eyes opening

A man well into middle age, I am just now starting to see how much my life has been effected by allowing myself to be walked on. I am seeing this now in some volunteer work that I am doing, how people are able to walk all over me, and then make it like I have some kind of a problem and am not being "flexible". When in fact they are the ones who are unwilling to work with others and who are treating me like a piece of dirt.

And I am now coming to understand that I do come across as odd to people, as different, not on the surface, but at core. I know that this was because of the environment I grew up in and the ways I was used. I was treated with complete contempt, othered, invalidated continually.

And I see now how this has totally undermined my efforts at education, career building, and especially intimate relationships. And I also know how this is all being compounded by the ways in which I was effected by familial sexual abuses.

Funny how at some point we stop blaming ourselves and start to see the pattern and realise it is not us but our programming.

From my time here I believe the biggest impact on us is damaged to our self esteem. Relationships, social success, school, business they are all damaged.

I know this and it still trips me up.