Obsessing about abusers again

Went to the beach today. Wanted to do something nice for myself as one of my friends suggested. But there is no structure on the beach. Even walking the long walk from the beginning of the sand to the ocean brings on thoughts about all my abusers.

It's like, it doesn't matter that I've been in therapy for 20+ years and of all kinds. These abusers have virtually programmed my brain--it's like they are in charge of my brain sometimes and refuse to leave! It's like they are the neurotransmitters and brainwaves and brain structures. I'm dead serious. They refuse to leave my mind even with all the strategies I try or don't try. It seems like talking to others (like this) and doing work are the only things that get them out of my mind. Problem is I can't always do those things.

Anyway, thanks for letting me vent.

I get what you are saying. I sometimes think the worse part of it is that it never leaves you.

Memories are laid down like a bank. Lots of good ones are like a reserve you can tap into when needed.

I once wondered why I have such bad memories of my childhood. It was not always traumatic. Sometimes she was nice. The issues is that the traumatic ones are much stronger. In our genetic make up we are programmed to always remember those high adrenaline moments. To find the good ones that are there I must dig through the crap. So I never do. In a way the abuse robs you of good memories.

hang in there

I hear you. this is my first post here, as I am a 40 year old male who has had enough of replaying the abusive past. my mother was a vicious, angry, mentally unstable woman, who emotionally, verbally, and on occasion sexually abused me. She has refused to even acknowledge that all this happened.
I find it going around and around in my head sometimes, and want it to stop. I hope I can find answers here on this forum, as I'm tired of carrying this black dog on my back.

Firstly I am sorry about what happened to you. We get many more people here who had monstrous mothers than society would ever acknowledge. Not all mothers deserve sainthood, some should take the shortcut to hell. Your sounds very unusual, and I am guessing has had some lasting issues.

That said, welcome. Have a look over some old posts you may find some resonance with your childhood.

We seem to start peeling back the layers of our coping mechanisms between late 20s (I have found girls start earlier) and 40. I was around 35 and had read something which opened the door to understanding.

More I understand, the better I get. Takes time, sometimes two steps forward, one step back.

Not a bad idea, to dig up positive memories! I never thought of that! Thanks!!

I have many, many positive memories but the power of the negative makes me feel like all there is is trauma.

Thanks again, GREAT idea.

A lot of my positive memories are of the toxic people in my life....I don't want to get sentimental and triggered to contact them, so I have to be careful.