Affects on adulthood when abused as a child?

Hi, I've signed up to this forum because I havent been myself lately. I will try not to write a lot as I think it will derail your interest.

I am 36yr old male. When I was about 16yrs old, i have a memory of visiting my aunt and uncle. I would travel to see them to another state with my parents. One time my uncle, who is a husband of my dads sister, asked me to play chess with him in another room of the house. To make a long story short, he would slip his hand slowly under my shorts and would play with my private parts as we played chess, sitting on a bed. Due to shock and confusion, I didnt know what to do or how to react. I didnt have a girlfriend yet and never been with a girl. Considering all this, I think it also felt good.

I dont remember much about rest of the trip or how i felt. As years have passed by into my adulthood, i am getting memory flashes of me spending a night at their house when parents left town when i was about 5-7 years old. And starting to remember this uncle sleeping with me in the same bed as his wife worked as a nurse at night. And remember him doing all the similar things. I dont think there was intercourse as i would definetely remember that.

I am starting to think this has gone on for longer periods of time and I just cant recollect all of it. For some reason its all blury. For some reason it never actually bothered me either. Only in the past 8 years I am giving this a thought and starting to realize what happened. The uncle lives on another side of the country now and i havent seen them for about 15 years. I cant picture even lookinv or talking to him now.

I live a normal life, married and kids. But I am afraid to get attached and love someone. I am not good at forming close relationships, although I want them. I am somewhat social but lately have a social anxiety. I had/have a group of friends but lately getting more withdrawn from them. I get dissapointed in every small things they do that i dont like. I feel everyone is so selfish and only looking out for their interest. Also withdrawn from my wife. Its causing issues in our marriage. Things dont excite me as much as they used to either. I love my parents but they are almost 40yrs older and I feel distant from them as well.

How can I tell if my memories of my uncle is the reason of who I am today? I am just so lost and dont know what I want from life. Kids are the only bright spot in my life as they are so innocent and loving. Sometimes i just want to say screw it all and go on some drug binge.

Speaking with a therapist or counselor might help you. It helped me. I drank for years over the 'shame' of having my 'privates' violated and being asked to touch other's privates until I got help with it.
I was stuck in many juvenile routines and behaviors that I could not seem to get past. Secrets can damage you and keep you from being the person you can be.
Treatment for anxiety and depression after getting sober got me fairly stable and I was finally able to move on with an adult life.
The counselors suggested that my personality stopped developing after I starting drinking at age 14.
I have never been able to get really close to someone. Never had children. I was 46 years old when I got married, but it wasn't what I thought it would be. I'm close to my cat, I've always had cats since I was able to. They don't judge me.
I have disturbing memories and the subsequent fetishes that I am very ashamed of. I didn't choose them, they chose me. Keeping myself busy and distracted keeps my mind off them.
It is good to talk it out with safe people, especially ones who have been through a similar trauma. They understand what you went through and what you are now going through.
It can be triggered or come back to haunt you at any stage of life, years later. I learned more from group support than individual counseling once I was able to get past the stigma. It was also more affordable.
Best of luck to you.