Married to a survivor

My dear wife of 37 years, was away for 7 weeks recently. Longest break from each other in 38 years. While away the home was quiet, very quiet, I loved it. I would function extremely well alone, not sure I would be as happy. I did some of my usual research and looked at couples. Found the ideal was "stable + stable", but one of the next was for two survivors, male "avoidant" + female "anxiety disruptive". This surprised me, I could see her as "anxiety", but disruptive, ridiculous. (By this stage my oldest son, her travelling companion and her, had their 3rd major row and I had researched how much it would cost to get her home on the next plane. )

At a party before Christmas I was talking to my niece (another survivor - failed marriage to my brother in law lead her mother to marry a "classic, emotional low level physical abuser. )My niece is now 25 and is healing nicely, she appreciates my input as I am about the only person she confides in about that part of her life. I mentioned "disruptive" to her and she rolled her eyes and said "I can see it".

Since then it has been quite a trip down memory lane. So many times in public, whether they be, hospitals, restaurants, many of those, .. hotels, many of those .. and many ex friends. It is all there I could just never see it. From my childhood perspective those incidents were just things I worked around and through. (she has a list of local cafes and changes from them after incidents with staff and owners. With staff she stays away for about 6 months before going back).

The advantage to me was we had no social group, so I did not have to socialise. The advantage to her is I am very stable (I have a limit, but much more stable than most) and nothing unsettles me. Knives baseball bats, gangs of youths, nothing. Also don't have any inbuilt "social norms", and few needs. Enough to eat, a quiet place to sleep.

Avoidant + disruptive, is quite a ride but works. (apparently best if male is avoidant not the other way around). Of course stable + stable (whatever that is) also works ..

Amazing how often survivors match up, often never knowing of the others past.

"nothing unsettles me. Knives baseball bats, gangs of youths, nothing. Also don't have any inbuilt "social norms", and few needs."

Oh boy. I so relate.

Somehow, I feel I would be disappointed with life if I did not end up hooking up in a few years with an abuse survivor. It seems to me that I'm specifically looking out for these kind of women when I attempt to reach out emotionally over the emotional barricade I now live within.

Conventional dating now feels so rough. I'd rather get drunk and look out for the not-yet-alcohoolic women who also get drunk for the wrong reasons.

Nothing unsettles me. Somewhat unfortunately, by the way.

That cynicism and that negativity weirdly entwined with "hope" seems to be both a curse and a blessing.

Polly I went to a Survivors workshop a few years ago. I was amazed at how most of us at at least one time had partnered up with a survivor.My wife had no idea about me until I was married and we had a son. She knew my family was a little strange but not the dark secrets. The little things we do that put off others seemed fine to us.

Mea while I feel like a storm to my wife's calm oceans.I worry I abuse her. She's so normal and calm. Yet things still unsettle her. Our cat bit us and now she cries when the cat gets too fast or to close, and I just tilt my head in amazement. She still likes Christmas and gets her homework done quickly. She wakes up happy. She trusts other people. When she smiles it's real. She baffles the $#%^ out of me and I to her. My storms batter her. They rock her boats. When I stare onto space she looks over her shoulder as if my dissociation are mere glances. When I panic at nothing she just tilts her head in amazement. She scolds me for my inability to get the assignments in on time. Stable plus survivor does not mesh as well as it should. Sometimes she is my cane. Other times I feel I huff and I puff and I blow her the ###$ away