Cracking up

I don't know where to start. I used this site several years ago and have been awarded for a long time. Since then, I thought I was reasonably stable considering the stresses that fill my life chaos. I think most of my original introductions are still archived here. Add to my childhood sexual abuse, my husband and I are rearing our 8 year old granddaughter whose mother is a recovering addict. Lately I am finding that my attempts to stay on an even keel are growing more and more difficult. I almost destroyed the closest thing to a normal Christmas we have had as a family in decades. I thought I would come back here and try to get some input. I dont knowwhat happened to thst pist, but in the interim I totally came unglued at my granddaughter. Nothing earth shattering, I just couldn't hold myself together for one more second. I would rather cut off my arm than hurt her, but I have come to the point that I can no longer control myself. I take an antidepressant, but nothing seems to seems to be potent enough to keep me under control. I have to get help and soon. There isn't a hole big enough in the whole world that would be big enough to hide me from the shame I have created and the hurt that I have imposed upon my dear granddaughter. I need direction. My GPHAS been the one to prescribe my antidepressants in the past, but now I think I need another doctor for anti depressants and counseling and would go into a treatment facility if I could. I have never been violent before, but at this point, anger is the emotion that I can recognize. I am almost 65 and don't have a lot of time to waste for help for me or my gd.

I'm 62 so can sort of relate. In different situations we get different triggers.

I agree, seek different professional help, having a child, granddaughter, can raise our stress enormously, it can be our greatest trigger. That stress can cause us to act very out of character. I guess I don't need to tell you that.

All I can say is that I hope when she is older she will understand, and that right now, show love kindness and respect, it goes a long way.

I also commend you for stepping up and looking after her. I wish my grandparents had done that for us.

I said I would never raise my grandchildren, but when CPS calls and says it is you or foster care, there isn't a choice. Of course she was only 8 months old and had lived with us the entire time other than when her parents were on run from law. Her other three siblings live with their respective fathers'.

You have my greatest respect. You are every child abuse child's hero, don't forget that.

Seek better care for yourself, .. remember your own triggers.

Love, the love that you are showing fixes a lot of things.

Thank you for reminding some of the beneficial things that came out when I was in counseling

I like everything Terry says and I add that don't give up on you or working to improve your relationship with your daughter. Hugs if wanted.