Target Child / Scape Goat Child Abuse

I have to say when I selected my user name of "ScapeGoatChild" I was surprised it was available. I am a 56 year old woman who was chosen by my narcissistic parents to be the Scape Goat of the family. Scape Goat Child Abuse or Target Child Selection is I believe; the most common form of child abuse because it is the easiest form of abuse to get away with. We have all heard the term "Problem Child" or "Middle Child Syndrome" - these are labels applied to the abused child to excuse and enable the abusers.
IF authorities are notified about a suspected case of child abuse/neglect involving a Scape Goat / Target Child what investigators will find is what appears to be a normal family. The parents are charming and appear to be normal loving parents keeping a normal family home. The siblings will be healthy, happy (SPOILED but we will get to that later) well adjusted children and then there is the PROBLEM CHILD. The black sheep who has some sort of problem. Case closed.
I hear they are making a film based on the book "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer. I hope this film brings awareness to the practice of Target Child Selection.
If anyone would like to engage with me in a discussion about their experience with this type of CHILD ABUSE I would greatly appreciate sharing memories, thoughts, feelings and advice.

Hi, and welcome. I have read your other posts so am up to speed. This forum is very quiet, and many who do come here do it in a moment of crisis and then withdraw. we do however have a few who are helping others so you will get some traction.

I have seen what you describe continually, on these boards. I was not aware though that it had become a "fact". Amazing how the times are a changing.

We do see that in many cases for many reasons a mother may hate a daughter (because she envies her) but not a son, a son( because she reminds her of the man she hates) but not a daughter, the oldest (for taking away her dreams ) but not the youngest.

The "you are just like your father" is a come theme in women punishing young children, where the mother has fallen out of love with the father and blames the child for the life they lead. That one has often fatal consequences.

I like your - "to the outside world all is normal" statement. This one makes me worry a lot. So often here in Australia the extreme child abuse cases we see brought before the media are by the marginalized poor. Often having very little in guidance from their own childhoods and have spent too long frying the brain with alcohol and drugs. Abuse is not restricted to this socio economic group. I always say you never see the abuse from the smart parents, it is too well hidden.

I distinctly remember being told how much smarter my brother was, and how my mother had been told by her psychologist (paid for by her father) that I did not love her. Very cruel to say to any pre school child of course who never questions why their mother is being sent to a psychologist). I do remember honestly asking her a few years later why if my brother was so much brighter why was I topping the A class and he was in the B class. I also got a lot of you are like your father who I barely knew, which again you never question as you take it as fact. You almost grow up hating your own father because you feel you are punished worst because of him.

It is funny that stuff comes up. I did Uni part time and she kept paying for him to repeat his final year until he got into dentistry. He did year 12, 7 times !!! Yeah that is mother determined not to be wrong..

