Not sure what my point is...

I've been lurking here a long time, and I've read a lot of abuse stories that were just horrific. And sometimes I feel like I'm overreacting to my childhood abuse because it wasn't nearly as bad as some of the stuff that I've read here. And then I feel invalidated and then I get mad....

But that's not really the point I'm trying to make. I guess what I'm saying is that it seems to me as if the people who have undeniably horrific childhoods which were bad enough for them to be taken away by CPS, and then endure the foster care system, etc..... those people are "recognized" by society at large as having been "really screwed" and deserving of societal help, but me? I feel like my childhood abuse was more "invisible" ( somewhat higher income, highly educated, not reported to CPS because "wealthy people don't abuse their kids?")... I feel like my abuse was not movie script bad, but certainly horrible enough to ###$ me up for the rest of my life. But I feel like people don't get it.

My sadistic father got his jollies by spanking his female children with a belt while they were tied naked to his bed. And then holding them (naked) in his lap afterwards, rubbing them all over, and telling them what good little girls they were and how much he loved them. I wet the bed for as long as I can remember until I was about 12 or 13 years old. So one day when I'm about 12 he decides to rub toothpaste on my clitoris to "teach me not to wet the bed anymore". Trust me, toothpaste on your clitoris at 12 years old is not fun. I distinctly remember him telling me afterwards that it was our secret and not to tell my mom. As cliché as that is. I didn't even understand that it was molestation until I was around 20 years old. Many years later (around age 20) when I did tell hmy mom she acted upset, but then when I mentioned it many years after that (maybe age 25) she acted like it was the first time she'd heard about it. So yeah, my mom and me have some issues too. She was very emotionally abusive to me and often physically abusive too (slapping, hair pulling, pushing down, etc). When she wasn't knocking me around or yelling at me she was ignoring me. Oh yeah, she is a hoarder too, so imagine the nastiest, filthiest household that you can imagine, to grow up in. Never being able to let anyone over, or even answer the door when someone showed up unexpectedly (google "doorbell dread"). The shame is indescribable.

On top of that they molded me into a "victim" who invited bullies at school. I was tormented from kindergarten to high school.

Bottom line, my childhood was pretty violent, dismissive, sadistic, fearful, shameful, etc. all while my father maintained a government position and was relatively respected by his peers.

Anyway, does anyone out there feel as if their abuse was invisible?

I was the kid so my mom's friends (back in the day when she had friends) would only listen to her and would just shake their head at my behavior which was only me being a kid, but to her I was a bad kid. So I got treated bad by her and her friends. They looked down on me. I was actually a really good kid. I was such a good kid that no one could believe my mom would treat me bad because there was no reason. Therefore, I lived a miserable and a very unhappy life as a teen with no one to turn to. My siblings somehow seemed to be left out of being treated so shabbily, though and to this day only I see my mom for who she truly is, a terrible mom. She treated them bad sometimes too, but she took it out on me all the time. I turned out to be the way I am because of her. That is proof enough for me to know why I am the way I am. I have my own issues which are due to how I came to view myself.

I understand what you mean.

Welcome, and I think the point might be you are trying to work it out. The better grasp you have of it, the more you can understand yourself, modify your quirks (if there) deal with triggers (if there), help you socialise better (if need be) and live a better quality life. We all deserve to be happy, but some of us carry a little more, or a lot more baggage than others.

WhatsMyDxAgain wrote:
But that's not really the point I'm trying to make. I guess what I'm saying is that it seems to me as if the people who have undeniably horrific childhoods which were bad enough for them to be taken away by CPS, and then endure the foster care system, etc..... those people are "recognized" by society at large as having been "really screwed" and deserving of societal help, but me?

This is an interesting point. Institutionalized abuse, no matter how minor, is big news right now and worthy of media coverage. Society still looks upon child abuse in the home as :-

- well your parents must have had a bad childhood, someone must have done that to them (often way off the mark)

- It happens to all of us (usually from people who have never had anything happen to them)

-you need to get over it (just stand well away from me if you ever say that one, or you may experience explosive anger disorder first hand)

- but the worst is somehow the feeling that the child MUST be partly responsible !!!



