Beginning to Heal: Owning my Truth

Hi This is my first post. I've had a hard go at life and I'm trying very hard to establish some stability and a healthy relationship with myself, with hopes of learning to have healthy relationships with others. I guess I'm posting to validate and dispel the shame of the particular abuse I have suffered. It's always been confusing for me, whether I was abused or not.. because of my parents' covert techniques, invalidation and isolation. Thank you for being here for me.

I have extremely low self-worth and I attribute this to the way that I was treated as child. I spent my childhood and adolescence desperately trying to please my parents so that I might gain approval and feel valued, respected and loved. I developed the belief that I had to be perfect, to never make a mistake, so that I could avoid being struck, screamed at, shamed or shunned. However, it always seemed that no matter how hard I strived, I could never avoid it. This is not to mention that it was very hard to predict what behavior might result in punishment. To do this day, I do not believe that my parents love me. In fact, I don’t believe either of them capable of feeling or expressing the type of love a child deserves from a parent. The “love” I received was very conditional and I could never earn their respect, let alone approval.
Now I can see it was not my fault that my parents used emotional manipulation and physical pain to control my behavior. I can even see how my parents may have felt that they were doing the best they could to raise me. However, my experiences have shaped the way I think and left me feeling hopelessly flawed and undeserving of love; as well as furious at my parents and all who use violence to control others.
I’ve long dealt with a painfully shameful paraphilia for being abused. I can only achieve orgasm by thinking about myself being used by someone who delights in my emotional and physical pain. The emotions of terror and humiliation elicit sexual arousal and it disturbs me greatly. I am particularly disturbed by the fact that hearing about the sadistic abuse of others sometimes arouses me, as I imagine being the victim myself. In my past, I have knowingly put myself in dangerous situations seeking out sexual experiences of this nature. My paraphilia has also been the cause of multiple break-ups and much self-disgust. I’m irked that I have no specific memories of sexual abuse, although I have cause for suspicion. I desperately wish for closure on this issue.

Dear StrangeChild:

I learned that abuse, like that you experienced often leads to sexual dysfunction among all the other dysfunctions. It doesn't have to be classic sexual abuse to lead to sexual dysfunction, like sexual masochism. I disagree with abusive parents doing their best with their children. That is a lie (You wrote: " I can even see how my parents may have felt that they were doing the best they could to raise me.")- abuse is not only "the best" it is not even Good or Neutral. It is bad, cruelty. This is one of those lies that enrage me, a social convention type of lie, something people say.

The abuse you described, which I myself experienced, injures deep, so deep it affected every part of my life. And so it seemed, yours as well.

I hope you attend (more) psychotherapy and continue your healing.

atina