Thank you for your response.
A friend of mine is a Psychologist and works in Kankakee County Illinois for the Department of Children and Family Services. She has worked there for 9 years and is now working on her PHD at Northwestern University. The theme of her Thesis is "Target Child Abuse and Effects on Family and Society" (or very similar wording).
Through her studies and experience she and other colleagues have concluded that Scape Goat Abuse is the most common form of Child Abuse to get away with, not that it is the most common form of abuse. (my original post was worded to suggest that but I digress)
Some of the more interesting findings of Beth's research is that the Golden Children; those singled out for "worship" by the parent who abuses one child are actually harmed even more so than the Target Child. According to her research the Golden Child will develop a Narcissistic and some times even a Sociopath personality. The Golden Child grows up feeling entitled, superior, special and lacks empathy and compassion for others.
And it is not only Narcissistic mothers who single out one child for abuse but the practice is also engaged in by fathers as well.
In my case:
My mother trapped my father with a pregnancy in order to get out of her parents home and establish a life of her own. She made no bones about the fact that this was indeed her master plan. To quote her advice to her own daughters (we were 7 and 12 and 13 at the time) "You find a man who can provide you with a house a car and a couple kids and when the kids enter school you divorce the guy, keep the house the car and the kids and he pays to support you." If she had not gotten pregnant with my youngest sister her plan may have played out that way but she ended up waiting another 7 years to get her divorce and by that time everything was split 50/50 in divorces....she was a VERY bitter and angry woman.
Another quote of my mother is to tell me on numerous occasions that when my sister was 4 months old and she found out she was pregnant with me she was "DEVASTATED". My sister was 10 months old when I was born and my mother was overwhelmed. Baby #1 was sleeping through the night and I had colic and cried constantly. My father would bang the crib against the wall and strike me (at the age of 2 weeks) and cream "SHUT UP SHUT UP!!" so my mother would put me in the bouncy chair and take me to downstairs to the furthest room in th house and leave me there to scream it out. "I couldn't be up all night with YOU I had a baby to take care of during the day!" She would tell me with no remorse.
Thank God there was a kind older neighbor lady who agreed to care for me all day from the age of 1 week. This was before the process of bonding between mother and infant was understood. I bonded with Mrs. V and on occasions when in my mother's care I cried inconsolably she would bring me to Mrs. V and as soon as I was in V's arms I stopped crying. My mother told me this with such resentment - I rejected HER.
As a parent abuses their target child they will compensate by over indulging and spoiling the other child "See, this one LOVES me!" They actually start believing there is something bad or wrong with the child they are neglecting and abusing. It's THE CHILD'S FAULT!
My father told me numerous times that had I been born a BOY it would have spared him the humiliation of having TWO babies born in one year "like some sort of trashy Catholic!" he would say.
My father worshiped, spoiled and adored my older sister and my mother worshiped, spoiled and adored my younger sister. Both of these sisters grew up witnessing the emotionally and physically abusive way I was treated and they too engaged in viewing and treating me as I was lesser than them, I was bad and wrong and never right. My sisters vehemently defended my parents because, like I said before, THEY were treated wonderfully by my abusers.
My sisters went to college and I was told to "go get a job" I was held to a different standard, punished severely for any infraction perceived or real and made to do all of the chores while my sisters were never held accountable for anything.
At the age of 46 I finally stopped bending over backwards to win their approval. I stopped trying to plead my case that I was still being treated unfairly and deserved to be treated with the same love, tolerance and respect they gave to each other. Actually it was the fact that my own children were treated like crap while my sister's children were worshiped adored and spoiled. THAT is when it really started to hurt and I shut the door and walked away.
After quite a few years I made the mistake of allowing my "family" back in and it turned out HORRIBLY for me and my family. I am going through the same process I did years ago when I made the decision to put them out of my lives but it's not easy. I fight the feeling of wanting them to acknowledge the past abuse, recognize their need to change and to view me through a different lens. I have many many life long and new friends, neighbors and coworkers who know that I am a caring, kind, hard working, generous, good and decent person. I have always been responsible, respectful and have never engaged in criminal activity or drugs despite my father's RANTS during his beat downs of me that I was going to be a prostitute and a drug addict.
What I hope to do here is to communicate with others who have survived the experience of being their family's Scape Goat. I want people to know they are not alone, it was not their fault, they do not deserve to be abused and that unfortunately their family will never change. I want to develop a place where victims of Scape Goat / Target Child Abuse can come for understanding and encouragement to take control of their lives and leave the past behind them.

ScapeGoatChild wrote:A friend of mine is a Psychologist ....... her PHD at Northwestern University. The theme of her Thesis is "Target Child Abuse and Effects on Family and Society"

I would love to read it


According to her research the Golden Child will develop a Narcissistic and some times even a Sociopath personality.
The Golden Child grows up feeling entitled, superior, special and lacks empathy and compassion for others.

My brother is a Dentist, can't work with anyone can't live with anyone.. and will die alone and poor never having met anyone as smart as he is ...


My mother trapped my father with a pregnancy in order to get out of her parents home and establish a life of her own. She made no bones about the fact that this was indeed her master plan. To quote her advice to her own daughters (we were 7 and 12 and 13 at the time) "You find a man who can provide you with a house a car and a couple kids and when the kids enter school you divorce the guy, keep the house the car and the kids and he pays to support you." If she had not gotten pregnant with my youngest sister her plan may have played out that way but she ended up waiting another 7 years to get her divorce and by that time everything was split 50/50 in divorces....she was a VERY bitter and angry woman.