My sadistic father got his jollies by spanking his female children with a belt while they were tied naked to his bed. Okay for how long did this go on


As cliché as that is. I didn't even understand that it was molestation until I was around 20 years old.
children seldom do, it is their normal

Many years later (around age 20) when I did tell my mom she acted upset,
without knowing too much, I can't comment too much but has the characteristics of an enabler, who resented the victim for being victimized that way - it happens more than people think - some bright spark doing Pysch should do a paper on it for their masters.

Oh yeah, she is a hoarder too, so imagine the nastiest, filthiest household that you can imagine, to grow up in. Never being able to let anyone over, or even answer the door when someone showed up unexpectedly (google "doorbell dread"). The shame is indescribable.

My wife is a child abuse survivor - and one day will be found crushed to death under a pile of newspapers, dvds, magazines and worthless books, but I love her anyway, and as I am avoidant it has helped me avoiding social contact, which she strangely craves. Sorry not really relevant

On top of that they molded me into a "victim" who invited bullies at school. I was tormented from kindergarten to high school.
[b][i]Many of us here know exactly how that feels - the pack hunts down the outlier, one of a survivors cruelest twists

Bottom line, my ]childhood was pretty violent, dismissive, sadistic, fearful, shameful, etc. all while my father maintained a government position and was relatively respected by his peers.

Anyway, does anyone out there feel as if their abuse was invisible?

ahh yep, and my extended family went to great pains and cost to hide it.

ahh the neighbours who would not talk to you and just turned up the radio to hide the screams.

when I was 12 my mother and brother tried to kill each other (he was self defense) both wound up in hospital. I went next door to call the ambulance and they let me sit on their top step and watch as the police rushed her to hospital, and then I made my way to my grandparents, where I sat in complete silence for maybe 3 house with my grandmother while waiting for my grandfather to come home from work. I felt like somehow this was my fault. After that we all played don't mention it, while she recovers in the appropriate institution... and there I go rabbiting on again.

Seriously your childhood sounds absolutely terrible, glad you came here you will be among friends.

quietgirl2538 wrote:
Therefore, I lived a miserable and a very unhappy life as a teen with no one to turn to.

I clearly remember in high school hearing some teacher for the zillionth time say "you will look back on these years and realise the are the best years of your life"

I was starting to realise that my life was very different (although at that stage I had no real idea how different), but I thought it better be better than this or it is going to be a pretty short one.

Reading the various posts on abuse on these forums, I've been very much startled at the following: the more horrific the abuse, the more authors of the post, when they first come in, seem compelled to "downplay" it. It's never bad enough, in their opinion, to deserve being mentioned compared to other horrific posts. Whose authors, in turn, "downplay" it in comparison to other posts.

In fact, I can hardly imagine a newcomer boasting that his abuse dwarfs all the others. It doesn't happen: adults abused as kids do not tend to see abuse as being some kind of contest.

Your abuse is bad. At least in my opinion.

Whatever physical consequences there may be to abuse, in the end, everything boils down to what ultimately happens in your head and how you deal with it, or cope with, on a day to day basis: when I hear someone who's dead serious suicidal out of pain, it never crosses my mind to even wonder whether he's been abused as a child or whether his child abuse is worse than some gold standard of child abuse. (Well, it does, but later on, when I'm trying to understand more about what happened).

Please do not shy away, as being unworthy to suffer. You've already had way too much of this way of life.

And yes, abuse is often invisible. Mine lies openly in my records, and I've spent an hour yesterday defying a psychiatrist today to acknowledge facts about my abuse. He did perceive it, as I could read it in his body language, but could not acknowledge it formally in any way: Abuse can be both in the spotlight and invisible at the same time.

I just wish you well. Take your time to deal with it. Do not hurry.

Thank you for all the replies and support. My apologies for abandoning this thread. The Abuse forum is so triggering for me that I tend to dip my toes in and then run away from it for months and I don't see the responses. Thanks again.

I do the running away as well (from my own threads rather than the forum though.. ), absolutely no apologies needed at all.. most of us understand that one.

How are you feeling now?

xx