make him happy, in your relationship that is great. One our challenges is letting our loved ones know enough so they can be with us, and they other is being careful that we don't turn them in our counselors. I would try to tell my wife stuff so she could understand how I acted at times, and the look in her face was of enormous pain. I have learned other ways, one of them is being here.