I think this story is more common of that generation than we think


Thank God there was a kind older neighbor lady who agreed to care for me all day from the age of 1 week. This was before the process of bonding between mother and infant was understood. I bonded with Mrs. V and on occasions when in my mother's care I cried inconsolably she would bring me to Mrs. V and as soon as I was in V's arms I stopped crying. My mother told me this with such resentment - I rejected HER.

I am glad you had someone... how long were they around for you to draw support from


My sisters went to college and I was told to "go get a job" I was held to a different standard, punished severely for any infraction perceived or real and made to do all of the chores

at the time did you question yourself on this or just did it because it was "so"


I have many many life long and new friends, neighbors and coworkers who know that I am a caring, kind, hard working, generous, good and decent person. I have always been responsible, respectful and have never engaged in criminal activity or drugs despite my father's RANTS during his beat downs of me that I was going to be a prostitute and a drug addict.

What I hope to do here is to communicate with others who have survived the experience of being their family's Scape Goat. I want people to know they are not alone, it was not their fault, they do not deserve to be abused and that unfortunately their family will never change. I want to develop a place where victims of Scape Goat / Target Child Abuse can come for understanding and encouragement to take control of their lives and leave the past behind them.

I am hoping that this will get more traction too

Can I ask if you started to hate your sisters and if so at what age?

I know that for many people in these situations we are told to get rid of our anger, hatred, forgive etc. (hold hands sit in a circle and sing "kum-bi-ah") but as I have never been able to do the professional counseling bit I have navigated this on my own. For my brother I have said before that if I saw him dying in the street I would get a drink and some crisps find a comfortable place to sit and watch.

My brother when I was 10 drowned our 10 week old Mini Daschund in our laundry tub. I begged my mother to stop him but she did not and stopped me going into the laundry to try and save it. She said it would be alright. I still remember seeing the pup dead, and not believing what I was seeing. My mother to avoid questions went out and got a replacement as old as she could not match it. This poor pup was the proverbial runt and no one had wanted her. She was also much more difficult to house train as she was 4 weeks older than the other one. When she inevitably spoiled in the house my mother followed me around with a heavy cane and beat me every time I stopped crying as I did my chores, as punishment for not caring for this dog. What happened to my brother .. nothing.

I think it all was about him not being aloud to play with one of his expensive hobbies which I was lead to believe I may have some money towards when it was my time when I was older .. which I think I had already worked out by 10 that it would never come. Spoiled indulged and broken by 12.

I wish I could say that was the worse that happened but as many here know she fostered in him a narcissistic personality. As his life has not turned out quite like she had lead him to believe, she now hides from him and although he withdrew from her for 10 years she has now hidden from him for the next 10. She is scared he will kill her.

Happy postscript and I am not religious. My mother had my first two dogs put down when they reacted to her after seeing us being constantly beaten. My brother killed our 3rd.

When my wife and family moved onto acreage we bought two Jack Russell-X . I saved their lives 4 times. 4 different times I just happened to be around when they were either dying and found them or in critical situations at critical times. It seemed that whatever it was, being skewered by a chain link fence, hit by cars x 2, or battles with deadly snakes I somehow arrived at that critical time. They both reached a nice old age.

I wish to thank you for your candor and honesty and hope that what you have opened up to here helps you find better peace of mind.

If you can, could you answer four questions.

The first is simple. Would you describe your mother as Narcissistic ??

In public did they hide their discriminatory behaviour, or did they take opportunities to humiliate you ? (In my case only rarely but very badly with her own family - she was isolated from the outside world )

Did your maternal paternal grandparents treat you any different ?

Finally the hard one. Do you think your mother selected your father for her specific goal (marry/kids/leave) or just grab the first guy she could. It appears that they disliked each other but created this mutual bond of focusing and expressing this dislike into you. Did they also rage against each other at times violently.

I apologise if I appear to intrude, but although i have a folder of obscure scientific research on CA, I have found that anecdotal research has allowed me to help many others.

