Domestic violence throughout the whole family tree

I've been really concerned about my future lately. My family, especially my mom's side, has a long history of domestic violence. Most of that violence was men abusing and beating their wives and parents beating their kids. And I'm not talking about parents spanking their children but parents literally stripping a child naked and beating them with strong leather belts and sharpened branches. That was mostly on my mother's side of the family, but some similar stuff happened on my father's side too. My father was a spoilt child and enjoyed the privileges of being the only child until his younger sister, my aunt, was born. She had it worse than him when it came to parents: he had more freedom and more opportunities when it came to education even though she was more intelligent and hardworking than him. My mother on the other side, was a member of a large, but really poor family with around 6 to 7 children. Her mother worked most of the time on fields and her father was an alcoholic who made a lot of money by working on construction sites across Europe, so he was absent most of the time. My mother was abused mostly by her mother and her grandfather, who couldn't stand his grandchildren. Her father also abused her mother , so she saw a lot of violence. Plus, there was a war going on at that time.

The point of me writing this, is: I'm currently in my teens, so I'm still living with my parents. They've been abusive ( both verbally and physically) all throughout my younger years. And they're also aggressive towards each other ( he hit her once, while I was on a school trip and she lied to me by saying she accidentally hit herself ).

I'm curious if seeing/experiencing such things will affect my views on love and relationships later, in my adult life. Because, if I look at my family, I can definitely see a pattern and a relation between being abused and abusing.

Dear LostPhilosopher:

I don't see how it is possible for you to not be affected by your experience of family violence. I hope that the effect will not be you continuing the familial tradition, and that you will not inflict violence on children (or on a spouse). But affect and effect it will have.

Most of the violence inflicted on an individual is inflicted by the individual's parents. You mentioned a war, in your post, just one sentence. But it is the violence inside the family that is most common.

How do you feel about the violence inflicted on you?

atina

I appreciate your response, atina.

The abuse already affected me in a lot of ways, both physically and psychologically. I find it hard to trust people, get anxiety attacks ( not quite sure if that's the case, but in sort of a way my heart pounds like mad and I feel like death is right around the corner) and have trouble receiving physical contact, even though I sometimes badly want a hug or some other form of a warm embrace.

I know that we learn about love from our parents and I certainly don't want to end up in some kind of a abusive relationship. I was never in a relationship, but I had fell in love with men, who like my father, turned out to be violent and abusive towards the people around them.

I'm interested if there are any ways of preventing or at least figuring out if your future partner has any violent tendencies.

P.S. The war that I mentioned was the Yugoslav Wars (1991-2001).

Dear LostPhilosopher:

I passed through Yugoslavia before that war, later 1980s.

You wrote: "I'm interested if there are any ways of preventing or at least figuring out if your future partner has any violent tendencies."

The way you figure that is to get to know the person over time, before you get too involved. Study them when they are angry: how do they express their anger? Do not commit yourself to a man until you experience his anger. Best if he stated: "I am angry about ..." without yelling, breaking anything, hitting anyone. Best if he went for a walk to calm down and then talked about what bothers him, looking for a solution that will work for him and for you. Best he doesn't try to punish you because he is angry, but giving you the "silent treatment"

atina