on my dad

I'm very new here, and with all my varied issues I thought this was the best place to start. often times i find myself blaming all my problems on him, but that's a whole different story... anyway. I'm gonna talk about what my dad did to me as a kid and young teenager. might get long/triggering I apologize in advance.

my mom and dad divorced because of his violent behavior and alcoholism when I was two years old and he abandoned me for a while. I don't remember exactly how long, but it was over a year. when I did start getting to visit him, he was never around. his girlfriend was always really nice and took care of me when I was at their house. when he was there, he would scream at her and call her names very often.

during this time I just remember being terrified of him, but very few specific incidents. I have a vague memory of him hitting me with a belt, and a few times I clearly remember him leaving me home alone when I was much too young. (maybe 5-6 years old?)

when I got older I started to notice how much he drank. I would beg my mom not to make me go see him because he scared me so much. but I could never articulate why, so she just assumed I was being dramatic. by the time I was 8 years old he started taking me to house parties, offering me liquor, making me mix drinks for him. all things I wasn't used to considering my relatively sheltered life at my moms house.

things really got bad when his girlfriend got pregnant. he would come home in the middle of the night and make us get up and listen to him talk/slur. he cheated on her, and she left him. that must have been a really bad time for him, because his drinking was worse than ever. he was always drunk. he would drive drunk with me all the time, and he lives in the mountains. he would just drive as high as he could... I feel lucky now that nothing happened. around that time he also started verbally abusing me. he'd tell me I was stupid when u got bad grades, made fun of me when I was forced out of the closet, told me I was fat... all that typical stuff.

I was a teenager by then so I made the decision not to see him as often. that's continued to this day... I don't know if he's gotten better. I don't know if he'll do these same things to my sister, though I really hope not.

do I try to forgive and forget? do I try to rebuild that relationship? or do I continue into adulthood without him? I'm just not sure. sorry for this lot rant. xx

Lots of stuff there, I guess I don't need to tell you but that what happened will leave scars. I am guessing self esteem, maybe trust issues, issues with men. Lucky you had what sounds like a good mum to add some balance.

Now as for today.

Do you need him. Will there be some financial support that you can pass onto your children (not sure about that, but maybe). I know lots of kids who had great parents, who move away and barely see them. We don't have to be there for them.

It should be a two way street.

So think of how that two way street will work, and if it is just going to be a one way street, then I would limit the angst. My mother lives 6 klms away and I visit 2 a year and only phone maybe 4 times at most. Some damage cannot be repaired.