ScapeGoatChild wrote:I have to say when I selected my user name of "ScapeGoatChild" I was surprised it was available. I am a 56 year old woman who was chosen by my narcissistic parents to be the Scape Goat of the family. Scape Goat Child Abuse or Target Child Selection is I believe; the most common form of child abuse because it is the easiest form of abuse to get away with. We have all heard the term "Problem Child" or "Middle Child Syndrome" - these are labels applied to the abused child to excuse and enable the abusers.
IF authorities are notified about a suspected case of child abuse/neglect involving a Scape Goat / Target Child what investigators will find is what appears to be a normal family. The parents are charming and appear to be normal loving parents keeping a normal family home. The siblings will be healthy, happy (SPOILED but we will get to that later) well adjusted children and then there is the PROBLEM CHILD. The black sheep who has some sort of problem. Case closed.
I hear they are making a film based on the book "A Child Called It" by Dave Pelzer. I hope this film brings awareness to the practice of Target Child Selection.
If anyone would like to engage with me in a discussion about their experience with this type of CHILD ABUSE I would greatly appreciate sharing memories, thoughts, feelings and advice.

It wasn't until my teen years that I became the target child. Before that I was happy and carefree. I became a very nervous person always afraid of not being or acting "just right." Not knowing if I was approved in how I acted because I got so much criticism from my mom. She was a single mom. I really do blame her for having my dad divorce her because she was such a hard person to get along with. Even if he tried to get along for the sake of the children, she just managed to make his life miserable. I had an older sister who was jealous of me since I was a young kid. She managed to make my mom feel such guilt over this and when my mom did end up getting angry at me, she'd confide in my sister as if she were her best friend and I'd be mocked and have to hear her tell my sister how bad of a kid I was and how I was inadequate and how I was no good. I had to hear all of this because I'd be in the next room, in trouble. I was an A student and excelled in different things. I was not allowed to have friends over or to even call them. I couldn't have anyone call me either. I was prohibited to do many things. I now know why I was so sad and life seemed so bleak. I ran away many times only to be forced to return to a bad life. I hated my mom and her treatment of me when I got older, much older. My mind began to see how bad a person she was. She was not just a bad mother, but she was a bad person. I cannot find it in me to allow her into my life anymore. Because of this I have stopped talking to a brother recently because he wants to force me to have her in my life at least for the sake of appearing like a family. I refused so I asked him to get out of my business and to stop telling me how to live my life. He said he would not stop giving his input, so I said goodby to him, for good. Because he has no idea of what she put me through or how I had to live a life under her bad treatment. So, I have them both out of my life. I still do call my mom a few times out of the year. But reminders of who she is always manage to help me to not feel bad about doing what is best for me. I have many different feelings about her. Sometimes I feel sad, other times, I feel like I can forgive, other times I feel such anger or hurt, but I know I have to do whatever it is I feel is best for me. No one else will take care of me, so I have to step up to the plate and take care of me, like I would take care of my own child. I have to be my own mom. Since mine wasn't a mom to me. That's the truth of the situation.

Thank you for your post. I can relate as I was the middle child and the scapegoat. My older brother (firstborn, and a son), and my younger sister (the blonde, blue-eyed baby) were the Golden Children, especially my sister. My dad abused us all equally, but my mom (who should have been the protector), doted on "the baby", and let me think I was the problem child. I learned many years later that she always resented me because, according to her, I was the only one who fought back against and stood up to my dad. Yay, me. Sigh.

Whole lives, and even the next generation, can be ruined by this type of abuse. And yes, it's quite easy to hide when it's just one "problem child". Ha! I got straight A's in school, kept my room clean, etc, but apparently I didn't just take my dad's crap so I was a "problem". I'm glad your friend is helping to bring attention to this type of abuse.

