Getting the abuse off of my chest.

The first instance of abuse I remember was unfortunately also one of my earliest memories. My dad beat me with a belt until i was purple and blue on my leg. Afterwards I put on a pair of shorts so they could see how he beat me. When my mother saw the bruises she said, "Why did you hit her that hard?" and he said, "I didn't know I did." and that was the end of that. It saddens me to know that that is one of my earliest memories, and to this day I still have no idea what I did.

As I grew up I had many more beatings but I can't really remember all of them, I guess it really wasn't something I wanted to remember.

Another time my father choked me in my bedroom, while my mother walked by with a basket of laundry. I know she heard me choking, and yet she walked by and didn't even look at me. Again, I don't know what I did to deserve that.

My mother was a bystander to my abuse as a child, but eventually she became the abuser when I got older.

She moreso emotionally abused me, and that hurt worse than any physical abuse I ever recieved.

She told my best friend's (and only friend in high school) mother that he was gay on his 18th birthday. She found out he was gay by telling me if he was that she would let me hang out with him.. then she used that information to hurt his mother, him, and obviously me.

Once in high school, I went to Mexico with a friend.. I was excited to come home, and even brought my family gifts to which my mother said, "the candy is contaminated and that she was happier when I was gone.

My mother took down my picture and left my three brothers up.

She destroyed my baby book.

She cut up all my clothes that i bought and paid for by working full time in high school while maintaining my grades and taking a college course that I also paid for.

She told me to get off the computer for no reason even though I paid the telephone, internet, and cable bill.

Every morning I would wake up to my mother in the living room talking to one of my brothers about how horrible I was. It made me not want to wake up so I slept in often. One night I decided to take a whole bunch of pills.. I tried to lay down I guess in an attempt to kill myself but my brother came in my room.. I got mad and yelled at him and tried to close the door.. then my mother started yelling at me.. finally I broke down crying saying I took a bunch of pills and she began hitting me and kicking me and telling me if i'm going to die I need to go die in the other room. then she told my brother and I to start walking and hope someone picks us up and takes me to the hospital.. finally she picked us up and called her meth head bf and asked him what she should do.. after we arrived at the hospital she made me sign the document and said "you're 18 you can pay for this now." after getting taken back I had a tube put in my nose and charcoal pumped in my stomach and began throwing up.. before I threw up i felt like i was dying and grabbed my mothers hand. after i was finished throwing up a guy interviewed me and asked me questions about my home life to which my mother responded that my father had beaten her (which was true) however she failed to mention anything she had done. then the doctor asked if i tried to kill my self... i said no twice then my mother said "no you did" then the doctor got mad and huffed and said "that's not what you said." then a police officer came and arrested me and took me to a mental hospital..

there were other instances of abuse by my mother but these are the significant instances that I remember that have really affected me. is it possible for me to ever move on from this? I am happily married with a beautiful daughter that i love deeply and am happy to say I have never and could never hurt her. I love her more than I love myself.. I live in a beautiful house and have a nice car.. my husband provides everything for me.. more than i deserve really.. Will I ever feel whole %100? Do I deserve to? I feel like the answer should be yes, but I cant say I believe it. The truth is I dont really like my self because most of my family didnt like me.. not even my mother.. so how can i be likeable? From the outside I do and say nice things, i'm a nice person, and yet again I dont like me. I often hear my inner voice saying mean things to which i make it towards me and strangely it makes me feel better.. like me being mean to me makes me feel comfortable..

theblacksheep09 wrote:

I am happily married with a beautiful daughter that i love deeply and am happy to say I have never and could never hurt her. I love her more than I love myself.. I live in a beautiful house and have a nice car.. my husband provides everything for me.. more than i deserve really..
okay please never say that again here. You have a great husband because you are great !!!

Will I ever feel whole %100?
you can be fine, but for some of us it means a slightly modifies social model.

Do I deserve to? I feel like the answer should be yes, but I cant say I believe it. The truth is I don't really like my self because most of my family didnt like me.. not even my mother.. so how can i be likeable?

The biggest damage to us is to our self esteem.

From the outside I do and say nice things, i'm a nice person, and yet again I don't like me.
that is an abnormal response to an abnormal life

I often hear my inner voice saying mean things to which i make it towards me and strangely it makes me feel better.. like me being mean to me makes me feel comfortable..

that is so sad !!

theblacksheep09 wrote:is it possible for me to ever move on from this? I am happily married with a beautiful daughter that i love deeply and am happy to say I have never and could never hurt her. I love her more than I love myself.. I live in a beautiful house and have a nice car.. my husband provides everything for me.. more than i deserve really.. Will I ever feel whole %100? Do I deserve to? I feel like the answer should be yes, but I cant say I believe it. The truth is I dont really like my self because most of my family didnt like me.. not even my mother.. so how can i be likeable? From the outside I do and say nice things, i'm a nice person, and yet again I dont like me. I often hear my inner voice saying mean things to which i make it towards me and strangely it makes me feel better.. like me being mean to me makes me feel comfortable..

Firstly I want to say you are definitely equally deserving of all good things in life as anyone else. I have experienced child abuse among other things as well, but definitely not as bad as yours. However, I hope you can afford hiring a therapist because I don't think this will get better on its own. And please keep a safe distance from your family, I have improved a lot after I started living in a different city than my family was and started muting their texts/hanging up their phone calls. Best of luck!