My mom is not diagnosed a Narcissist, but she has many traits of that Personality Disorder from it's definition. She was the "Golden Child" when she was raised by my grandma, as my aunt told me. She thinks she's beautiful and just so pretty, even though to me she is ugly and does not have nice features. She thinks her skin color is beyond beautiful, she believes that to this day. My mom is not a beautiful woman, she's not pretty and I've seen much prettier women, but you will never have her believe that. I think I am biased in this belief because she's such a bad mother to me, even to this day. My siblings don't really understand much about how bad she treated me, they refuse to. And I stand up for myself, willingly to lose all of them in my life, if I had to. I don't care anymore. I don't need nor want family who will only do to me, what she did to me. I refuse to move from that position. My siblings are all like her in having narcissistic personality traits. An acorn who does not fall far from the tree. That's what they all are. They deserve each other. And I say that with a sarcastic and spiteful meaning. I sometimes just hate them all. People are not able to understand why I feel like this, but that's not their fault, and so long as they don't try to tell me how to feel or what to do, they are fine by me. I stopped trying to convince others of a truth I know, which is that my mom is a bitch of a mother and person.

I have been having internet problem and have not been able to get online and stay online.
Thank you to all who posted on this thread!
My parents were both narcissists. Attractive, charming and outgoing in public but brooding sulking abusers TO ME behind closed doors.
People in the past who said anything about the abusive way I was treated were soon GONE from our lives.
My sisters are both narcissists who think they are never wrong, they are special and that anyone who disagrees with them is WRONG. No difference of opinion is tolerated and they can be smug and condescending. My younger sister is a narcissistic sociopath and will do ANYTHING and hurt ANYONE in order to get attention. She has always taken a sadistic pleasure in tormenting me and she can be so volatile, aggressive and vindictive that everyone has always walked on eggshells around her. As a matter of fact, when I was 25 and she was 20 she and my mother wanted to be present when I gave birth to the first grandchild (my husband's side too). Stupid me thought they wanted to be there to support ME but in actuality there was a MAJOR EVENT going on and they wanted to be a part of IT. I had told my sisters how I had practiced and thought of what I would say to our father (who wanted boys boys boys and had 3 daughters) if I had a boy. He had always told me I was worthless and stupid and a disappointment ETC. I was hopeful I could be a good daughter and give him a grandson..... So I had my 10 pound baby boy, it took the Dr. about 10 minutes to "wrap things up" and I picked up the phone to make a collect call to my father. When he answered the phone he yelled "IT'S A BOY IT''S A BOY YOUR SISTER JUST CALLED ME!!" I was beyond devastated. HOW DARE SHE STEAL MY LIFE MOMENT! She was 20 she wasn't a stupid kid, she did that on purpose because I was not to ever have ANYTHING. No joy, no success, nothing. I hung up the phone and cried. My husband tried to console me and then he called HIS PARENTS (who met my sister a few weeks earlier when she and my mother showed up at the big baby shower empty handed!) My sister had called My HUSBAND'S PARENTS! Not only did she rob ME, she robbed my husband AND his parents of that one special life moment. My husband's parents were angry and disappointed that they did not hear from their SON what the sex of their first grandchild was. THAT is how EVIL my narcissistic sociopath sister is. AND when I expressed my anger and displeasure over this HATEFUL ACT to my father and my sister they all immediately got hysterical and DEFENDED MY SISTER! "OH no Mary don't say anything! Don't START A FIGHT with your sister!!" I said nothing to her about it, ever.

Terry E. - I started to hate my younger sister when she was about 3 and would LIE to my parents that I had "slapped her" and stand and watch with a sadistic grin on her face as my parents yelled at me hit me and made me apologize to her. I started to hate my older sister when I was about 10 and she would yell at me and blame me for the beatings my father would give me. "why do you make him do that?!" she would snarl at me as I put cold water on my swollen face.

Both parents were narcissists and thought they were perfect and special.

My mother was careful not to be openly abusive to me in public but my father would say bad things about and embarrass me in public.

My paternal grandparents did not live in America so I never saw them. My maternal grandparents had kids my "age" so there was no special treatment towards myself or my sisters, we were just a bunch of kids. (my grandmother had her 6th and last child 2 months after my older sister was born)

My mother saw that my father had a successful business and had money, that was why she chose him. They did fight a lot and I overheard some pretty aggressive screaming arguments. Most of them were due to the fact that my mother was a packrat who did not like to clean and our house was always a cluttered, filthy, smelly disgusting mess. My father worked 14 hour days running his business and my mother did not work - at anything apparently because our house was a PIT.
Of course there was no "love" between them, she got pregnant immediately, he married her because of it.

I am 56 years old and still struggle to fight the stigma of being considered to be some sort of loser trash can for my family to dump on. I can't go into detail but right now I am forced to "deal with" them and as soon as this unfortunate issue I find myself in is resolved I will SLAM THE DOOR SHUT again.

quietgirl2538 wrote:My mom is not diagnosed a Narcissist, but she has many traits of that Personality Disorder from it's definition. She was the "Golden Child" when she was raised by my grandma, as my aunt told me. She thinks she's beautiful and just so pretty, even though to me she is ugly and does not have nice features. She thinks her skin color is beyond beautiful, she believes that to this day. My mom is not a beautiful woman, she's not pretty and I've seen much prettier women, but you will never have her believe that. I think I am biased in this belief because she's such a bad mother to me, even to this day. My siblings don't really understand much about how bad she treated me, they refuse to. And I stand up for myself, willingly to lose all of them in my life, if I had to. I don't care anymore. I don't need nor want family who will only do to me, what she did to me. I refuse to move from that position. My siblings are all like her in having narcissistic personality traits. An acorn who does not fall far from the tree. That's what they all are. They deserve each other. And I say that with a sarcastic and spiteful meaning. I sometimes just hate them all. People are not able to understand why I feel like this, but that's not their fault, and so long as they don't try to tell me how to feel or what to do, they are fine by me. I stopped trying to convince others of a truth I know, which is that my mom is a bitch of a mother and person.

You would be correct to walk away and shut the door on people who believe they are better than you and you are lesser than them.
Nothing you ever say or do will convince the narcissistic golden children that they did or are doing anything wrong. As far as they are concerned YOU are the one with the problem. What I said to my "family" years ago was "if I'm such a horrible messed up LOSER then why would you want me in your life?!"
WHY? I'll tell you why, because narcissists are deep down very insecure unhappy people. Dominating their Scape Goat makes them feel superior and powerful. Dealing $#%^ to the Scape Goat will always be encouraged and rewarded among the circle of abusers.
The best revenge you can get with a narcissist is IGNORING THEM and living your own happy life.
The only thing they will ever contribute to your life is negativity, hostility and condescension, abusive behavior that makes you feel bed.
No apologies needed, no explination. For your own sanity SHUT THE DOOR on your abusers.
Good luck and happy life!

-- Thu Sep 07, 2017 1:15 pm --

WhatsMyDxAgain wrote:Thank you for your post. I can relate as I was the middle child and the scapegoat. My older brother (firstborn, and a son), and my younger sister (the blonde, blue-eyed baby) were the Golden Children, especially my sister. My dad abused us all equally, but my mom (who should have been the protector), doted on "the baby", and let me think I was the problem child. I learned many years later that she always resented me because, according to her, I was the only one who fought back against and stood up to my dad. Yay, me. Sigh.

Whole lives, and even the next generation, can be ruined by this type of abuse. And yes, it's quite easy to hide when it's just one "problem child". Ha! I got straight A's in school, kept my room clean, etc, but apparently I didn't just take my dad's crap so I was a "problem". I'm glad your friend is helping to bring attention to this type of abuse.

You are correct about generations being effected by this type of abuse. My father was the youngest of three boys - he was mother's favorite and could do no wrong. He was handsome, charming and charismatic. He also was sadistically abusive to his older brother, the skinny unattractive shy middle child. My father's oldest brother was daddy's favorite and got anything and everything he wanted. He was also abusive to the middle brother. Both older and younger brother had a constant need for attention and praise, the middle brother had to do all the dirty work and he was the one who bent over backwards trying to please and be accepted.
My father's father came from the same kind of abusive family. My grandfather was the baby, mommy's favorite and his oldest brother was daddy's favorite. The brother in the middle was so picked on and abused that my grandfather actually stabbed his brother to death when he was 17.
This archaic and brutal type of establishing a "pecking order" is uncivilized, like a pack of wild dogs. Humans should be better than that.